Mangoes, Melanoma, Minted Old Gold and The Book of Life - I must confess

Morning , Noon or Midnight ?
The posting time should give this away immediately 11.23 pm.

The legacy of being a shiftworker and an avid reader as a child and teenager (ok always) ... I confess couldn't put the book down and would sneak a torch under the covers.

[Though wickedly now, it includes the checking of Facebook before bed and being lured into clicking on links]


Responsibilities, as a more experienced Registered Nurse or in charge of shift, meant I often finished my afternoon shift later than some of my colleagues (who nicked off by 10.45pm). So the 11pm shift finish was more like 11.30pm Then I had to drive home , arriving home after midnight and needing to wind down. I still preferred afternoon shift as opposed to getting up at 6am, especially after going to bed often at 1am at least once a week - the quick shift.

Even now I rouse at 6am only if it really suits me ...to join the Vixen's running group , Personal training (though not in the last month) and dragon boat paddling (once a week).

I confess to loving the fact that none of my children were early risers as babies/toddlers. When I was breastfeeding they would happily doze back to sleep (albeit in our bed) after an early feed. I could not have kept up with them coped otherwise.

I've always been a night owl (like both my parents) , though I confess sometimes it catches up with me. Last night we digitally downloaded the  Book of Life on iTunes.

A very different movie to what I was expecting. The  ‪#‎dayofthedead‬ celebration was vibrant and the animation amazing. The Minions stayed awake all the way through , nudging me from my couch slumber as the end was nigh. I didn't realise I'd nodded off for a nana nap at nine.

Trying to recognise the well known voices of the animated characters and laughing out loud , it was quite funny and moving ... more than my running on empty tank could take. I fell under a sleeping spell. 

It's now available for digital download and I was gifted a code much to the delight of the minions.

THE BOOK OF LIFE, a vibrant fantasy-adventure, tells the legend of Manolo, a conflicted hero and dreamer who sets off on an epic quest through magical, mythical and wondrous worlds in order to rescue his one true love and defend his village. (c) Fox

Tonight, I'm mighty a anxious. I have to be up early and at the hospital by 8am for day surgery. The surgeon wants to get a better margin where the melanoma was removed 7 weeks ago. I'm worried how I'll look , being on my face and close to my eye. The only eye I have vision in. I'm very grateful I will be completely out like a light and feel nothing.

In prepartion for NBM - [fast from midnight] I've been inhaling a mango , Jersey caramels and Pepperminted Old Gold Dark chocolate. Consequently, I feel quite ill right at this moment.
Bad idea. Pass the antacids.

I'm still reovering from the Hysterectomy , so I haven't run or exercised much. My body is screaming out for action. Today was the first time I paddled or exerted myself in 4 weeks. I didn't pass out but I could feel the affects of inactivity.

I'm increasingly anxious about lots of things.

Sleep who needs it.
Are you a morning , noon or night person ?

 ♥

Are we ever really cancer free ? ..the buts and ifs

It's here.
Not , less than 10 days to Christmas.
I feel anxious, though I have no reason to be.
My scans are stable , except they have yet to scan my thigh where the malignant tumour MPNST was.
I will be asking for that to happen.

My husband and I head will travel 400kms to Sydney to see the Radiaiton oncologist for 6 monthly follow-up appointments, tomorrow, with Radiation Oncologist at The Crown Princess Mary Cancer Care Centre Westmead (what a mouthful)

We are so thankful for the Oncologists and other medical Drs who kept (keep) us ticking. This morning I read an article that nails it and helped me understand some of my own feelings.



This is a snippet.

I would always figure out what needed to be done and then did the best I could to move on, happy and worry-free. But now, not so much. I worry about my health, along with every ache and pain. I think about all the possibilities of what could attack my body. I think about my kids, my hubby, and my family. I think about cancer finding its way back into my life. Although I am a strong person and live a healthy and active lifestyle, I feel physically vulnerable all the time. What if the cancer never left? I sometimes fear that it will never be gone. Is anyone ever truly "cancer-free?"

I feel more emotionally vulnerable. That gut wrenching feeling is with me every day. Little aches and pains send subconscious shivers through my soul. I can't brush the worry off.

No amount of therapy would help because the fear is intense. I deal with it as best I can. I keep busy.

But the moment you are sent home with your "get out of jail free" card, you are alone, unsupported, and left to deal with the after effects no one really warns you about. No one tells you that you will come down from that adrenaline rush to a place where you don't know what you feel, think or how to move forward in your life.

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-12-2014/Are-We-Ever-Really-Cancer-Free

I hope that it may be of some help to you, to understand too.

♥

I Touch Myself Project

I started to see news of this project featuring Chrissy Amphlett's “I Touch Myself” filtering through my Facebook feed last night.
It is too close to my heart. It stopped me in my tracks.

• Talking to strangers or people in my real life about my boobs or lack there of. I feel a bit creeped out weird about what I overshare ; things I wouldn't have dare previously said out loud  to people about in real life .

Right now I have a pain in heart and a tear in my eye. I'm living in fear.

As Chrissie rode out on a horse called Music , she left us this legacy (sorry Willie) when she passed away almost a year ago

Early detection is vital.
My friend the dear Mrs Woog is an ambassador for

I Touch Myself Project.

Go ahead and check it out , then check yourself I'll wait.

Not sure how ?

One of the reasons I am blogging about my breast cancer journey is to raise and spread awareness. I know that reminding people to check their breasts could save their life.



Right now - I have a tortuous and terrifying 8wks wait (for a PET SCAN to see if the nodules found recently on my lungs are something to worry about - related to Breast cancer (or my MPNST Sarcoma) or nothing. They are too small right now to biopsy . The fear is crippling me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - so please take note and touch yourself.


Touching yourself is healthy habit that should be as much a part of your daily routine, like showering, dressing and looking in the mirror. 

You don't need to wait for a special day, check your breasts wherever and whenever works for you but do it regularly. A minimum of monthly is recommended.


I was always a little Breast Aware but even so I was slack and hap hazard about checking.
I wasn't aware of all the changes to look for ...it isn't just a lump.

Most breast changes aren’t due to cancer - but if you find a change that is unusual for you, see your GP to make sure.

I had 2-3 symptoms at diagnosis - though my breasts were always lumpy. I found this website which tell you what to look for

A new lump or lumpiness, especially if it's only in one breast. A change in the size or shape of your breast. A change to the nipple such as crusting, ulcer, redness or inversion. A nipple discharge that occurs without squeezing A change in the skin of your breast such as redness or dimpling. An unusual pain that doesn't go away.

I had 2-3 symptoms at diagnosis - pain, discharge on squeezing (because I had pain) and my breasts were always kind of lumpy. I did see my GP immediately, both times I had nipple discharge. May 2011 it wasn't breast cancer (that I know).

How do you reduce your risks ? 

How do you calculate your risk based on evidence ?
Calculator

 I didn't know that an inherited faulty gene only accounts for 5% of all breast cancers. Even then breast cancer is so common that it need not be a faulty inherited gene that causes BC within the same family.

I thought it couldn't happen to me , though I've had several mammograms and ultrasounds despite that misguided belief...just for reassurance.


So have you felt yourself today ...you can never be too busy !


 I'm sorry if this makes your uncomfortable !

Watch the video and share it with all the women (and men) you know.

Thanks to Allie's suggestion - yes there is an app for that .

a fun one - Your man reminder

http://www.ibreastcheck.com/  in App store and Android.

  ♥

Bracing myself for what comes next - update.

On Friday I noticed my left thigh seemed to be more swollen. I wondered if it could have been related to another trip to Sydney on Thursday. This time my husband drove so we could attend a funeral of my dear friend's mum - about 9-10hrs return. It got worse over the weekend despite massage.

I wish I'd thought to wrestle slip on my compression [running] pants. Today, I chased around trying to get an ultrasound since I'd self diagnosed a seroma (accumulated fluid) ,much easier to deal with compared to the alternative an infection/abscess or something else - though it was unlikely.

The GP couldn't get me an appointment at either of the two local imaging centres , so he said present to the hospital.

Thankfully, I had my iPad and 2048 and Sudoku to pass the waiting time. My mobile wifi refused to connect.

 I'm grateful I got the ultrasound because I would have cracked it I don't want anything to delay the start of the radiotherapy. My appointment with the Professor -Radiation Oncology is tomorrow to get that rolling.

As it was a seroma (and I was a private patient for my surgery in Sydney), the Dr rang my surgeon in Sydney, out of courtesy, for advice. I need to have the accumulated fluid [seroma] drained by a needle and syringe aspirated under guided ultrasound tomorrow at 9.45am, at the hospital.

It took a while to get everything sorted and then I was quite stressed because I had to be home to meet my boys at the school bus. I made it just in time.

Bracing myself for what comes next because I might need to have it done a few times, I hope it sounds worse than it actually is ?
Fun times.

EDIT - Well we were wrong - the fluid was a haematoma and a collection of blood not serous fluid - about 70mls was aspirated by a bloody big 19 gauge needle and syringe. It is still a bit swollen looking but swelling has reduced. The worse part was the local anaesthetic injection. It is now sorer than before but I'm sucking it up and going to paddle today anyway.

I am now (in the next week or so) in waiting, for the call to give me an appointment for Radiation treatment planning.

  -♥

Wellwoman Cancer Insurance easing the financial burdens

Sponsored by Wellwoman and Digital Parents Collective

Just over nine months ago my life plan was interrupted when I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma 'IDC'- also known simply as Breast cancer.

Life shattering. Life changing.
  
When I read about Wellwoman I knew it was something that the women amongst my family, friends and readers would honestly benefit from. I know the harsh financial burdens that accompany a cancer diagnosis. ' Financial ' stress added to my worries.

It is not easy to talk or think about a cancer diagnosis as a mother or wife.No-one wants to consider it happening to them. EVER. This was my reality and 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with Breast cancer in their lifetime.

Wellwoman, by AIG Direct, is a newly launched cancer insurance product in Australia for women aged 18- 69yrs.

Say you are diagnosed with any of the seven cancers specific to women -
Breast cancer, Ovarian cancer, Cervical cancer, Cancer of the uterus, vagina, vulva or fallopian tubes. Wellwoman - cover pays a one-off, lump sum payment of between $25,000 and $45,000 after diagnosis.

This leaves you to focus on your treatment and recovery and things that matter most - not worrying yourself sick about the bills. The payment can be used for anything you choose e.g. a holiday, childcare or mortgage repayments.

 




Premiums start from $9.95 per month (Top cover is $19.95 per month).Wellwoman does not cover pre-malignant tumours, cancers currently undergoing tests or previously diagnosed. [Check their Product Disclosure for more information.]

I'll tell you more about Wellwoman later and I've got a special giveaway to launch too.

Linking up with Jess #IBOT
 ♥

Up and down , Get up !

Yesterday, was a very long day we left home at 6am to travel to Sydney for my last review appointment. We arrived home at midnight. I felt for my husband.

Up and down the emotional rollercoaster the highways and by-ways is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting - the round trip is 700km /10hrs... I wasn't driving. It's a relief my next treatments will be 15mins from home. 

The Oncology review clinic was running 2hrs late - we exited our 10:45 appointment at 1:30pm. We saw Dr #1 at about 12:45pm for 10 mins, then waited 15 mins in between to see the Oncologist for 10mins.

It was all good with nothing new to be learned. They don't even examine me. I'm not not complaining , just saying I'm glad we had another reason for the trip down to Sydney.

When you arrive you wait in big 'muster' waiting area before being 'drafted' in smaller waiting rooms down the corridor or waiting for your beeper to go off saying they are ready for you in Chemo or in Radiation.

I'm  a little bit thankful appointments were late, because I got to briefly catch up with my 'old playgroup' friend, A. She was diagnosed with Breast cancer a month prior to my diagnosis. A was there in big waiting area, waiting to be beeped for her chemo as the chemotherapy treatment clinic was also running very late.

We chatted about our eyebrows (or lack thereof ) , dark painted nails , diets & cancer food and positive ways of coping , as you do... In the 'quiet 'crowded waiting room I'm sure everyone was aware of us.


Not everyone looks sick , though you can easily spot the cancer patient from carer usually by the head gear or the ones gently guiding frailer looking older people . Some people talk in hushed voices, guarding their 'personal' and emotional space. They just stare ahead at the TV, their phone or iPad or old magazines. Styrofoam cups of tea, coffee and 'plastic' biscuits are available if you like.

Sitting there you feel such a strong range of emotions ; anticipation, anger (One lady was very 'agro' because the clinics were running so late) , hope, sadness, even boredom ... mirrored in the sea of faces that surround you. Though now the chairs are banked, fixed in rows and close together instead of around the walls you don't make so much eye contact.

This morning I was feeling down, as well as tired and cold (yes it's blowing a gale with wild weather here as everywhere). I'm grateful my SIL who minded our little boys, at the other farm due to our late return, was putting them on the school bus.

I couldn't summon the emotional energy to get up. I'm don't exactly feel depressed, in fact  I feel physically better this week. Some days are better than others. I think it is returning to the Dr's office and talking about cancer that reminds me of my diagnosis and the interruption that cancer has caused to our life.

We also visited our old home for 15 mins , it's empty (tenants vacated), while still filled with memories ...not to mention clean carpet, my big kitchen , my roses , a lush green lawn and our old life.I still love the farm, our 'homely shed' and living here. Just sometimes it feels lonely and isolated here. I miss my friends.

Eventually, I stumbled out of bed at 11:30 am , only after my darling hubby made me tea and toast in bed, then lit the fire and went off to borrow firewood from the neighbours ; ).


 

I happened upon this song - I like it ! GET UP !

I'm a bit fired up now by the song and the fire.Though going back to bed is still inviting ...did I mention it's cold , grey and blustery and my hammock is like a parachute in the wind. 


Do you ever feel like you just want to stop and catch your breath ?
Would you like to hit pause, lay low and stay in bed all day ?

♥

Moving on - Good news

I am always a little hesitant announcing good news, it is just the way I am.

However I know that there are so many whose prayers and kind thoughts I have appreciated.
Small comments from a far that bring immeasurable comfort.It’s been such a mammoth 10 months.

The PET scan DH had last week was all clear. We got GOOD news when we saw the Oncologist at Westmead today - except for showing he really did fracture a rib in December when he came off the motorbike at the farm when Dubbo flooded and the farm was inundated with rain and water run off.

No wonder he was so sore. We couldn't get out that night anyway and the next day he had other concerns and soldiered on.I can't believe he struggled through that pain digging and getting vehicle unbogged. 

I never want to come off as comment or attention seeking in the face of DH's cancer journey. We still have miles to go before we can feel reassured .They keep telling us what a rare cancer it is. So I feel many more emotions than I can express here.

credit

I don't portray that my life is perfect, because I promise you – it’s not. I so thankful I finally have a little good news to share…it means we can move on with plans to finalise closure of our business, sell our house, have a holiday road trip and take the long road 'home' to a shack in the country.

Ps : We'll celebrate our 21st Wedding anniversary on Thursday so what better gift.
 ♥ Never miss a post

This, that and then some

1. Scrabble Letter C, 2. letter C, 3. Chocolate Heart,
4. Free Tasty Technicolor Treats

This ...

I am finding it really hard everyday today , as much as I try, to be inspired to look beyond our present circumstances ...my husband living with cancer, my own health fears and the uncertainy for our future (selling our house & moving ?).
I feel a failure at everything.
I can't commit to anything.
Looking too far down the road ...I can't go there.
I can't even see beyond the next corner or think about next week (Dh's followup app. at Cancer care centre with specialist).
It feels like everything - illness, financial stress and everlasting anxiety has come to steal our focus and joy.
Robbed of choices.

---

That ...

being said ...I will never give up HOPE and faith.

New International Version (©1984)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (other translations say it slightly differently...plans for good/peace, not for evil/diaster)

Right now , I feel a little let down by friends.It's not their fault - it's my expectations.

I feel isolated. The more isolated I feel , the more I shy away from catching up or asking to see them. Anxious why they don't offer or bother either.
Isolation begets isolation. The internet is my only friend some days.
Don't get me wrong ... I know I have some good & special friends. Well I hope so ...

Though honestly, many, they have no idea about what I'm feeling like. They do not really know the real me (and probably I don't know them.)

---

And then ...
On a brighter note, this morning I was up early. It was deary - I wanted sunshine.
I linked into Flog your blog friday.
I had the pleasure to read some very inspiring writing, especially at Moments of Whimsy , a series of posts Encouragement for the journey written by women over 40.

I promise I will get fired up motivated to change my attitude.

---

some more
Though I am not looking forward to Christmas ...actually the leadup & the organising not so much the day itself. I am a wee bit excited about

Christmas crafts galore ...this will keep everyone busy for the next 50 days. OMG did I just say 50 days till Christmas.

Remember to scroll down to the bottom of the Christmas lanterns to browse the impressive Christmas list for everything. We are going to make these magnets for everyone.

Chocolate, a cookie and a cuppa that will pick me up. The sun is peeking out now too.

♥ Never miss a post