Silver Anniversary

At 10.30 we will cross that 'threshold' metaphorically to our silver anniversary.

The years fly. I can barely remember this time 25 yrs ago.

The future was before us, a blank slate, waiting to be filled with shared dreams and adventures.A future that was filled with all the hope and promise two young twenty-somethings with the world at their feet could ever imagine.

When I think of all we have been through together, the brilliant and not so. Life has sometimes thrown us what we least expected but we survived by the grace of God..

Hard times can rock the boat , sink the love.We have certainly had our share of hard times...so the kayaks were a great gift - staying afloat through whatever came our way. We've endured many obstacles and and been through storms of infertility, loss of our daughter and both had cancer.

It's hard to believe that 25 years have gone by since we stood together and our marriage vows were first spoken...how did we get this old ?

I had the crop the ugly concrete out. The wedding album is somewhere.

 
We have survived owner building a home , living in a caravan (x 3), renovations and running our own business and working together for 19 years.We also suffered the loss of our daughter born still.

The strength to stay together in the face of these trials has truly been a gift from God; our faith has held us up tremendously.I give thanks to God.

There are no secrets I can share, no recipes for love , no magic formula for why our relationship has out lasted many others. I don’t think my hubby and I are any better at this spouse/husband/wife gig than others around us.

I can't begin to know or understand what other peoples reasons were, but I’ve no doubt they were good enough reasons. Sometimes there isn't even 'reason' enough. Not for a minute do I consider or judge couples that divorce; that didn’t try hard enough to make it work, or love each other enough, or any other 'enoughs'.

For many people divorce is not the first line of defense. It can happen sometimes when one person is least expecting it. I know that even when a marriage is suffering or plain bad , deciding to end it is painful.

Love is an act of the will, and can be expressed in various degrees. It isn't always truly, madly deeply.
I hope that we have a respite from the struggles and can pause a moment , to just reflect and recognize all that we do have and enjoy it simply for what it is, without thinking about what it is not.

I feel blessed to have found someone I can live with in relative happiness and who can say the same about me or perhaps we just put up with each other faults & all.

Really I wonder if we’ve just been lucky... meeting as we did on a blind date via the radio (pre internet).

I shouldn’t ever take for granted what I have and to always put an effort into showing my long suffering dear husband that I appreciate him. Like many others I can be difficult to live with sometimes...

9125 days

219,000 hours

hundreds of second chances !

 ♥

Thankful for Heartfelt

Today I am thankful to be welcoming in Spring though it is always a day we will never forget.

Seven years ago , we said hello and goodbye ♥ to our daughter Charlotte Rose ♥ fly free little one.

Every whisper of a breeze, every butterfly I see, a kiss of sun on my face and the scent of the roses in our garden , reminds me ... not just today but always.

As time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, love mingled with loss ♥

I am thankful for the heartfelt messages I have received. I appreciate it more than I can say. I treasure each comment made and consider it a thoughtful act of friendship. I know that as time passes people forget and it hurts.

One of my regrets is that we have so few photos of Charlotte and even us with her. At the time we didn't think or never even considered photographic memories. The Midwife did take a few photos , blurry and grainy, none the less precious.


In recent years an organisation called Heartfelt , was born, after a family experienced the loss of their own child .  

Heartfelt is the giving of photographic memories.

Heartfelt is a volunteer organisation of professional photographers from all over Australia dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths, premature and ill infants and children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Units of their local hospitals, as well as children with serious and terminal illnesses. 

 

Heartfelt is dedicated to providing this gift to families in a caring, compassionate manner.

All services are provided free of charge.

To contact a heartfelt photographer 1800 583 768

You might also care to read this story by Fi @ Lumsdaine Photography and read Kristie's letter about her recent experience with Heartfelt and her son ~Avery ~, and on her blog too , read her posts here 1 , 2 & 3

You can Like Heartfelt on Facebook.

I sincerely hope you never need the services of HEARTFELT.
I am telling you because just in case someone you know does - please tell them about HEARTFELT.

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Grateful Saturday - Good news

The good news that my husband's PET scan which checks for fast growing cells / cancer activity was clear. It was such a huge relief. Immense. He still has a way to go and more appointments down the track . I'm here for him every step of it.

Celebrating 21 years of marriage - The Good ,The Bad and The Beautiful.

For my Mum (Nanny) who came to babysit so we could go out for dinner on our anniversary, even though she had worked all day and had an early start. The boys love their Nanny so much. I love my mum and I'm so grateful for her.



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21 years ... Good, bad and beautiful

21 years ago today I walked down the aisle and promised to love honor and cherish my best friend.It is a decision I have never regretted (well 99% of time ) !! I love him beyond measure and I am so proud to be his wife.

I don't want to give any illusion that we have a perfect marriage ...some days far from it. We have had struggles & strife in our relationship.

Still , I'm grateful in a way words cannot define that my husband has stood by with me through good, bad and beautiful , in sunshine and in rain and through all mannner of storms.

I often think of all we have been through together, the brilliant and not so. Life having thrown us what we least expected but we survived by the grace of God. The last year especially.

There is so much assvice on the dress, the flowers, the ceremony, the pictures, the cake and chosing a honeymoon destination . There's not to so much on how to get back on your feet when the metephorical rug has been pulled from underneath you.

Or how your marriage can struggle to survive infertility, stillbirth , unwanted advice from 'outsiders', parenting teenagers and serious illness ... cancer for example. Sometimes you walk through blindly and hope none of the hurdles trip and overwhelm you completely .When paddling up $#!+ creek you just pray you don't fall in and/or drown ...it's hard to keep breathing sometimes too.


I still don't have the answers.


This gem was found at the bottom of the a page under a 'recipe'. I think it is worth sharing! Enjoy









...but he is very fond of Chocolate .
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Six ~ Wednesday

Time will never erase the memories of her brief life. Days turn to weeks, weeks to [six] years. I remember as if it were yesterday, the details become a little blurrier but She is not forgotten.

So what happened on Tuesday... the day after I was sent home by the OB , all hope gone , to be induced the next morning on Tuesday 31st August.
I told you it was worst night ever ... my pregnant belly was no longer a safe harbour for my baby but a coffin.
I had to find a name and that I did.
Charlotte Rose.
I went into Hospital at 8am to be induced only to be 'growled' at by the ward clerk about why I was there ...she wasn't expecting us .
"We're here to have our {dead} baby"...
"Oh the [stupid] Ob didn't tell us to go to delivery suite"{across the hall}.

What could I say 6 years on about that day I went to the hospital to have my dead baby torn from my womb by my pitiful body ?

The day I felt so despicable a mother.

The day loss opened up a chasm in me that I thought I would never climb out of ...

The day other mothers and fathers whom nature smiled upon welcomed their own babies in the next room as it should be ...

The day I couldn't set foot outside the delivery suite room but my DH had too. He had to talk to people and smile ...

The day spent talking about preparing funerals and grief as we trembled and tried to find strength in each other.

The day the OB told they would give me 'everything' so I wouldn't feel pain but he LIED ! Nothing can take away the excruciating pain of losing a child.

The day I scarcely knew what to think or feel or to expect.

Labouring to bring forth your dead baby into the world has got to be one of the sh*ttiest jobs on earth.

So here we are today ... six trips around the sun to bring us back to a Wednesday.
After 5 lots of vag.inal gel our daughter was born 19hrs later Wednesday 1st September 2004 @4.20am.
It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life.

It's not quite a happy birthday but still it's remembering her BIRTH'day.

Still I remember how robbed I felt after waiting 12 years for this precious baby.
My firstborn. As I said the tears they roll less often ...much less.
It doesn't mean I don't remember.
I wake every year on this day in the early hours.
Remembering.
I do [remember] most days but nothing profound and as melancholy as it sounds.
Today, I woke sardined in, not so cosily, comforted by the presence of my little boys, who alternately cuddle , whack me with stray limbs or press into me .
I gave thanks.

Charlotte is & was a precious gift ...some people only dream of Angels we cradled one and carry one in our hearts always.

May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have.

The boys are my happy place and their laughter is music to a mother's broken heart.
A new day has dawned, shadows are lengthening into light, the sky is starting to beam pink, a gleaming smile.
The friendly warmth of Spring is here (I hope) and new expectations of a purposeful day in our garden.
I want to clarify ... I don't write to gain sympathy but to share my feelings and perhaps comfort another walking a similar path. There are thousands (&thousands) of dead baby mothers like me. Honestly I say , there is no honour in garnering false sympathy.
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6 ... Monday

Outside my window… the sun is shining (well it was when I started this post) , it's been a crystal clear blue sky day with fluffly clouds. Six years ago ...I only remember it being cold and windy !

I am thinking... about six years ago today, exactly, Monday 30th August ,when our life was shattered to it's core.

How they told me my much longed for baby girl had no heartbeat.Though the grief is less intense , I feel it today intensely.I internalise it because I cannot express it.

The tears are below the surface ...as time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, the love & loss intermingled.

“Be both. Be sad for what might have been, be glad for what is.” @wbgookin (author of Daddy Is Tired)

I am thankful for… everything. I am so blessed ! Especially my sweet little boys ...for the friendship of good friends who got me through those tough firsts... days,weeks,years and all the other firsts.

I am remembering… the numbness ,the tears, the disbelief. I couldn't speak or see anyone that night , my poor DH had to make all the phone calls and catch me from falling in a heap, though he was struggling too.

Being up all night ...waiting for Tuesday.

I am going… to light candles tonight in ~Charlotte's~ memory and for ~Micah~ ...can you believe I checked my google reader for the first time in weeks . I was shocked and heartbroken to read that my bloggy friend Jenn's full term baby boy~Micah~ died, just before his birth to a cord accident. Her recents posts resonated loudly within my soul and I shed tears for both of us.

I am currently reading… through my google reader. (DH was away last night and I couldn't sleep). It's been quite challenging on many fronts ...last night I read too of another mum who lost her 4yr old son , he was terribly disabled from a near drowning 17 months before , still her loss is great . (I should be reading your blog soon though !) I hope there is happier news I've missed.

I am hoping…to spend some time in Charlotte's garden ~ it's been sadly neglected over winter and with all DH's treatment chewing up our time.

On my mind …selling our home and facing my fears, the anxiety of leaving behind the dreams we planted here six years ago and Charlotte's memorial garden.

Noticing that… I have a lot of packing to do as we prepare to sell our house.

Pondering … why ! Grief is such a mystery and misunderstood. I hold on to every memory because if I forget them then it will be as if she were never here and I could never imagine what my life would have been like without Charlotte ...no matter what the outcome was.Looking back I'd do it again, because every moment is cherished in my thoughts, she was loved, she is missed, and remembered...I could have missed the pain.

From the kitchen… comfort food tonight slow cooker "Beef in red wine" casserole, with steamed beans and creamy mash. (Rice for the twin with sensory issues)

Around the house… it's a mess as we've been packing with 4yr old twins underfoot who love boxes and testing them for fit or to empty just packed treasures. It's looks so bare with all our photos packed away.

I have to find my box of Charlotte's things too ...I packed them up so we could move the cupboard to paint !

One of my favorite things… right now enjoying the quiet of the moment while my boys nap ...a rarity these days.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: ... enjoying my family and giving thanks for all I have , Baking and eating to console myself !

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How to preserve a husband ...

As I sit stand at the brink of our 20th Wedding Anniversary I can't believe we made it.

Tomorrow at 10.30 we will cross that 'threshold' metaphorically. I am still dizzy at the thought. I am grateful in a way words cannot define that my husband has stood by with me. I love him beyond measure.

The years fly.I can barely remember this time 20 yrs ago.

When I think of all we have been through together, the brilliant and not so. Life has sometimes thrown us what we least expected but we survived by the grace of God.

I am not sure it has been all I dreamed it would be , all those years ago, but honestly it's been amazing ... one long rollercoaster ride and he still leaves me breathless.

This gem was found at the bottom of the a page under a 'recipe'. I think it is worth sharing! Enjoy

I ♥ Post it Tuesday's

Anniversary Tickers


♥

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Music to my heart

Yesterday marked another day I wish I never had to see , the 5th anniversary of the birth of our stillborn baby ~Charlotte~. I don't write to gain sympathy but to share my feelings and perhaps comfort another walking a similar path.

Unfortunately, as much as I love connecting with others online it can consume our lives if we permit it. Though maybe it isn't such a bad thing on some days.

Yes... sometimes it seems these faceless (well some I have had the privilege of meeting) friends are the ones who communicate more.

I received so many messages on Facebook yesterday and it truly meant more to me than I can say. Simple, beyond measure, words of compassion for my hurting heart. Three family members sent messages too.

I found this ...status shuffle on 'Facebook'

Good friends are those who care without hesitation, who remember without limitation and who love even without communication

I know I do a lot of communicating and connecting online, through email , blog reading and commenting, and lately more Twitter'ing and less of Facebook'ing. I do have real life friends but it seems we are all so busy.

The real life touch is slipping away as we reach for the hand of friendship via a keyboard. My Dh doesn't understand the lure of the laptop and daily web surfing to see what is happening with my dear friends.

I just wanted to say I treasure each comment made and consider it a thoughtful act of friendship -you are all beautiful ;). Your genuine kindness has been much appreciated. Thank you especially for the gentle strength you shared with me.

As it was my DH & I shared a quiet, happy day with our 3yr old sons yesterday, a few hours at a little city beach. It wasn't so much sadness rather enjoying a happy place.

Charlotte was a precious gift ...some people only dream of Angels we cradled one and carry one in our hearts always.

May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have.

These boys are my happy place and their laughter is music to a mother's broken heart.
♥

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For Dad

Today is the day we used to celebrate my Dad's birthday.
I heard this song today on the radio ...it made me cry and think of him (more than usual). Dad died 3 1/2 yrs ago at 63. Almost a year after Charlotte. His funeral was the day after her first birthday/anniversary.
Over Easter when my young sons were hanging out with 'Jampa' (My Father in law). I was feeling really sad that my Dad never got to meet S & J or even know I was pregnant. A miracle in itself.
Sad beyond words that S & J will never feel the great bear hugs he gave, often, to everyone. He was a generous man my Dad . They will never know what a wonderful man he was in real life.
I miss him.
Happy Birthday in heaven Dad.
I wish ...



♥

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