When life is a bitch

I am 45 years old (for another 3 weeks anyway) with few risk factors. My maternal and paternal grandmothers both lived well into their 80's. I have twin boys (6 in 2.5 weeks), my older adopted son (19 in 4 days) and a husband (who himself had cancer 2 years ago). 

Last week I noticed a sore spot in my breast while running , and then a discharge from my nipple. I saw my GP the next day, and booked a mammogram and ultrasound for a week later (yesterday) .

I 'knew' before I left the building , foreboding sinister thoughts derailing sensible, keep calm ones. I wasn't even home an hour when the GP's receptionist called to book a followup appointment today at 2pm.The report said my scan and mammogram are abnormal most likely 'breast neoplasm' and an immediate biopsy was recommended.
 
I had the 'punch' needle biopsy this afternoon. They squeezed me in straight after I saw the GP . She called the Surgeon who said the biopsy would be a good idea. The u/s lady, about my age, kept telling me - I was a 'good girl' and calling me 'Sis' ...I can laugh a little at how silly it sounded to me, but she was lovely. Kind.

I barely felt the bad ass needle - after a little local anaesthetic , adrenaline or whatever - it didn't hurt, maybe slightly uncomfortable. The punch biopsy was like a sudden unexpected jolt ...

I will see the Surgeon, Monday 8am, in Sydney. He is a great specialist ; a Professor even. His receptionist said  if , I need surgery, he has already booked me in for Wednesday next week. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified or consumed by anxiety.
We traveled a similar road barely 2 years ago.
I am not being a pessimist.

I slept maybe 2-3 hrs last night - once the worry wheels start churning and there’s no way to put the brakes on.

It is one step at a time from here.
There are miles to go... there is no way out but through.

What if I allow myself to put the outcome in God’s hands and just live intensely in the present, absorbing and embracing life as it happens? Emilie Lemmons

IF you believe in prayer or mantras, then say one hundred for me because I do believe in the power of prayer - mightily so. If not, virtual hand holding is good too.


I feel blessed to have my choice of specialist, one , whom I am very comfortable with and trust completely - he saved my husband's life. Ironically, he is the very same surgeon who operated on my husband's malignant tumour just over 2 years ago.

I decide to Google the Prof's details minutes before I saw the GP. I could not remember his surname (at that moment), just his first name and the private hospital, breast - bingo.

We will travel to Sydney on Sunday. I don't know how long we will stay.Our cat and dog are coming too.

New International Version (©1984)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

For information on how to be 'breast aware' and look for any changes in your breasts, visit the Breast Cancer Network Australia website - section on breast changes and breast awareness.

PS - I apologise if you are family or a good friend reading this before I've really had a chance to tell you, I am sorry.  It is the only way I can deal with this , all at once in this message. I just can't put the words together eloquently on the phone . I have to hold it together anyway I can.

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Breathe

The last few weeks really took a toll.
There is so much more than I couldn't begin to explain. Other 'stuff' better left unsaid.

Today I am thankful that I can breath again, deep long sighs of relief. It's my most thankful Thursday ever. Thankful for Tuesday's good news. Thankful we can move on. Thankful for prayers. I am thankful every day !

Yesterday our 18 yr old was offered a job, to start Monday week (11 days). I hope he realises the privilege of employment and a weekly wage. I am truly thankful that someone is giving him a go.

It was Sam and Joel's last day at their early learning centre 'preschool'. I feel a bit sad they are leaving. The teaching and carers are wonderful and kind. The Director, owner, lives next door and is very hands on. It is also a beautiful centre on acreage with sheep,baby lambs, a cow and views. I am thankful for the care they have given my cherubs the last 2.5 yrs (mostly 1 day a week, except a few weeks of 2 days when hubby was having radiation treatment last year. They helped us out there immensely).

Their last day was also White Balloon day

so it was  a huge celebration with a jumping castle, visit by

 

Lightening McQueen,

Firetruck, balloons, cupcakes,face painting,lollies ...fun all round. I got to spend some time there too.

It has been 7 yrs since we bought our home yesterday and I am thankful for the memories we have engraved on our hearts here. Settlement was unfortunately the day of our Charlotte's funeral so it will be forever etched.

What are you thankful for ?

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Wordless Wednesday ~ Keeping Calm

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~ Glenn Turner

There are no rules but please can people come back to give comment love on the later entries :)
PS : This is the rocking chair from the farm on my Father in law's side. 
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Moving on - Good news

I am always a little hesitant announcing good news, it is just the way I am.

However I know that there are so many whose prayers and kind thoughts I have appreciated.
Small comments from a far that bring immeasurable comfort.It’s been such a mammoth 10 months.

The PET scan DH had last week was all clear. We got GOOD news when we saw the Oncologist at Westmead today - except for showing he really did fracture a rib in December when he came off the motorbike at the farm when Dubbo flooded and the farm was inundated with rain and water run off.

No wonder he was so sore. We couldn't get out that night anyway and the next day he had other concerns and soldiered on.I can't believe he struggled through that pain digging and getting vehicle unbogged. 

I never want to come off as comment or attention seeking in the face of DH's cancer journey. We still have miles to go before we can feel reassured .They keep telling us what a rare cancer it is. So I feel many more emotions than I can express here.

credit

I don't portray that my life is perfect, because I promise you – it’s not. I so thankful I finally have a little good news to share…it means we can move on with plans to finalise closure of our business, sell our house, have a holiday road trip and take the long road 'home' to a shack in the country.

Ps : We'll celebrate our 21st Wedding anniversary on Thursday so what better gift.
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Grateful Saturday - P

 

...mmm another pav is on the menu when friends visit tomorrow

Paddling pools in the paddocks - a sanitysaver for the 5 kids when the temperatures shot to over 43 ° and the kids & parents were melting.

 

Pondering

who to the peg the

 

at ...another distraction when the kids were melting.

Pay it forward I still have a few spots available for my PIF giveaway & ...

Prayers - my husband , M has a followup PET scan on Tuesday we are praying he still cancer free. I am so grateful my friend told me her church in Dubbo, we visited recently, added M to their pray list.

Promise of a much cooler day today ...welcome home relief. 


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An update ...

So, it wasn't the news we were expecting.

It's not ... though my husband will have to undergo further treatment to beat his cancer. The journey to hope has begun.





Life is still good. My husband isn't sick . Of course we are scared ...
even terrified as we stand on the threshold of this new bridge to cross. It might be a long & winding road but we are not alone.

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Life is good in Australia.

Today, I received an answer to prayer. It isn't something I can't tell you and I really don't mean to tease. It was a quite quirky how it happened. It ties in with what happened next ...

Today we went to see AUSTRALIA - with Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman.It was amazing movie. Life in Australia in 1939 was not so good. I recommend it highly. It was dramatic and spectacular. Brilliant cinematography.

Due to the timing of our babysitter (my Mum) and it being the holidays - we spoilt ourselves and went into the Gold lounge. It was our first time ;) .

The huge reclining seats were incredible and if you have to sit 3 hrs in a seat -then do it.It was worth it... we got free popcorn and softdrink too (in a real glass)



If we hadn't decided to go to the movies - it might not have happened. The song if you have seen Australia is so apt. Hope & believe.

It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things that have concerned me for months.It was an answer to a prayer that I wasn't expecting. Yes, it was something good.Yes, dreams do come true. I am very thankful for the timing.

I love this song. It always gives me so much hope.I am thankful for so many things today.

Nicole Kidman's character reminds of Jeannie Gunn and We of the Never never. I have visited the Northern Territory (1992) and it is very beautiful 'country'. I look forward to going back one day.
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Hardly There

It 's almost Christmas and that time of year we are more painfully aware of the loved ones that are no longer with us or those that never made it past the sanctuary of the womb.

I found this quote somewhere ...

"though in reality you were hardly there ~ in my heart you were everything"

Christmas Angel...

I have a little angel
I hang upon my tree
She reminds me of another that
I cannot touch or see.
As I place my lovely angel midst
the sparkling lights on high
My other little angel roams the
dazzling, star lit sky.

As I celebrate at Christmas time
God's child who came to Earth
I think back to that special day-
My own beloved child's birth.
As long ago, the world was shown
A wondrous star above,
within my heart there shines a light
of pure undying love.

Perhaps for one, she'll put aside
her thoughts of heavenly things,
remembering this time on Earth
she'll soar on shimmering wings.
Join little ones with shining eyes and
thoughts of Christmas glee,
The holy day, she'll spend with us-
her earthly family.

Perhaps we have a feeling that
our little one is near
As she soothes the sad place in our hearts
and dries our secret tears.
Then she'll take flight on outstretched wings
for heaven up above
while we receive the greatest gift
of God's eternal love.
~ Alice Check Beaverton

Thank you for Tiff and ~William~ for sharing this poem with me in 2006.

Image from Flickr

Four years ago I didn't want to celebrate Christmas.

Three years ago we were approaching Christmas joyfully barely 8 weeks pregnant with our twin sons. We shared the joyful news on Christmas day - uncertain but hopeful.

It isn't possible to put into words how much it meant to us after losing Charlotte. She was due December 1st but was stillborn 1st September.

I struggle to imagine what if's ... if she didn't die and /or would they be here at all...?

There are seasons in the our lives that we must all go through ...they make us what we are today.

Faith , Hope , Believe ...Pray ! - If you have time to pray for sweet, precious Kayleigh - a real Christmas Miracle, who really needs your prayers.

oh and Laugh ...I just remembered this post a year ago yesterday
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Handle with prayer

hi , it has been a while.

It's incredibly hard to write this post but just so you know where I am at.

Last week my husband and teenage son, suddenly and voluntarily left our home for an undetermined period whilst we sort out a few personal,grief and marriage issues.Plus my relationship with our teenager.

I've made mistakes.A lot.

It's been hard.

It is a long story.

It's too personal.

I am not sure how much I even really understand.

We are still talking and trying to work through this time as best we can.

Right now it's being compounded by 'outsiders' giving advice.

I feel very alone and isolated.

It is unbearable right now.

I just need time to focus on my little boys and resolving the difficulties in our marriage.It is all I can think about.

I trust my marriage is in the Hands of God and I will see a resolution in time.

Handle with prayer !

I just pray that This, too, will pass !

Glass ...

P H O T O H U N T

"glass"

I give thanks for answered prayers ...
Life is Fragile - Handle with Prayer (unknown)

People are like stained-glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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post 199 ... Merry Christmas Everyone

today is my 199 post - Christmas Eve and only 22 mins till Christmas Day comes -

To all my wonderful blogging friends ...

One shining star to make the world bright

One infant child born on that wonderful night
One little prayer for those we hold dear.
God bless you at Christmas and all through the year

with love and warm wishes ...

Bedtime Prayers

My New Favourite Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags.
And please lift my derriere before it sags.
Please no bushy eyebrows, please no facial hair.
And keep all waxing pain free or let there be Nair.
Please no age spots, Please no grey,
And as for my tummy, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy. Please keep me young.
And thank you dear lord for all you have done.

(author unknown but I have also changed it)