Silver Anniversary

At 10.30 we will cross that 'threshold' metaphorically to our silver anniversary.

The years fly. I can barely remember this time 25 yrs ago.

The future was before us, a blank slate, waiting to be filled with shared dreams and adventures.A future that was filled with all the hope and promise two young twenty-somethings with the world at their feet could ever imagine.

When I think of all we have been through together, the brilliant and not so. Life has sometimes thrown us what we least expected but we survived by the grace of God..

Hard times can rock the boat , sink the love.We have certainly had our share of hard times...so the kayaks were a great gift - staying afloat through whatever came our way. We've endured many obstacles and and been through storms of infertility, loss of our daughter and both had cancer.

It's hard to believe that 25 years have gone by since we stood together and our marriage vows were first spoken...how did we get this old ?

I had the crop the ugly concrete out. The wedding album is somewhere.

 
We have survived owner building a home , living in a caravan (x 3), renovations and running our own business and working together for 19 years.We also suffered the loss of our daughter born still.

The strength to stay together in the face of these trials has truly been a gift from God; our faith has held us up tremendously.I give thanks to God.

There are no secrets I can share, no recipes for love , no magic formula for why our relationship has out lasted many others. I don’t think my hubby and I are any better at this spouse/husband/wife gig than others around us.

I can't begin to know or understand what other peoples reasons were, but I’ve no doubt they were good enough reasons. Sometimes there isn't even 'reason' enough. Not for a minute do I consider or judge couples that divorce; that didn’t try hard enough to make it work, or love each other enough, or any other 'enoughs'.

For many people divorce is not the first line of defense. It can happen sometimes when one person is least expecting it. I know that even when a marriage is suffering or plain bad , deciding to end it is painful.

Love is an act of the will, and can be expressed in various degrees. It isn't always truly, madly deeply.
I hope that we have a respite from the struggles and can pause a moment , to just reflect and recognize all that we do have and enjoy it simply for what it is, without thinking about what it is not.

I feel blessed to have found someone I can live with in relative happiness and who can say the same about me or perhaps we just put up with each other faults & all.

Really I wonder if we’ve just been lucky... meeting as we did on a blind date via the radio (pre internet).

I shouldn’t ever take for granted what I have and to always put an effort into showing my long suffering dear husband that I appreciate him. Like many others I can be difficult to live with sometimes...

9125 days

219,000 hours

hundreds of second chances !

 ♥

How to turn old Weber BBQ into a Herb Garden ~ season to taste !

A while back our herb 'garden' bit the dust - a combination of heat, lack of water, cows and woeful neglect since it was on the other side of the fence and couldn't be bothered to tell the truth.

I'd though about re-purposing an old sink or bathtub into a herb garden but life was busy.

Then last week as I was driving home from town I spotted an old Weber BBQ someone had placed out for council collection.

I coveted it and encouraged hubby to go and collect it (amongst a few other things at other stops).
It was in very good condition and clean.

I wonder how much use it had as iconic Australian BBQ experience !

Then he had a brilliant idea...Fill the Weber with soil and plant some of my favorite herbs to keep next to our barbecue...especially to grow some rosemary to season his lamb roast -

I googled for ideas - thanks to Life on the Balcony

This was a really easy project that you can complete in less than 30 minutes (including shopping time). Here is what you’ll need to get started :

Materials

• 1 bag (or 2) of good quality herb potting soil (we needed 1 medium [and 2 small] ...luckily we had spare bags lying unopened in the shed because I didn't calculate for the depth)
• 5-6 herb plants, depending on the size of the BBQ and how full you like your garden.
• 1 re-purposed portable round BBQ.
•  coffee filters (or I used ag pipe sock filter).

I didn't need the BBQ grate or the lid but I'll keep them anyway ! I can probably use the lid on my roast outdoors.

I also planted Mint in an old teapot (I think we found on the property and I like rustic things).

Directions

First clean your BBQ (or not) then place the ag /coffee filter over of the holes in the bottom of the BBQ . We also turned the grate thingy to make holes smaller.

The filter allows water to drain out but prevents the soil from falling through.

Fill your BBQ with soil , pinch out the seedlings or plants and pot them, as evenly or randomly as you please. I tamped down the potting soil gently around the plants , watered them in and was good to go...surf the internet for recipes.

Rosemary: Pair with lamb, chicken, and roast potatoes or in bread.
Oregano : Matches well with: beans, chicken, eggplant, fish, lamb, mushrooms, pasta, pizza, pork, potatoes,  tomatoes, veal, zucchini

Parsley: with mashed potatoes, pastas, salads, meatballs and as a garnish
Thyme: Try it with soups, chowders, marinades and meat dishes.
Corainder: Match as coriander pesto, carrot and coriander soup, chutney and chicken or in Thai soups.

Two I forgot ... 
Basil:  with salads, as pizza toppings, tomatoes, chicken dishes, spaghetti bolognaise or pesto.
Chives: in dips, atop baked and mashed potatoes, as a soup /salad garnish.

I just can't believe I forgot the Basil. I picked up a six cell herb pack and I didn't even think to look for Basil my favourite herb.

Grape tomatoes were planted in the middle ...just because.

Mint: mmm with peas, pies , mashed potatoes, mint jelly for roast lamb or cutlets ... Mint tea anyone.

Herbs need on average 6+ hours of sunlight a day,  regular watering (depending on the pot) and with well drained soil.
If you are placing it on a deck (like I will eventually) you may need a drip tray to catch any excess water .

Now, I'm on the lookout for another herb garden container and then I'll start to experiment with other herb and flavour combinations.

In other news - What's on my mind ?

It has been eight years, today, since my Dad left us and 4 weeks since my hub said a final goodbye to his Dad too.
Today, I am thinking Happy memories of our very special fathers who shaped our lives.
We are getting ready to plant trees in their memory ~ Father's Day Sunday and also 9yrs since we lost our tiny angel ~Charlotte~ . It's a big week .

By the way - it is Recycling or Up-cycling ?
What is the difference?
♥

Life, interrupted again.

I know ...

It's been a challenging few weeks days.


I've had moments when I have felt so sad but had no-one to turn to. My resilience tank is running on empty.

Overwhelmed ! I can't say too much here.

My Life , a wild, scary roller-coaster ride ...not much coasting along, though lots of screams.

It is two weeks since my 2nd Chemo and I'm on the countdown to my 3rd cycle next Friday. Physically, I feel better and less weary.

I've got chemo brain memory loss, and now missed the same appointment twice with Speech therapist at Community Health Centre. I haven't the courage to call and apologise a 2nd time ...yet.

I'm not a hypochondriac but every twinge and little pimple or bump thing has me worried.

Now, I am bald, I feel very self conscious and uncomfortable in social situations ... kind of does my hair look alright - sans hair !

I'm nervous about driving and my confidence in everything is shaken. I can't really explain it.

I've yet to be fitted for proper breast prosthesis .The time is nie , now my scars are healing. A private fitting is being organised. I still don't know what clothes I can wear, when winter clothes won't hide cover me up. I threw out 4 bags of clothes the other day.

Yesterday, was the second time I've worn a bra (in over 9wks), with soft 'stuffing' ,because my friend encouraged me to go to the gym. It was good to get back into it but daunting.

I am still paranoid people are looking weirdly at me  giving me the once over, twice !! 

I found this post by SULEIKA JAOUAD ~ Six Ways to cope with Cancer very enlightening and helpful

This is not me but it is the same scarf

The bright spot that made me grateful this week was receiving a beautiful care package of some gorgeous headscarves from the sister of one of my readers, M. I'll tell you more about Lily in another post. Lily, also cheered me up when she called me too on the weekend.

this one too - http://www.amoena.com/us/Products/Scarves/Cotton/Anemone.htm

I still have to learn to tie the scarves, fashionably, and work around the interference with my BAHA hearing aid. The friction of the fabric covering it makes white noise or squeals but it isn't too unbearable once I get it positioned right.

I get 'sore' ears though from having my ears wrapped up/in...like when you've been too long on the phone.

Today, I am also reflecting on 8yrs ago when I was induced to give birth to my daughter, Charlotte, born still, the next day.

Grief ; it's so complex. I'm still trying to absorb it into my life . I know it has changed me as a person. Interrupted and changed my whole life in fact. My whole circle of friends. A new online community and some of whom became real life friends as dear as any I have known for years.


What do you know this week ?

Update - The Speech therapist called me , I'm so grateful she is very understanding ; )

♥

What if tomorrow never comes ?

Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.

Mary Manin Morrissey

I have felt very intense emotion this week.
A well respected special education support teacher from my sons' school passed away suddenly from a brain aneurysm (so I was told) .

I can't explain why I feel so sad.
I didn't know her at all.
Though , she was 48, only a few years older than I am and it feels close.
One son knew this teacher more than the other because he saw her for some learning support.

She was a much loved, well respected community member .
My sons witnessed their teachers being upset as they broke the news . Even my five year olds were acutely aware of their teacher crying and one passing tissues to her colleague,  "helping each other" and how sad everyone was.

The newsletter advised her passing , after we all knew . They explained that the children had been visited in their classrooms by the School Counsellor and Principal to talk about dealing with grief and sadness. They encouraged parents to talk to their children about her too.

Her funeral is later today and teachers from other schools in the area volunteered to supervise the children who remain at school so all the staff could attend.

The following is something I have received by email a few times, I just needed to be reminded of it.

Take Hold of Every Moment
by Author Unknown

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package." He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come. I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this days". I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers and sons, not times enough at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Our local radio, a very sombre voice, reads funeral notices each morning - I knew I would hear her's this morning, there were so many today.

The school noticeboard proudly displays a message of love for her today too.


Today,  I am grateful for today and the hope of tomorrows to take hold of every moment.

I think of the things I've been putting off doing and I am scheduling them in.

PS - Is it a coincidence that my oldest (yes and she is 1 day older than me) friend who I haven't spoken to in months or seen in years decided to message me today.

Finally -

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. 

 ~H.H. "Breaker" Morant

(I do love Garth Brooks version just as much)

♥

You have to start somewhere ~ Finding Gratefuls in grief

This wasn't the Grateful post I wanted to write today.

I arrived home at 10.45pm from the Sydney Kids Business Bloggers Brunch. A round trip of 773kms or so, not including the trip into the city with the gorgeous Sara & Em.

I am very grateful for safe travels and Sara's offer to drive into Sydney.
Though she now lives interstate - she was a rally champion. I hate city drivers driving.

After the Bloggers brunch I had to return my friend's cat carrier . She is moving this weekend too .
She was working at her new property . I used my Mum's GPS for directions as I hadn't been there. It lead me down a very badly maintained country road , across a little flowing creek ( 'Roberts Creek' road should have alerted me ).

As I was furiously cursing the potholes, gravel road and hairpin bends ...I am grateful for the little Echidna I saw crossing the road. A car coming the opposite direction flashed me , though I had seen it already. It turned and looked at us both stopped, changed it's mind and ambled back to side of the road. Unaware.


Hours later I was relieved to arrive home, safe.
It still feels strange calling this place home , but it is starting to feel like HOME.

DH said nothing , then... nor the small boys who were fast asleep.
We chatted over a cuppa and went to bed.

First thing this morning I woke to one boy cuddling up to me and both boys telling me Jed, our puppy was dead ...run over by wheels (of the 'Jeep' driven by DH), and buried .
The boys told me all the details , all matter of fact'ly, DH added a few scant details, it only happened at 5.30pm last night. Just after I called him to say I was on my way home.

The boys saw it all , they were in the car , driving on the property.
Daddy drove back to find ... Jed was bleeding, his were legs in the air ? with actions.

No tears were mentioned and I didn't ask if there were, tears.
I can't even ask where they buried Jed. They just told me Daddy buried Jed.

My hub said he didn't want to upset me last night.
I had a little hot, salty spill when he went into town, then again at the clothes line.

I know it will affect him too, he just won't talk about how much. Jed was such a lovely dog. DH has a soft heart and will embrace his own grief and guilt in his own way.

Jed  ... Dashi

I'm grateful, Jed's sister Dashi (after the Octonauts)  is still here to soothe us and we her . She seems to be looking for her best buddy and is very affectionate today. She seems wanting ; to get up close and personal.

Moving on ...Kinder news topic this week is PETS. Talk about bad timing.
Different children have news each day of the week. Joel and Sam's turns are Thursday and Friday respectively. I should be grateful for that.

I will have to write and let the teacher know.
Sure as hell I will choke up and cry if I try to tell her any other way.

 

The boys adored Jed , we had him 6 weeks. Long enough to love him forever. Everyday, teaching him to play fetch, watching him chase cows or race our other puppy through the grass. Teaching him to shake hands, walk on the lead, laughing as he'd lick their faces ...He followed the boys everywhere.


I don't know if they are particularly traumatised (WTH ? is it with spam bots that RT any mention of traumatised) , though they saw it all.

However, they still tell everybody about our 13yr old dog, Patch, dying and being in heaven ... that was 2 yrs ago (He was euthanised ).
Whenever they saw a dog in Western Australia, on our trip, they told the owners about our 'Patchy.' So we would have to explain.

I am grateful the boys have a lovely teacher who will know (I hope) how best to manage news this week.

How did you help your children deal with the loss of a pet ?

♥

The candle ~ Wave of light

Charlotte was cradled in my womb for six months, briefly in our arms and forever in our hearts. Here is her name in the sand ...I've come to WA to see this beach.

It is estimated 1 out every 4 Australian women has lost a baby at some stage; most of us know someone who has.

15th October seeks to honour these babies in a collaborative wave of light. As today is recognised as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  

I am quietly grateful for all the candles, though I rather there were less ...it means we are not alone ! 
I am grateful for remembrance !

Light a candle at 7pm for one hour to create a worldwide wave of light for 24hrs. 
Across the globe in all time zones - candles will burn brightly in memory of babies too precious for this earth.

" There is no greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child.Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside of the womb for a short period of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized.” Clair Baca

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

If you have lost a baby (or grand-baby or sibling) you are not alone. My heart goes out to anyone reading this today who has said goodbye to a precious baby all too soon.  

It is my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

I am sorry for your loss. I know words cannot ease your pain nothing ever will but tonight at 7pm I will light a candle in memory of our babies. Please pass the message along , join in where ever you are.

A quiet moment for lighting a candle in memory of your baby . . .

"Dear baby of mine, please see this light as a symbol of our never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of our love for you, in celebration of the life we shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. We feel your spirit with us even now, gently guiding and strengthening us. With this light we will remember the true gifts of the season: memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. We will forever feel your presence and love you always."

PILARI are asking people to sign their petition to have it fully recognised in Australia.

♥ Never miss a post

R U OK - three simple words could change a life

I hope by now you all know what R U Ok day is about .

15th September is R U OK? Day.

I, like many of my fellow bloggers writing their own R U OK posts, have struggled with what to say , how to say it and how much I can comfortably disclose. I have two things to write about one from 21 yrs ago and one more recent.

So 'My story' is not my story as such.

Twenty one years ago my vibrant , boisterous and funny cousin G , committed suicide at 24yrs. G was only a year or so older than me. It stunned and shattered me. It was out of the blue or so it seemed. G had spent some time living with our family and we knew him well (or so NOT !) . No one knew he suffered depression, likely Bi polar.

He had a new job, a partner who was expecting his first child (I think) and was due to receive compensation payout for a back injury. A painful one. Then he was gone. G had his life on track, everything to live for after a period of being unsettled and having tough luck.

My father received a phone call one morning to ask him to identify G's body. I know not how or why my Dad was the one. It was devastating. It profoundly affected my Dad for a long time.  I honesty don't know the exact details (who talks about this) ... G hung himself in bushland not far from where he lived , where my Dad worked too.

I remember my husband telling me, he answered the phone call. After rivers of tears , I searched through all my wedding photos and my wedding video to watch G, to see why we had missed whatever. I saw nothing but his smiling face. For a long time I grieved G. I couldn't begin to understand the fact that he hadn't asked for help. There was probably more to it. I long, even now, to find where I packed my photos and see his face again.

I wished someone had asked G was he OK , 21yrs ago there was still a lot of stigma attached to mental illness and depression. It was very much Chin up mate , have a another beer . Harden up.

Two years before that I was 'nursing' people with mental illness. I have vivid memories, as a student nurse , of spending days (6hrs at a time) in locked wards of a certain mental institution. I was only 19-21 yrs old.

We were 'visiting' - how the heck could anyone cope being there 24/7. I remember never being so scared in all my life, when "crazy" people touched my arm, leg or sat virtually on top of me. Whispering words at me , others silent or rocking on the floor with blank looks, as well as pulling the craziest faces ever seen at me or my student colleagues if we dared make eye contact. It was a ward where most were involuntary admissions.

Yes, we had tutors, and the regular staff were there but I felt unsafe always. I digress...

I also spent time in a private hospital psychiatric unit. It was like a hotel and at 19-20yrs I wondered why all these seemingly 'well'  people were spending weeks, some months, in hospital. However, most were voluntary admissions. Both places were very different and left a lasting impression. I sat in on group counseling and chatted with 'patients' at times. They looked OK, normal , though of course we knew they were struggling with the ups and downs of 'whatever' caused their depression.


I am so thankful attitudes have shifted and organisations exist to help those who suffer depression. The stigma is not such a burden.


The next story is closer to home. There is no doubt that depression causes a lot of strain on relationships and especially marriages. Sometimes you don't even see it coming. I know I didn't.

There is no shame in speaking out about depression and it's affect on relationships. The more we talk the more others understand. Being honest allows others to not feel so alone, if they face the same issues and are feeling ashamed or unsure . The problem lies when people want to keep it a secret and attach blame or interfere in unhelpful ways.

I just can't say too much as it's not my story. Depression has been a part of our my husband's life for a while. He takes regular anti -depressants, I think the depression started after our daughter was stillborn.

He says it is largely a part of it. There is more to it than I suppose he will ever tell me.

I can tell you I felt shattered the first time he told me he had no reason to live , he felt there was no point in his life. I was thankful he told me, thankful he was able to speak to a professional and get help. He knew he clearly wasn't OK and was supported.

We were both OK about that. I still struggled to understand why ? He had three sons and me , no major financial or medical problems (then). He was never suicidal, from what I know, but knowing the thought was there. I was immensely fearful.

We, especially he, made adjustments but had to accept some things he couldn't change immediately.

Even before having a malignant cancer diagnosis, 18 months ago,  that turned our life upside down again. Thankfully, we had already changed our business structure. It turned out that it was an unforeseen blessing. Having a serious cancer diagnosis caused us to reassess a lot more of our life.

him both of us !

Speaking from my own point of view there have been many times when I haven't been able to contact my husband . When it seemed out of the ordinary . I would get very anxious to the point of being so terrified that something had happened, that then I would get angry with him . The Fear ? it drives you me crazy. I know I over react and I have to learn to deal with this anxiety.

Today , when you ask someone "Are you OK"  , it may be painful and very emotional. Here are some suggestions for starting an  RU OK conversation.


Take care of yourself too . Keep talking to your loved ones, friends or colleagues, and keep connecting. Be there but not intrusive and try not to take control.

Remember taking the time every day , not just today, to establish meaningful conversations can help stop little problems turning into big ones. As you listen you may feel ill-equipped to deal with the answer if it's "No ! " "Not really" or they disclose a bigger problem than you can help them with.

It isn't always possible to be everything to everyone , especially if you are struggling yourself or have several friends needing you. It is Ok to encourage others to seek professional help, if they don't already. Gently reassure them , that mental illness is the same as any other . Even suggest you can go with them initially, if they wish.

Here is a page of links if they need immediate help.

Personally, I know I have had periods in my own life when I faced my own anxiety & depression ( Immense grief after loss). I have had numerous friends and support groups who listened when I wasn't entirely OK, for this I am truly thankful. I have not had to take anti depressant medications though I would if I ever need them.





♥ Never miss a post

Thankful for Heartfelt

Today I am thankful to be welcoming in Spring though it is always a day we will never forget.

Seven years ago , we said hello and goodbye ♥ to our daughter Charlotte Rose ♥ fly free little one.

Every whisper of a breeze, every butterfly I see, a kiss of sun on my face and the scent of the roses in our garden , reminds me ... not just today but always.

As time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, love mingled with loss ♥

I am thankful for the heartfelt messages I have received. I appreciate it more than I can say. I treasure each comment made and consider it a thoughtful act of friendship. I know that as time passes people forget and it hurts.

One of my regrets is that we have so few photos of Charlotte and even us with her. At the time we didn't think or never even considered photographic memories. The Midwife did take a few photos , blurry and grainy, none the less precious.


In recent years an organisation called Heartfelt , was born, after a family experienced the loss of their own child .  

Heartfelt is the giving of photographic memories.

Heartfelt is a volunteer organisation of professional photographers from all over Australia dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths, premature and ill infants and children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Units of their local hospitals, as well as children with serious and terminal illnesses. 

 

Heartfelt is dedicated to providing this gift to families in a caring, compassionate manner.

All services are provided free of charge.

To contact a heartfelt photographer 1800 583 768

You might also care to read this story by Fi @ Lumsdaine Photography and read Kristie's letter about her recent experience with Heartfelt and her son ~Avery ~, and on her blog too , read her posts here 1 , 2 & 3

You can Like Heartfelt on Facebook.

I sincerely hope you never need the services of HEARTFELT.
I am telling you because just in case someone you know does - please tell them about HEARTFELT.

♥ Never miss a post

Power of your love

Just a quick one tonight , we sang this song at our local church this morning.

We have missed a few weeks due to being away, illness and farm visits.

I ♥the Power of your love



A powerful song of faith for me. It moves me to tears often.
Actually the artist/musician/pastor who wrote this song 'married'  my husband and I. The female artist singing sang at our wedding in a humble warehouse...many 21.5yrs moons ago. I must dig out our video.


We attend a different church than the one in the video now but it still holds a place in our hearts.

Unrelated perhaps to Christian faith but totally to the power of love we saw the movie RED DOG tonight, a 'tale' of love and faithfulness, and grief and more grief. It was funny and I highly recommend it to everyone.
It confirms our decision that Red kelpies or a cross will the next family dogs we own.
I have a very cute story about when we gave teen a new puppy for Christmas when he was three... later ...
Linking in with Thea's Sunday session.

♥ Never miss a post

Thankful for MY family

Life, loss, grief and love intertwined the last week and I am forever thankful for the family into which I was born.

 

Though I am and /or not so thankful really to be reminded at how fragile life is , after attending the funeral of an Aunt [64], seeing her husband's grave [she is beside him now -who passed away 20 yrs ago] and seeing photo of her granddaughter's grave site who passed away from SID's at 5 .5 months[ 22 yrs ago] - freshly decorated grave site.

SJ was my cousin's daughter (he & I are the same age- started a family at 19-20 and still has children almost as young as mine).Two of his other, older girls went to their sister's grave [same cemetery] , left flowers and then posted a photo to FB. My sister showed me.

It was bittersweet ; also for their mother now in WA  I can imagine.

My grief was multiplied by anniversaries remembered in August of my own precious little angel (in 2 wks) and my father's in 8 days. It feels like forever since I last saw my Dad [6yrs] I remember his love very clearly . 

I've read a few poignant posts and comments about experiences of loss this week. It sucks every emotion from you. Death is the final separation from loved ones.

I am so VERY thankful for my upbringing , the stability of my parents and my immediate family and extended family now (DH's included)

Two of my cousins did not attend their mother's funeral, nor one brother [my uncle]- each for their own complicated reasons. That was sad. The 3 male sons [cousins] present wept openly for the loss of their mother. Tears slid down my face, for their loss too.

After the funeral and burial  - my mother, brother, sister and 3 uncles went to have a 'drink' together at a near by local pub; not with the others. Very complicated but we chose to share an hour with the one uncle who wouldn't go elsewhere... the wake was kind of casual and being held outdoors. 

It was the right thing for us all in a way. It was a quiet venue, we got to chat with our uncles rarely seen (maybe only at funerals - WHY ?) and chat, new phone numbers were exchanged. Promises were made not to wait till the next funeral to organise a family get together.

My Dad had a very dysfunctional upbringing for some of his childhood and adolescence. Later some of his siblings weren't able to escape their 'difficult'  childhoods. Their children (some of my cousins) have also had a different and more difficult life than my siblings or I. 

My father , the 3rd brother /son was the glue who held some of his siblings [6 of them] together. He helped them financially (at times), he housed them in our home with their children (at times) or alone. Dad supported them and stuck by no matter what. He made sure they stayed in touch. He was also very close to both his divorced parents. As children we saw about 8 of my 16 cousins regularly - now it's never bare funerals (2 adult cousins deceased). 

One year ( almost to the date - August 26th,) before he passed away, Dad organised a family get together - so as a funeral need not be the next reason he said. As my grandmother and a cousin had passed the previous year.

Through FB I have contact with a few cousins. Admittedly, we lead different and busy lives Some are spread far and wide across Australia now.

Though we don't always see eye to eye on everything,  I know my mother and 2 siblings (+ spouses) will always be there for us. THANKFUL is an understatement.

I am joining with Kate's Thankful Thursday - what are you feeling thankful for ?

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Have I got it all wrong

I know it has been a week of highs and lows.

I know you shouldn't find out your Aunty (my Dad's sister) has passed away via a Facebook status , your cousin's, at midnight. A status so full of angst because she had a strained relationship with her mother and people didn't think she had a right to grieve her. Long story and not mine to tell.

My Dad passed away 6 yrs ago this month when he was 63, his sister was 64 when she died. Both too young - she had some form of lung cancer but she was apparently ok the last time her brother (my uncle) spoke to her 2 months ago.

I feel bad I hadn't seen her for a while.When she was my grandmother's (who passed away 8yrs ago) carer I saw her more often. I've had a good relationship with my Aunty since childhood.

No-one informed our family, and her younger brother couldn't get in touch to find any information when someone told him, because they found out also through Facebook, she had taken ill suddenly.

I know Motherhood the Muscial was hysterical and outrageously funny . The 'scene' was a baby shower for Amy, her friends talked about childbirth, pelvic floors ... the  'I leak' song had the whole audience laughing out loud . They mentioned sex after childbirth , how annoying children can really be but at the same time celebrated those poignant moments you wouldn't miss for the world.

With no fancy scenery or expensive props - just 4 ladies on stage with a great script , 20 hilarious songs - ('The kids are finally asleep' was a hit) and a little dancing (with brooms & trolleys)  they had us laughing the whole 90mins. I loved it and it was so true. If you get a chance to see it - DO IT ! , don't miss it. Go and like their Facebook page.

I know the decision about selling our home hasn't come easily , I know it is just bricks & mortar but it holds so many memories good & bad.Packing up the dreams (and Charlotte's roses) we have planted here will be incredibly hard and heart wrenching. I know I have to start taking cuttings and hope they strike and grow.

My husband decided suddenly this Tuesday/Wednesday to move all the boxes & clutter in our garage into storage. A little job turned into a monumental task and mess. I don't know how we get it in order for open house tomorrow. I don't know what he has taken .I guess like the song says you don't know what you got till it's gone ...

I know today is going to be BUSY (and yes I am shouting).

I know the agent did not inform us he wasn't coming to OPEN house last week and we spent 4-5 hrs making the house spotless for no reason. Not so much the cleaning I object to , but hiding the clutter and everything else just for the OPEN house that was unnecessary.


I know I  am looking forward to the intrepid adventures both on the farm and in the caravan , right now it seems a great escape from life here. It's just hard getting to that point.

I know our caravan holiday will be a matter of careful planning and a choice of destinations....but we have no plans as yet. It feels wrong though we do have 3 weeks till we go !

Still, the best laid plans ...It all seems so far away at the moment. Beyond reach. Just a sweet dream of adventures and an escape.

What do you know ?
What have you got planned for the weekend ?

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How to help when a Baby dies ?

Firstly, I personally don’t know anyone who is entirely comfortable talking to the bereaved after the death of a loved one.Let alone, when it is a family or friend's precious baby who has passed away before birth , during birth or soon after.

I know ... losing a baby at any time is one of the most devastating experiences that any family can experience. Whether 12 weeks , 26weeks or a full-term baby, it's beyond tragic .

I know we had already prepared a lifelong place for ~Charlotte~  in our family before we met her. All parents have hopes and dreams for their baby and beyond.

There are no easy answers when a baby dies and your whole world is shattered.

As family or a caring friend, you might ask

"What do I say?"

"What can I do?"

The grief journey is very painful one for a baby’s parents. Nothing prepares parents for the separation from their baby.

I know we travel to a place not on any map and we don't know when we will arrive or leave. It's a place we have never been to (hopefully) and everyone has a different experience. 

Bereaved parents will need the support of their loved ones now more than ever before but seldom will they ask... for anything

So how can you help? here are a few things you might to consider from my personal experience.

1. Use the Baby's name if named ...do not keep saying " The Baby   ". You can help bereaved parents by listening to them to talk about their loss, if they want and you feel able to listen. Ask them gently if they want to talk about {insert Baby's name}.Don’t try to protect them from their grief – help them face it and if you need to cry, do it. If they cry, silence is ok while they cry ; put a hand on them gently, hug them (if appropriate), pass the tissues, or if you feel too uncomfortable say "I'll put the kettle on to let you have a few minutes (?)." Respect their rights to express whatever they feel or think - regardless of how strange it may seem to you if they seem angry or calm or whatever.
2. Bring them a meal *or simple groceries to cook (they may be too distracted to cook ).Offer to help with their house cleaning or offer to mind or occupy their other children , it will be appreciated even if they say   "NO thank you  ". Even offering to read their surviving child a story or play with them in their own home while they rest or take care of the cleaning *.
3.  Phone, visit or send a card : if you don't know what to say a simple message, We love you and we are thinking of  you and baby {insert name if known} today. Especially remember the DUE DATE if the baby died in utero or was born alive early (before the due date). Even an email is some comfort especially if you don't know them too well, for example online or a co worker and don't have a physical address. (There is always Google to help with kindly worded sentiments)
4. A gift is not necessary; some like to give flowers or a plant: nurturing a living thing can be very comforting for grieving. We were given roses for a memorial garden. A trinket , figurine, ornament or piece of jewelry etc may be chosen by family or a close friend especially, if it is something they know symbolises the baby ~ a Butterfly , an Angel or anything really.
5. A sense of normalcy is very therapeutic for healing.It's okay to laugh and tell talk about other things, even your own children and theirs. We know life goes on, it just that ours has changed forever.
6. If someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and is past the intense grief stage of their own loss, ask them if you can give their phone number or email to the newly bereaved parents. A note in a card is okay. Talking to someone who has been through a similar loss , not necessarily a professional counsellor ,can help to take the isolation out of grief and spare a spouse for a while. (Hospitals usually give plenty of bereavement literature to parents or there is so much available online now)

What not to say ?

1. When a baby is lost families [and others] often have a desperate need to know why their baby died but now is not the time to ask...what happened .They probably won't know themselves.You can ask What did {baby's name} weigh and how long was {baby's name}?" etc
2. Don't encourage them to be strong ...or say how well they are coping or ... "Don't be sad. Don't cry  " -    "It will be ok   " -   " It's for the best  "  (e.g.when you know it is genetic) 
3.  Appreciate that they miss this baby, who can never be replaced by another child. If a twin is lost never say 'At least you still have one baby'.
4. Understand they may not want to know who is newly pregnant or newly delivered in your social circle. It's difficult if you were part of an anti-natal parents group ...be sensitive when sharing such news in the early days.
5. Don't compare their loss to losing your pet or say this happened to someone you know and it was caused by ..... because they did .....
6. Remember, too that most people don't say too many insensitive or wrong things [common sense aside]. Above all you are caring enough to talk to them ! Ignoring their loss is far more insensitive.Your friend or loved one is very lucky to have you in their life.

This week I have read several stories about infant and pregnancy loss. It always breaks my heart. I am writing this in response, to maybe help someone help.I hope it makes sense.

I really don't mind being reminded at how fragile life is .Today my heart goes out to anyone reading this who has said goodbye to their precious baby, all too soon .

Kristie said a final goodbye to Avery yesterday ... her son, Avery a beautiful boy born sleeping a week ago.

"Dear Avery, please see this light as a symbol of the

 never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of the love for you, in celebration of the life you shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. 

May they feel your spirit with them even now, gently guiding and strengthening them. With this light they will remember your true gifts : memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. May they forever feel your presence and love you always."

Hope is like the sun,which, as we journey toward it ,casts the shadow of burden behind us.

It's my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

There is so much more I could write including about 'including siblings'...another day .
Edited to add a link to Martine @ The Modern Parent's posts on Grief : Helping Children Grieve

Please note *Gifts of meals ~ can in itself be overwhelming if they get too many meals all at once and no way to store them all... check if anyone can be responsible to organize a list of friends to alternate duties such as meals and visits to help.
 

(In our church they did this for one family via an organised roster initially while the baby was having surgery for her heart and then after she passed away)
Please share your own experiences and any other advice that helped you or your family or friends.

Linking up with Shae about Things I know ...but sincerely wish I didn't today.

Edited to add this further to precious Avery's story and HeartFelt
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