Thursday, 14 June 2012

When life is a bitch

I am 45 years old (for another 3 weeks anyway) with few risk factors. My maternal and paternal grandmothers both lived well into their 80's. I have twin boys (6 in 2.5 weeks), my older adopted son (19 in 4 days) and a husband (who himself had cancer 2 years ago). 

Last week I noticed a sore spot in my breast while running , and then a discharge from my nipple. I saw my GP the next day, and booked a mammogram and ultrasound for a week later (yesterday) .

I 'knew' before I left the building , foreboding sinister thoughts derailing sensible, keep calm ones. I wasn't even home an hour when the GP's receptionist called to book a followup appointment today at 2pm.The report said my scan and mammogram are abnormal most likely 'breast neoplasm' and an immediate biopsy was recommended.
I had the 'punch' needle biopsy this afternoon. They squeezed me in straight after I saw the GP . She called the Surgeon who said the biopsy would be a good idea. The u/s lady, about my age, kept telling me - I was a 'good girl' and calling me 'Sis' ...I can laugh a little at how silly it sounded to me, but she was lovely. Kind.

I barely felt the bad ass needle - after a little local anaesthetic , adrenaline or whatever - it didn't hurt, maybe slightly uncomfortable. The punch biopsy was like a sudden unexpected jolt ...

I will see the Surgeon, Monday 8am, in Sydney. He is a great specialist ; a Professor even. His receptionist said  if , I need surgery, he has already booked me in for Wednesday next week. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified or consumed by anxiety.
We traveled a similar road barely 2 years ago.
I am not being a pessimist.

I slept maybe 2-3 hrs last night - once the worry wheels start churning and there’s no way to put the brakes on.

It is one step at a time from here.
There are miles to go... there is no way out but through.

What if I allow myself to put the outcome in God’s hands and just live intensely in the present, absorbing and embracing life as it happens? Emilie Lemmons
IF you believe in prayer or mantras, then say one hundred for me because I do believe in the power of prayer - mightily so. If not, virtual hand holding is good too.

I feel blessed to have my choice of specialist, one , whom I am very comfortable with and trust completely - he saved my husband's life. Ironically, he is the very same surgeon who operated on my husband's malignant tumour just over 2 years ago.

I decide to Google the Prof's details minutes before I saw the GP. I could not remember his surname (at that moment), just his first name and the private hospital, breast - bingo.

We will travel to Sydney on Sunday. I don't know how long we will stay.Our cat and dog are coming too.

New International Version (©1984)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

For information on how to be 'breast aware' and look for any changes in your breasts, visit the Breast Cancer Network Australia website - section on breast changes and breast awareness.

PS - I apologise if you are family or a good friend reading this before I've really had a chance to tell you, I am sorry.  It is the only way I can deal with this , all at once in this message. I just can't put the words together eloquently on the phone . I have to hold it together anyway I can.