Grateful for Square Eyes

I am grateful for the heartache, headaches and hilarity in our daily lives. Sometimes (especially with teenagers) it isn't easy but it is still enriching and worth every minute.

I have lived through the deepest sadness of losing a child.I know God had a reason, I am still working that one out. I am grateful for her brief life, though it wasn't the joy we all imagine when we first see those two little lines.

I am grateful for my two little boys (and the bigger one).I find that the hardest part is looking at my little boys wondering would they be here if my little girl was.

I am grateful IVF gave us the chance to 'birth' living children. Sadly not everyone can share the joys children bring.
 

Playing a trick on me ... Joel comes to announce Sam has square eyes from to much TV, then says BIG YELLOW square eyes ...I paid no attention ...then he lead 'blind' Sam to me !

I am grateful for my children because they give me a reason to clean smile, laugh, live and play (and bake gingerbread people). 

I pray the 'great' 'full' ness doesn't diminish and on days when I feel jaded I can focus on all these grateful things.

I am grateful that no matter how bad things seem and when they press all my buttons and I lose my cool -  my precious children are forgiving and still kiss & hug me goodnight.

(The 5 drops from the other day ...they rushed out with umbrellas to dance in the rain. 

Yesterday, we got 18mm)

 I am most grateful for the 18mm rain we got last night and hopefully it will be followed by more rain.

This year I'm trying to consciously seek out moments of grateful, be it the mundane or a little bit of magic in my own life .

What are you grateful for today ?

 ♥

Up and down , Get up !

Yesterday, was a very long day we left home at 6am to travel to Sydney for my last review appointment. We arrived home at midnight. I felt for my husband.

Up and down the emotional rollercoaster the highways and by-ways is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting - the round trip is 700km /10hrs... I wasn't driving. It's a relief my next treatments will be 15mins from home. 

The Oncology review clinic was running 2hrs late - we exited our 10:45 appointment at 1:30pm. We saw Dr #1 at about 12:45pm for 10 mins, then waited 15 mins in between to see the Oncologist for 10mins.

It was all good with nothing new to be learned. They don't even examine me. I'm not not complaining , just saying I'm glad we had another reason for the trip down to Sydney.

When you arrive you wait in big 'muster' waiting area before being 'drafted' in smaller waiting rooms down the corridor or waiting for your beeper to go off saying they are ready for you in Chemo or in Radiation.

I'm  a little bit thankful appointments were late, because I got to briefly catch up with my 'old playgroup' friend, A. She was diagnosed with Breast cancer a month prior to my diagnosis. A was there in big waiting area, waiting to be beeped for her chemo as the chemotherapy treatment clinic was also running very late.

We chatted about our eyebrows (or lack thereof ) , dark painted nails , diets & cancer food and positive ways of coping , as you do... In the 'quiet 'crowded waiting room I'm sure everyone was aware of us.


Not everyone looks sick , though you can easily spot the cancer patient from carer usually by the head gear or the ones gently guiding frailer looking older people . Some people talk in hushed voices, guarding their 'personal' and emotional space. They just stare ahead at the TV, their phone or iPad or old magazines. Styrofoam cups of tea, coffee and 'plastic' biscuits are available if you like.

Sitting there you feel such a strong range of emotions ; anticipation, anger (One lady was very 'agro' because the clinics were running so late) , hope, sadness, even boredom ... mirrored in the sea of faces that surround you. Though now the chairs are banked, fixed in rows and close together instead of around the walls you don't make so much eye contact.

This morning I was feeling down, as well as tired and cold (yes it's blowing a gale with wild weather here as everywhere). I'm grateful my SIL who minded our little boys, at the other farm due to our late return, was putting them on the school bus.

I couldn't summon the emotional energy to get up. I'm don't exactly feel depressed, in fact  I feel physically better this week. Some days are better than others. I think it is returning to the Dr's office and talking about cancer that reminds me of my diagnosis and the interruption that cancer has caused to our life.

We also visited our old home for 15 mins , it's empty (tenants vacated), while still filled with memories ...not to mention clean carpet, my big kitchen , my roses , a lush green lawn and our old life.I still love the farm, our 'homely shed' and living here. Just sometimes it feels lonely and isolated here. I miss my friends.

Eventually, I stumbled out of bed at 11:30 am , only after my darling hubby made me tea and toast in bed, then lit the fire and went off to borrow firewood from the neighbours ; ).


 

I happened upon this song - I like it ! GET UP !

I'm a bit fired up now by the song and the fire.Though going back to bed is still inviting ...did I mention it's cold , grey and blustery and my hammock is like a parachute in the wind. 


Do you ever feel like you just want to stop and catch your breath ?
Would you like to hit pause, lay low and stay in bed all day ?

♥

Grateful for Battery operated Toys ...

Are you among women {like me} who assume they are incapable of  resolving a situation that needs something screwed to fix it ?

Keep your clothes on - I meant - like with a power drill ...

When DH offered to buy me this battery operated device for Mother's day -

(Makita DF330DWXP 10.8V)

I was secretly thrilled and grateful {he would even let me near one}


(yes totally sexist but somewhat true with me )

Once we become inspired to help ourselves , there is no limit to the inspiration we can give other  women.
 
My husband has quite an array of power tools and he can fix most things - should I abort fail my projects.

I am looking forward to my journey toward self-sufficiency , grateful at least , I will be equipped to try my hand at it.

If not he'll I'll laugh at my mistakes and let him fix them ...might be a way to get things completed quicker !!

Tell me your experiences with cordless hand tools ?

Do you have any tips regarding proper tools, tips, techniques to help inspire me to tackle basic projects on my own ?

I'm also grateful Pinterest has given me a few ideas. That is a post for another day.

Would just buy it because it is pink ?

Ps I'm not allowed to touch it yet and this is not a sponsored post but $10 from the sale goes to NBCF.I'm telling you in case you want one too.

What if tomorrow never comes ?

Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.

Mary Manin Morrissey

I have felt very intense emotion this week.
A well respected special education support teacher from my sons' school passed away suddenly from a brain aneurysm (so I was told) .

I can't explain why I feel so sad.
I didn't know her at all.
Though , she was 48, only a few years older than I am and it feels close.
One son knew this teacher more than the other because he saw her for some learning support.

She was a much loved, well respected community member .
My sons witnessed their teachers being upset as they broke the news . Even my five year olds were acutely aware of their teacher crying and one passing tissues to her colleague,  "helping each other" and how sad everyone was.

The newsletter advised her passing , after we all knew . They explained that the children had been visited in their classrooms by the School Counsellor and Principal to talk about dealing with grief and sadness. They encouraged parents to talk to their children about her too.

Her funeral is later today and teachers from other schools in the area volunteered to supervise the children who remain at school so all the staff could attend.

The following is something I have received by email a few times, I just needed to be reminded of it.

Take Hold of Every Moment
by Author Unknown

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package." He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come. I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this days". I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers and sons, not times enough at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives. And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Our local radio, a very sombre voice, reads funeral notices each morning - I knew I would hear her's this morning, there were so many today.

The school noticeboard proudly displays a message of love for her today too.


Today,  I am grateful for today and the hope of tomorrows to take hold of every moment.

I think of the things I've been putting off doing and I am scheduling them in.

PS - Is it a coincidence that my oldest (yes and she is 1 day older than me) friend who I haven't spoken to in months or seen in years decided to message me today.

Finally -

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. 

 ~H.H. "Breaker" Morant

(I do love Garth Brooks version just as much)

♥

You have to start somewhere ~ Finding Gratefuls in grief

This wasn't the Grateful post I wanted to write today.

I arrived home at 10.45pm from the Sydney Kids Business Bloggers Brunch. A round trip of 773kms or so, not including the trip into the city with the gorgeous Sara & Em.

I am very grateful for safe travels and Sara's offer to drive into Sydney.
Though she now lives interstate - she was a rally champion. I hate city drivers driving.

After the Bloggers brunch I had to return my friend's cat carrier . She is moving this weekend too .
She was working at her new property . I used my Mum's GPS for directions as I hadn't been there. It lead me down a very badly maintained country road , across a little flowing creek ( 'Roberts Creek' road should have alerted me ).

As I was furiously cursing the potholes, gravel road and hairpin bends ...I am grateful for the little Echidna I saw crossing the road. A car coming the opposite direction flashed me , though I had seen it already. It turned and looked at us both stopped, changed it's mind and ambled back to side of the road. Unaware.


Hours later I was relieved to arrive home, safe.
It still feels strange calling this place home , but it is starting to feel like HOME.

DH said nothing , then... nor the small boys who were fast asleep.
We chatted over a cuppa and went to bed.

First thing this morning I woke to one boy cuddling up to me and both boys telling me Jed, our puppy was dead ...run over by wheels (of the 'Jeep' driven by DH), and buried .
The boys told me all the details , all matter of fact'ly, DH added a few scant details, it only happened at 5.30pm last night. Just after I called him to say I was on my way home.

The boys saw it all , they were in the car , driving on the property.
Daddy drove back to find ... Jed was bleeding, his were legs in the air ? with actions.

No tears were mentioned and I didn't ask if there were, tears.
I can't even ask where they buried Jed. They just told me Daddy buried Jed.

My hub said he didn't want to upset me last night.
I had a little hot, salty spill when he went into town, then again at the clothes line.

I know it will affect him too, he just won't talk about how much. Jed was such a lovely dog. DH has a soft heart and will embrace his own grief and guilt in his own way.

Jed  ... Dashi

I'm grateful, Jed's sister Dashi (after the Octonauts)  is still here to soothe us and we her . She seems to be looking for her best buddy and is very affectionate today. She seems wanting ; to get up close and personal.

Moving on ...Kinder news topic this week is PETS. Talk about bad timing.
Different children have news each day of the week. Joel and Sam's turns are Thursday and Friday respectively. I should be grateful for that.

I will have to write and let the teacher know.
Sure as hell I will choke up and cry if I try to tell her any other way.

 

The boys adored Jed , we had him 6 weeks. Long enough to love him forever. Everyday, teaching him to play fetch, watching him chase cows or race our other puppy through the grass. Teaching him to shake hands, walk on the lead, laughing as he'd lick their faces ...He followed the boys everywhere.


I don't know if they are particularly traumatised (WTH ? is it with spam bots that RT any mention of traumatised) , though they saw it all.

However, they still tell everybody about our 13yr old dog, Patch, dying and being in heaven ... that was 2 yrs ago (He was euthanised ).
Whenever they saw a dog in Western Australia, on our trip, they told the owners about our 'Patchy.' So we would have to explain.

I am grateful the boys have a lovely teacher who will know (I hope) how best to manage news this week.

How did you help your children deal with the loss of a pet ?

♥

Grateful for newborn calves and choc chip banana loaf

Hubby woke up this morning and as he made me a cup of tea - thought he was seeing things through the window ...a tiny calf in the far paddock.

He went to check and so it was - so off we all went to for a closer look !

The umbilicus ? still attached.

Not that it was totally unexpected he did put Grandpa's Angus bull over the cows about 9 months ago. Then we left them to it.

According to the cattle gestation chart in his diary - the first calves weren't expected until February 14th. Though I read younger cows (like ours can calve 10 days earlier) so I am calf watch from now on.

We own 11 cows and we are not totally sure how many are in calf because the Bull preferred the other ladies instead and escaped at first chance a few weeks later into a large heavily tree'd paddock...like he did again today.

Sam & Joel also own a Cow & calf each , a gift from their Grandpa. Their cows & calves escaped too with another one of our 11. The rest of our little herd they got back after a little game of chasey with Hubby and his cousin (K was over Grandpa's working on fences).

Hubby unlocked the padlock on the gate to the lane way to fix it, the chain was across and he came back for lunch. Somehow it came open - we suspect the Bull pushed on it and the chain wasn't latched securely.

Today , I got my apron on and started baking. I wanted to bake some treats for the boys who start school on Monday *sob*. Chocolate coconut slice and Low fat choc-chip banana loaf that I am trying in the bread maker. The oven is small and not too good at getting and staying hot - so I made the slice in it.

Ingredients ~ Low fat choc-chip banana loaf

2 cups S/R flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon bicarb of soda

2/3 cup caster sugar 

1 cup choc chips ( I used dark)

2 eggs 

1 cup buttermilk ( I substituted 1/4 cup lowfat milk & with 1 teaspoon lemon juice & 3/4 cup natural yoghurt because I had no BM)
1 tablespoon olive oil

1 cup mashed bananas

Icing sugar to dust

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 180 ° (if using loaf pan - grease and line it)
2. Sift flour , bicarb of soda and cinnamon in a medium bowl, stir in sugar & choc bits (I used dark) and mix in well.
3. Whisk together in a jug - eggs , buttermilk (or my substitute) , olive oil and bananas until smooth
4. Stir mixture into flour mix , then spoon into prepared loaf tin - or toss it all in bread-maker like I did.
5. Bake at 180° for 45- 55 minutes until brown and knife or skewer comes out clean from center of loaf. If using a large or deeper loaf pan, increase time to 50-60 minutes. 
6. Leave to cool in loaf tin for 10 mins - turn out onto wire rack - Serve and dust with icing sugar if desired - consume responsibly !

{How low fat it is I know not - but it should serve 10 ?} 

The result was a very moist, not too sweet banana bread perfect with a cup of tea.

I noticed this one is a different texture to last time I made it in my previous oven - could it be the buttermilk substitute  or the bread maker and a short, deeper loaf tin ?

The choc coconut slice is overcooked very crunchy - it was too soft so I left it longer and longer ...covered with icing and coconut it is still very edible ! I also reduced the sugar, butter by a 1/4 - 1/5 and added rolled oats - so it makes a difference too maybe. I confess I am not an expert on tweaking recipes.

I 'd be grateful to know how to stop the choc chips from sinking ?

♥

Grateful - not end up in the frying pan

Most days from son'rise to son'set are busy.

Not our farm but Broken Hill - quickest I could locate

New challenges emerge and I just don't know where to start as we settle in to our tree change lifestyle here on the farm.

There is a lot to do or NOT ; there is no real hurry.

I was reminded last night never to take anything for granted because we can lose loved ones in a blink.

Time after time I am humbled and inspired by words on redefining joy in our lives, no matter what the present circumstances.

I followed the journey of a blogger called Emilie with terminal cancer for a while.
Early in her journey she wrote ...

If there is a bright side to any of this, it's that the unimportant, superficial things in our lives have suddenly fallen away, and we are intensely focused on what remains truly important, which is each other, our family, and making the most of the time we have together now. Emilie Lemmons

Tragically, her time with her two young boys was cut very short.

Try as I might I can't help worrying about how much time any of us have.

The message I try to focus on - is life is far too precious and we should just live intensely in the present, absorbing and embracing life as it happens. Plan for future yes but live for today.

It means letting the superficial things in life go and stop sweating the small stuff. In the end will they matter ?

I thankful for the laughter, squeals and chattering that spills drink and crumbs through my home. {The floors are concrete now so it really doesn't matter}

I am grateful beyond measure that these sounds fill my ears home and heart because it means I have children who are happy and healthy. Children I never thought would bless my life.

I am thankful for my health and theirs. Our health isn't perfect and we have ongoing health issues , but we are still blessed.

I am thankful for my family and that most of time we get along and help each other out... thankful my Brother, Sister in law, niece and nephew who came to spend a few days with us. Plus extended cousins who came to visit too. We were all grateful the temperatures this year were in the 20's ° not 40's °.

credit

We had so much fun catching Yabbies in the dams - approx: 70 yesterday (from 2 dams) and again today (1 of same dams). I bet the Yabbies were grateful we only relocated them to another dam and not the frying pan {yet}. I guess it is all any of us can hope for any day not to end up in the frying pan and to keep swimming another day ! (Do yabbies even swim ? hmm)

Have you tried Yabbies ? How do you cook them ?

♥

Australian Women’s Weekly

I am often moved to tears by real life inspiring stories of people overcoming challenges... and ...where would we be without the latest heartthrobs {Colin Firth}.

Normally, I quickly skim through the regular features ~ fashion& beauty, family ideas, health updates, quick and easy recipes I can make at home, till I settle down with a cuppa and a special feature.

The Internet will never replace magazines for me. I don’t pick up every issue like I used too. While I have subscribed to various offers over the years I am not currently a subscriber. I’ve often purchased things I’ve seen reviewed or featured in their ads which sometimes are like a featured article.

"this is just a few"

It wasn’t a regular feature but it caught my eye, on the front cover – Life Lessons- Happiness is learning to be grateful. I checked the contents and I flicked over to page 79 ~

Titled: A year of living GRATEFULLY.

It focuses on the grateful movement sweeping the country, transforming lives as the grateful project participants take a photo a day of something they are thankful for.

A daily reminder to stop and smell the roses (literally something that is very close to my heart).

Day by day people have been searching for things that bring happiness and thankfulness.

The article mentioned champion rower, Rachael Taylor who started her 365 gratitude project as a disillusioned mother. She soon became a blogger- posting her daily grateful photos - so that captured my immediate attention too.

I was interested to know it started by another mother Hailey Bartholomew who in 2008, who inspired another mother, Felicity. She used her Facebook page to post her daily snapshots of grateful.

My favourite quote is by Felicity

“I think we have a tendency to think about the things we are missing in our lives and the things we haven’t achieved instead of seeing how blessed we really are”

This nails it for me – that by taking a simple photo people can find joy. It also reminds me to not to get stuck on where I am not...to look around and celebrate.

By seeking out and capturing those wonderful mundane things  ; like the washing on the line, fresh baked bread, a flower or children playing , we shift the focus and create something positive.

The images in this article appealed to me and gave me some great ideas of my own.

As much as I want to I doubt I could commit to a full 365 Gratitude project. The article has inspired me to start the New Year seeking out some happy moments of grateful, be it the mundane or that little bit of magic in my own life through 2012.

Reading this article in Women’s Weekly Magazine won’t transform my life but it certainly fires up a bit of passion in me and makes me think about living more gratefully.


♥

Grateful for little things

The world would be a much happier place if we could all appreciate the little things more often.
Little posts included :)

I am very grateful for these three things which have made camping outside of caravan parks more possible enjoyable ...

You need not see the picture of the campground toilet .Trust me !

do you know what this is ?

And this view warmed my heart this week too.

*sigh* missing my view tonight

where we camped Wed & Thu ...

just beyond the table is the walkway through

the beach !

Tonight, the caravan park (Hopetoun), where we are paying $38 a night , looks much the same as the free campground , except for a concrete pad - haven't seen the beach yet due to the rain !
It is a bit of a disappointment.
It's pouring raining and my washing is wet ( the only reason we decided to stay in caravan park) .
I am not complaining.
I am extremely grateful we are warm, dry and comfortable inside our caravan ... I pity those camping in tents.
Bring on a sunny Sunday !

 

♥ Never miss a post

Let's go fly a kite

It's been a huge week and I've literally been blown away by the West coast of Western Australia. Yes, it is very windy but perfect for kites surfing (not me) and

 

kite flying. It is also beautiful. My camera cannot capture what the eye can see.

It makes me want to start singing ...Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest heights

Before leaving home DH purchased those 2 x $5 kites from Aldi. We have had the most awesome fun with the Drummer boys. I am so grateful he did. I saw them but doubted they would last long.

Though yesterday it almost happened when Sam let his kite go and it hit the water. It was sucked in , went under and disappeared. I nagged asked DH go in after it.

 
So, it was just a $5 kite but OMG it would have been the end of it. Can you imagine the whinging sad face of one little boy. I am grateful  DH stripped down to his t-shirt and undies to save the day. The people sitting by the rotunda high on the bank certainly were laughing as much as I was.

 

 

At the moment we are camped, powerless, at Sandy Cape Campground, Jurien Bay. It's maybe 20 steps from the beach just over a little sand dune. I am grateful is it not this sand dune.

 

Though it might be fun to slide down it today.
I am so grateful for this stunning location - at only $15 night too. We had two relaxing days at the BIG4 Sunset Beach Caravan Park in Geraldton too.

What are you grateful for today ?
What are your plans this weekend ?

Grateful for Whales and windless travelling

I am very grateful that the diabolical winds of the past week eased so we had a pleasanter day's traveling on our road-trip. It meant we got better fuel economy across the Nullabor, than we have been getting. (Just so you know - Petrol was $2.02 (premium $2.10) , Autogas $124.9 at Nullabor ...it still beats walking.)

It was a spectacular sight to see the Southern Right Whales at Head of Bight, SA . We saw several cows and their calves at the Head of Bight Interpretive Centre . An amazing experience indeed , breathtakingly grateful for the privilege. The vista of the cliffs , coastline and ocean was stunning too.

We have been on the road a week today and have almost crossed the SA / WA border. We are 10kms E of Border Village on SA /WA border tonight. We are camped (in our cosy caravan) at a designated free camp in bushland right on the coastline. It was getting too dark to safely go for a walk [cliffs ?] but I will in the morning.It is also very windy and cold.I am grateful for free camp$.

I'm very grateful for my iPad and mobile wifi that are keeping me connected to my world. I have only had limited access at the moment so I apologise if I have missed replying to comments or visiting your blogs.

I'm grateful my little Lego lads are enjoying playing Lego- Duplo in the car as we clock up the miles to get to WA. Remember to enter my new Lego Hero factory giveaway.





Maxabella's Grateful is over at Lioness lady today.