Monday, 15 December 2014

Are we ever really cancer free ? ..the buts and ifs

It's here.
Not , less than 10 days to Christmas.
I feel anxious, though I have no reason to be.
My scans are stable , except they have yet to scan my thigh where the malignant tumour MPNST was.
I will be asking for that to happen.

My husband and I head will travel 400kms to Sydney to see the Radiaiton oncologist for 6 monthly follow-up appointments, tomorrow, with Radiation Oncologist at The Crown Princess Mary Cancer Care Centre Westmead (what a mouthful)

We are so thankful for the Oncologists and other medical Drs who kept (keep) us ticking. This morning I read an article that nails it and helped me understand some of my own feelings.

This is a snippet.
I would always figure out what needed to be done and then did the best I could to move on, happy and worry-free. But now, not so much. I worry about my health, along with every ache and pain. I think about all the possibilities of what could attack my body. I think about my kids, my hubby, and my family. I think about cancer finding its way back into my life. Although I am a strong person and live a healthy and active lifestyle, I feel physically vulnerable all the time. What if the cancer never left? I sometimes fear that it will never be gone. Is anyone ever truly "cancer-free?"

I feel more emotionally vulnerable. That gut wrenching feeling is with me every day. Little aches and pains send subconscious shivers through my soul. I can't brush the worry off.

No amount of therapy would help because the fear is intense. I deal with it as best I can. I keep busy.

But the moment you are sent home with your "get out of jail free" card, you are alone, unsupported, and left to deal with the after effects no one really warns you about. No one tells you that you will come down from that adrenaline rush to a place where you don't know what you feel, think or how to move forward in your life.

I hope that it may be of some help to you, to understand too.