Silver Anniversary

At 10.30 we will cross that 'threshold' metaphorically to our silver anniversary.

The years fly. I can barely remember this time 25 yrs ago.

The future was before us, a blank slate, waiting to be filled with shared dreams and adventures.A future that was filled with all the hope and promise two young twenty-somethings with the world at their feet could ever imagine.

When I think of all we have been through together, the brilliant and not so. Life has sometimes thrown us what we least expected but we survived by the grace of God..

Hard times can rock the boat , sink the love.We have certainly had our share of hard times...so the kayaks were a great gift - staying afloat through whatever came our way. We've endured many obstacles and and been through storms of infertility, loss of our daughter and both had cancer.

It's hard to believe that 25 years have gone by since we stood together and our marriage vows were first spoken...how did we get this old ?

I had the crop the ugly concrete out. The wedding album is somewhere.

 
We have survived owner building a home , living in a caravan (x 3), renovations and running our own business and working together for 19 years.We also suffered the loss of our daughter born still.

The strength to stay together in the face of these trials has truly been a gift from God; our faith has held us up tremendously.I give thanks to God.

There are no secrets I can share, no recipes for love , no magic formula for why our relationship has out lasted many others. I don’t think my hubby and I are any better at this spouse/husband/wife gig than others around us.

I can't begin to know or understand what other peoples reasons were, but I’ve no doubt they were good enough reasons. Sometimes there isn't even 'reason' enough. Not for a minute do I consider or judge couples that divorce; that didn’t try hard enough to make it work, or love each other enough, or any other 'enoughs'.

For many people divorce is not the first line of defense. It can happen sometimes when one person is least expecting it. I know that even when a marriage is suffering or plain bad , deciding to end it is painful.

Love is an act of the will, and can be expressed in various degrees. It isn't always truly, madly deeply.
I hope that we have a respite from the struggles and can pause a moment , to just reflect and recognize all that we do have and enjoy it simply for what it is, without thinking about what it is not.

I feel blessed to have found someone I can live with in relative happiness and who can say the same about me or perhaps we just put up with each other faults & all.

Really I wonder if we’ve just been lucky... meeting as we did on a blind date via the radio (pre internet).

I shouldn’t ever take for granted what I have and to always put an effort into showing my long suffering dear husband that I appreciate him. Like many others I can be difficult to live with sometimes...

9125 days

219,000 hours

hundreds of second chances !

 ♥

How to turn old Weber BBQ into a Herb Garden ~ season to taste !

A while back our herb 'garden' bit the dust - a combination of heat, lack of water, cows and woeful neglect since it was on the other side of the fence and couldn't be bothered to tell the truth.

I'd though about re-purposing an old sink or bathtub into a herb garden but life was busy.

Then last week as I was driving home from town I spotted an old Weber BBQ someone had placed out for council collection.

I coveted it and encouraged hubby to go and collect it (amongst a few other things at other stops).
It was in very good condition and clean.

I wonder how much use it had as iconic Australian BBQ experience !

Then he had a brilliant idea...Fill the Weber with soil and plant some of my favorite herbs to keep next to our barbecue...especially to grow some rosemary to season his lamb roast -

I googled for ideas - thanks to Life on the Balcony

This was a really easy project that you can complete in less than 30 minutes (including shopping time). Here is what you’ll need to get started :

Materials

• 1 bag (or 2) of good quality herb potting soil (we needed 1 medium [and 2 small] ...luckily we had spare bags lying unopened in the shed because I didn't calculate for the depth)
• 5-6 herb plants, depending on the size of the BBQ and how full you like your garden.
• 1 re-purposed portable round BBQ.
•  coffee filters (or I used ag pipe sock filter).

I didn't need the BBQ grate or the lid but I'll keep them anyway ! I can probably use the lid on my roast outdoors.

I also planted Mint in an old teapot (I think we found on the property and I like rustic things).

Directions

First clean your BBQ (or not) then place the ag /coffee filter over of the holes in the bottom of the BBQ . We also turned the grate thingy to make holes smaller.

The filter allows water to drain out but prevents the soil from falling through.

Fill your BBQ with soil , pinch out the seedlings or plants and pot them, as evenly or randomly as you please. I tamped down the potting soil gently around the plants , watered them in and was good to go...surf the internet for recipes.

Rosemary: Pair with lamb, chicken, and roast potatoes or in bread.
Oregano : Matches well with: beans, chicken, eggplant, fish, lamb, mushrooms, pasta, pizza, pork, potatoes,  tomatoes, veal, zucchini

Parsley: with mashed potatoes, pastas, salads, meatballs and as a garnish
Thyme: Try it with soups, chowders, marinades and meat dishes.
Corainder: Match as coriander pesto, carrot and coriander soup, chutney and chicken or in Thai soups.

Two I forgot ... 
Basil:  with salads, as pizza toppings, tomatoes, chicken dishes, spaghetti bolognaise or pesto.
Chives: in dips, atop baked and mashed potatoes, as a soup /salad garnish.

I just can't believe I forgot the Basil. I picked up a six cell herb pack and I didn't even think to look for Basil my favourite herb.

Grape tomatoes were planted in the middle ...just because.

Mint: mmm with peas, pies , mashed potatoes, mint jelly for roast lamb or cutlets ... Mint tea anyone.

Herbs need on average 6+ hours of sunlight a day,  regular watering (depending on the pot) and with well drained soil.
If you are placing it on a deck (like I will eventually) you may need a drip tray to catch any excess water .

Now, I'm on the lookout for another herb garden container and then I'll start to experiment with other herb and flavour combinations.

In other news - What's on my mind ?

It has been eight years, today, since my Dad left us and 4 weeks since my hub said a final goodbye to his Dad too.
Today, I am thinking Happy memories of our very special fathers who shaped our lives.
We are getting ready to plant trees in their memory ~ Father's Day Sunday and also 9yrs since we lost our tiny angel ~Charlotte~ . It's a big week .

By the way - it is Recycling or Up-cycling ?
What is the difference?
♥

My Life in 250 Words ...{oh well more or less}

Born and raised in Sydney, nothing really big or important ever happened in my childhood...though does waving to Queen Elizabeth , as she was chauffeured by in her car, count ?
Living in the same home for 15yrs, a happy suburban neighbourhood (sadly a very different one today), we built cubby houses, climbed trees, played backyard cricket and football with the neighbourhood 'tribe'.

The eldest of 3 - a brother & sister, my parents were happily married till my father passed away 8 yrs ago. I consider myself very fortunate to have been so loved and encouraged to chase my dreams. I went to 'college', graduating with a Diploma (degree) in Nursing - achieving a High Distinction.

I've never traveled overseas - the most extraordinary thing I’ve  done is at 22yrs I rode a bicycle from Melbourne to Sydney celebrating the bicentenary (1988). I met my husband on a bizarre blind date in 1988 ...a month or so before that 1100km bike ride.

I’m mother to 4 children, blessed with three sons- 1 adopted and IVF twins - rambunctious and loving boys and a daughter , stillborn in 2004. My children give me an excuse for bizarre & eccentric behaviour.

In 2012 we made a lifestyle / tree-change to 1000acres property in Central West NSW.  Diagnosed with breast cancer 11 months ago - after a mastectomy and 16 cycles of chemotherapy , I’m finally half way through the 17 cycles of IV Herceptin.

Each morning I wake determined to enjoy the day – wasting a lot of time on the Internet. I still worry immensely about my future but I focus on enjoying the journey right now as path unfolds before me - step by step and moment by moment.

A Fresh New Challenge…



 ♥

The candle ~ Wave of light

Charlotte was cradled in my womb for six months, briefly in our arms and forever in our hearts. Here is her name in the sand ...I've come to WA to see this beach.

It is estimated 1 out every 4 Australian women has lost a baby at some stage; most of us know someone who has.

15th October seeks to honour these babies in a collaborative wave of light. As today is recognised as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  

I am quietly grateful for all the candles, though I rather there were less ...it means we are not alone ! 
I am grateful for remembrance !

Light a candle at 7pm for one hour to create a worldwide wave of light for 24hrs. 
Across the globe in all time zones - candles will burn brightly in memory of babies too precious for this earth.

" There is no greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child.Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside of the womb for a short period of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized.” Clair Baca

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

If you have lost a baby (or grand-baby or sibling) you are not alone. My heart goes out to anyone reading this today who has said goodbye to a precious baby all too soon.  

It is my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

I am sorry for your loss. I know words cannot ease your pain nothing ever will but tonight at 7pm I will light a candle in memory of our babies. Please pass the message along , join in where ever you are.

A quiet moment for lighting a candle in memory of your baby . . .

"Dear baby of mine, please see this light as a symbol of our never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of our love for you, in celebration of the life we shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. We feel your spirit with us even now, gently guiding and strengthening us. With this light we will remember the true gifts of the season: memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. We will forever feel your presence and love you always."

PILARI are asking people to sign their petition to have it fully recognised in Australia.

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How to help when a Baby dies ?

Firstly, I personally don’t know anyone who is entirely comfortable talking to the bereaved after the death of a loved one.Let alone, when it is a family or friend's precious baby who has passed away before birth , during birth or soon after.

I know ... losing a baby at any time is one of the most devastating experiences that any family can experience. Whether 12 weeks , 26weeks or a full-term baby, it's beyond tragic .

I know we had already prepared a lifelong place for ~Charlotte~  in our family before we met her. All parents have hopes and dreams for their baby and beyond.

There are no easy answers when a baby dies and your whole world is shattered.

As family or a caring friend, you might ask

"What do I say?"

"What can I do?"

The grief journey is very painful one for a baby’s parents. Nothing prepares parents for the separation from their baby.

I know we travel to a place not on any map and we don't know when we will arrive or leave. It's a place we have never been to (hopefully) and everyone has a different experience. 

Bereaved parents will need the support of their loved ones now more than ever before but seldom will they ask... for anything

So how can you help? here are a few things you might to consider from my personal experience.

1. Use the Baby's name if named ...do not keep saying " The Baby   ". You can help bereaved parents by listening to them to talk about their loss, if they want and you feel able to listen. Ask them gently if they want to talk about {insert Baby's name}.Don’t try to protect them from their grief – help them face it and if you need to cry, do it. If they cry, silence is ok while they cry ; put a hand on them gently, hug them (if appropriate), pass the tissues, or if you feel too uncomfortable say "I'll put the kettle on to let you have a few minutes (?)." Respect their rights to express whatever they feel or think - regardless of how strange it may seem to you if they seem angry or calm or whatever.
2. Bring them a meal *or simple groceries to cook (they may be too distracted to cook ).Offer to help with their house cleaning or offer to mind or occupy their other children , it will be appreciated even if they say   "NO thank you  ". Even offering to read their surviving child a story or play with them in their own home while they rest or take care of the cleaning *.
3.  Phone, visit or send a card : if you don't know what to say a simple message, We love you and we are thinking of  you and baby {insert name if known} today. Especially remember the DUE DATE if the baby died in utero or was born alive early (before the due date). Even an email is some comfort especially if you don't know them too well, for example online or a co worker and don't have a physical address. (There is always Google to help with kindly worded sentiments)
4. A gift is not necessary; some like to give flowers or a plant: nurturing a living thing can be very comforting for grieving. We were given roses for a memorial garden. A trinket , figurine, ornament or piece of jewelry etc may be chosen by family or a close friend especially, if it is something they know symbolises the baby ~ a Butterfly , an Angel or anything really.
5. A sense of normalcy is very therapeutic for healing.It's okay to laugh and tell talk about other things, even your own children and theirs. We know life goes on, it just that ours has changed forever.
6. If someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and is past the intense grief stage of their own loss, ask them if you can give their phone number or email to the newly bereaved parents. A note in a card is okay. Talking to someone who has been through a similar loss , not necessarily a professional counsellor ,can help to take the isolation out of grief and spare a spouse for a while. (Hospitals usually give plenty of bereavement literature to parents or there is so much available online now)

What not to say ?

1. When a baby is lost families [and others] often have a desperate need to know why their baby died but now is not the time to ask...what happened .They probably won't know themselves.You can ask What did {baby's name} weigh and how long was {baby's name}?" etc
2. Don't encourage them to be strong ...or say how well they are coping or ... "Don't be sad. Don't cry  " -    "It will be ok   " -   " It's for the best  "  (e.g.when you know it is genetic) 
3.  Appreciate that they miss this baby, who can never be replaced by another child. If a twin is lost never say 'At least you still have one baby'.
4. Understand they may not want to know who is newly pregnant or newly delivered in your social circle. It's difficult if you were part of an anti-natal parents group ...be sensitive when sharing such news in the early days.
5. Don't compare their loss to losing your pet or say this happened to someone you know and it was caused by ..... because they did .....
6. Remember, too that most people don't say too many insensitive or wrong things [common sense aside]. Above all you are caring enough to talk to them ! Ignoring their loss is far more insensitive.Your friend or loved one is very lucky to have you in their life.

This week I have read several stories about infant and pregnancy loss. It always breaks my heart. I am writing this in response, to maybe help someone help.I hope it makes sense.

I really don't mind being reminded at how fragile life is .Today my heart goes out to anyone reading this who has said goodbye to their precious baby, all too soon .

Kristie said a final goodbye to Avery yesterday ... her son, Avery a beautiful boy born sleeping a week ago.

"Dear Avery, please see this light as a symbol of the

 never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of the love for you, in celebration of the life you shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. 

May they feel your spirit with them even now, gently guiding and strengthening them. With this light they will remember your true gifts : memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. May they forever feel your presence and love you always."

Hope is like the sun,which, as we journey toward it ,casts the shadow of burden behind us.

It's my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

There is so much more I could write including about 'including siblings'...another day .
Edited to add a link to Martine @ The Modern Parent's posts on Grief : Helping Children Grieve

Please note *Gifts of meals ~ can in itself be overwhelming if they get too many meals all at once and no way to store them all... check if anyone can be responsible to organize a list of friends to alternate duties such as meals and visits to help.
 

(In our church they did this for one family via an organised roster initially while the baby was having surgery for her heart and then after she passed away)
Please share your own experiences and any other advice that helped you or your family or friends.

Linking up with Shae about Things I know ...but sincerely wish I didn't today.

Edited to add this further to precious Avery's story and HeartFelt
 ♥ Never miss a post

Things I know

Lifted this from Whoa Mummy

I know that with the explosion of bloggers , who subsequently join twitter, start Face book fan pages and even Instagram and Pin interest [I am still going to join pin interest - just been a bit busy I tell you] 'there' is only so far we can spread ourselves and still be a good enough mum and wife. I know I have been very slack at both lately.

I know it's getting harder to connect more personally with all the lovely blogging ladies in the community due to TIME.

I know I dreadfully miss some good friends who rarely email me anymore. I  know they are just busy or at least I hope it's not me. I get it. I am busy too I know. Sorry to anyone I haven't emailed and should !

I know that some new followers don't know much about me...

Just this week someone said they didn't know my twin boys were IVF miracles babies.

Someone else this week didn't know my just turned 18yr son was adopted - @13 months old actually. He wasn't the first baby his birth mother had relinguished for adoption or to permanent custody of birth fathers/partners. I know one day if they ever have a family reunion it will be HUGE -just sayin'. 

Someone else didn't know I lost my firstborn baby, Charlotte , almost 7 years ago. After 12 yrs infertility she was our naturally conceived miracle. I was 6 months pregnant when our world shattered. There was no reason found for her 'demise'. Red Nose day always makes me feel tremendous sadness for all families remembering their little angels.

Someone else recently didn't know my husband was diagnosed with cancer (just over 12 months ago).  It was a rare malignant tumour in the temporal muscle on right side of his head. So far so good after surgery to remove the tumour ; he had 6 weeks radiation therapy -12 months ago now. He still has frequent headaches and dizziness so his oncologist referred him to a  neurologist. I know we live with both hope and fear always. Every time he feels unwell hideous thoughts flood my head and heart.  

So you know what I mean when I say the best news I've read this week was that Dave's @ Eden's hubby cancer hasn't come back. Eden is an amazing writer go read their story and celebrate.

Now is there anything else you want to know about me ?  

I am happy to answer questions in a new blog post (one day) !

What do you know this week ?
I know Shae wants to crack 20 links this week - surely we all know something ! I am #14
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Only 35 weeks - the day our family grew by 4 feet

November is Prematurity Awareness month and this week is National Premmie Week...

Today I pause to remember and thank the teams of Dr's & neonatal nurses who brought my babies safely into this world and who everyday bring hundreds of babies through their prematurity and safely home.

My little boys are the miracles that make my life complete.

Oh baby, baby, made their grand entrance into this wonderful world exactly a month early at just over 35 weeks. You can read their story here.

The reason for their premature birth is because I had Obstetic cholestasis ...the long & short of it is intense itchiness and increased risk of still birth.

I didn't have to be asked 'twice' if I wanted to see my boys early when I was diagnosed late at night on 30th June 2006. The babies were ok but I didn't sleep a wink worried ...

They had to organise two neonatal teams for twins and it was Friday around @ 11pm . The Dr's said Saturday morning would do for my emergency c-section.

So we held our breath and waited.

Then they had other more emergency ones that morning.

Twelve hours later at 12.51pm & 12.52 pm on July 1st our family had grown by 4 feet ...

Twenty fingers, twenty toes,
two sweet babies with cheeks of rose.
Born on the same day, two gifts from above,
lives entwined, two babies to love.
- Unknown

They were strong and perfect @ 2.8kg & 2.1kg . Fortunately apart from needing oxygen & suctioning at birth, and nasogastric tubes for feeding they were well premmies. They spent 4 days in NICU. Not really long as far as some premmies go.


Then they were transferred to the special care nursery of our local hospital for 2 more weeks. I thought I'd never get to take them home due to feeding issues. We did @ 19 days.

Read more here , here, here, here and at Bloggers Unite for more stories about prem babies.

In Australia over 21,000 babies are admitted to Neonatal nurseries each year; more than 6000 require neonatal intensive care. Some babies journey's in NICU & SCN last days, some last months. Some don't come home at all.

---

I also remember the precious angels of some special friends who said goodbye too soon to their premature babies I met many when I lost Charlotte @26wks to still birth...not premmie because she didn't take a breath.

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Wave of Light ...

Today is a special day

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance.

Light a candle at 7pm for one hour to create a worldwide wave of light for 24hrs.
These candles burn brightly in memory of babies too precious for this earth.

Charlotte, Our tiny rose lent not given, to bud on Earth and bloom in Heaven.

She was cradled in my womb for six months, briefly in our arms and forever in our hearts.
Sleep sweet baby of ours in the Father's arms...till we hold you again.

Yesterday I wrote about my greatest loss being my greatest gain ...my rainbow babies. After they arrived the magnitude of losing ~Charlotte~ hit harder than ever before. Knowing what I'd missed and would forever long for ...

Today I feel mixed emotions, guilt, love, sadness and joy....sadness my boys will never know a big sister and my husband & I raise a daughter.

Today my heart goes out to anyone reading this today who has said goodbye to their precious baby all too soon . Those stumbling along the path of grief after losing a precious baby(ies) or child.

I am sorry for your loss. I know words cannot ease your pain nothing ever will but tonight at 7pm I will light a candle in memory of our babies. Please pass the message along.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."- Anonymous ...

A quiet moment for lighting a candle in memory of your baby . . .

"Dear baby of mine, please see this light as a symbol of our never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of our love for you, in celebration of the life we shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. We feel your spirit with us even now, gently guiding and strengthening us. With this light we will remember the true gifts of the season: memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. We will forever feel your presence and love you always."

Hope is like the sun,which, as we journey toward it ,casts the shadow of burden behind us.

It is my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

Please click below to add your story so we can support each other in remembering. The post doesn't have to be about today, please share any post telling your story (hugs) or memories.

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Rainbow babies

Over the years I have discovered in some circles babies born after the loss of baby (during pregnancy, at birth or shortly after) are called Rainbow babies.


I found this somewhere (twice) ...

Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

• Christians believe that God sent a rainbow to prove there would be no more floods after Noah.

• Some Aboriginal tribes celebrate the Rainbow Serpent as the creator of the all being and the rainbow a sign of fertility.

A rainbow baby or babies signify a promise - promise for parents, promise for the future, and promise for the world. Unfortunately , there will always be the pain of loss, but mostly there will also always be joy that follows it, just like the rainbow after the rain.

I honestly felt completely devastated, especially despairing that I would never see our rainbow baby considering our 14 years of infertility. It was my baby loss friends who taught me to hope again and encouraged me to try IVF.

Sometimes the rainbow appears soon after the storm , though sometimes we have to wait a while to see it. In our case it was after a 22 month long , rough storm.

When our twins arrived (a month early by emergency C/S) we were so looking forward to seeing our rainbow babies and hearing those first cries.

All over the world we see the same rainbows, the colours lengthen into the light, stretching as the sky beams a gleaming multicoloured arc of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.

While I miss ~Charlotte~ immensely , I have to believe my greatest loss was also my greatest gain in many other ways. Not withstanding the dear friendships I have made , most significantly her two little brothers.

I cannot fathom life without them. Like in the dark, terrible, saddest days after we said goodbye to Charlotte I couldn't imagine life without her.

In the last few weeks I've read of many families joining the babyloss club. It's heartbreaking.
I was reminded yesterday of a great book I read after lossing Charlotte.

Always a part of me: Surviving Childbearing Loss
Author: Amanda Collinge, Sue Daniel, Heather Grace Jones
Publisher: ABC Books

It contains a collection of stories written by both mothers and fathers on surviving the loss of a baby.

My rainbow boys are my happy place and their laughter is music to a mother's broken heart.

I wrote this as part of October International Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month , Oct 15th is Internationalworld wide day of remembrance.

PS : The term rainbow babies has other meanings too.
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Six ~ Wednesday

Time will never erase the memories of her brief life. Days turn to weeks, weeks to [six] years. I remember as if it were yesterday, the details become a little blurrier but She is not forgotten.

So what happened on Tuesday... the day after I was sent home by the OB , all hope gone , to be induced the next morning on Tuesday 31st August.
I told you it was worst night ever ... my pregnant belly was no longer a safe harbour for my baby but a coffin.
I had to find a name and that I did.
Charlotte Rose.
I went into Hospital at 8am to be induced only to be 'growled' at by the ward clerk about why I was there ...she wasn't expecting us .
"We're here to have our {dead} baby"...
"Oh the [stupid] Ob didn't tell us to go to delivery suite"{across the hall}.

What could I say 6 years on about that day I went to the hospital to have my dead baby torn from my womb by my pitiful body ?

The day I felt so despicable a mother.

The day loss opened up a chasm in me that I thought I would never climb out of ...

The day other mothers and fathers whom nature smiled upon welcomed their own babies in the next room as it should be ...

The day I couldn't set foot outside the delivery suite room but my DH had too. He had to talk to people and smile ...

The day spent talking about preparing funerals and grief as we trembled and tried to find strength in each other.

The day the OB told they would give me 'everything' so I wouldn't feel pain but he LIED ! Nothing can take away the excruciating pain of losing a child.

The day I scarcely knew what to think or feel or to expect.

Labouring to bring forth your dead baby into the world has got to be one of the sh*ttiest jobs on earth.

So here we are today ... six trips around the sun to bring us back to a Wednesday.
After 5 lots of vag.inal gel our daughter was born 19hrs later Wednesday 1st September 2004 @4.20am.
It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life.

It's not quite a happy birthday but still it's remembering her BIRTH'day.

Still I remember how robbed I felt after waiting 12 years for this precious baby.
My firstborn. As I said the tears they roll less often ...much less.
It doesn't mean I don't remember.
I wake every year on this day in the early hours.
Remembering.
I do [remember] most days but nothing profound and as melancholy as it sounds.
Today, I woke sardined in, not so cosily, comforted by the presence of my little boys, who alternately cuddle , whack me with stray limbs or press into me .
I gave thanks.

Charlotte is & was a precious gift ...some people only dream of Angels we cradled one and carry one in our hearts always.

May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have.

The boys are my happy place and their laughter is music to a mother's broken heart.
A new day has dawned, shadows are lengthening into light, the sky is starting to beam pink, a gleaming smile.
The friendly warmth of Spring is here (I hope) and new expectations of a purposeful day in our garden.
I want to clarify ... I don't write to gain sympathy but to share my feelings and perhaps comfort another walking a similar path. There are thousands (&thousands) of dead baby mothers like me. Honestly I say , there is no honour in garnering false sympathy.
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6 ... Monday

Outside my window… the sun is shining (well it was when I started this post) , it's been a crystal clear blue sky day with fluffly clouds. Six years ago ...I only remember it being cold and windy !

I am thinking... about six years ago today, exactly, Monday 30th August ,when our life was shattered to it's core.

How they told me my much longed for baby girl had no heartbeat.Though the grief is less intense , I feel it today intensely.I internalise it because I cannot express it.

The tears are below the surface ...as time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, the love & loss intermingled.

“Be both. Be sad for what might have been, be glad for what is.” @wbgookin (author of Daddy Is Tired)

I am thankful for… everything. I am so blessed ! Especially my sweet little boys ...for the friendship of good friends who got me through those tough firsts... days,weeks,years and all the other firsts.

I am remembering… the numbness ,the tears, the disbelief. I couldn't speak or see anyone that night , my poor DH had to make all the phone calls and catch me from falling in a heap, though he was struggling too.

Being up all night ...waiting for Tuesday.

I am going… to light candles tonight in ~Charlotte's~ memory and for ~Micah~ ...can you believe I checked my google reader for the first time in weeks . I was shocked and heartbroken to read that my bloggy friend Jenn's full term baby boy~Micah~ died, just before his birth to a cord accident. Her recents posts resonated loudly within my soul and I shed tears for both of us.

I am currently reading… through my google reader. (DH was away last night and I couldn't sleep). It's been quite challenging on many fronts ...last night I read too of another mum who lost her 4yr old son , he was terribly disabled from a near drowning 17 months before , still her loss is great . (I should be reading your blog soon though !) I hope there is happier news I've missed.

I am hoping…to spend some time in Charlotte's garden ~ it's been sadly neglected over winter and with all DH's treatment chewing up our time.

On my mind …selling our home and facing my fears, the anxiety of leaving behind the dreams we planted here six years ago and Charlotte's memorial garden.

Noticing that… I have a lot of packing to do as we prepare to sell our house.

Pondering … why ! Grief is such a mystery and misunderstood. I hold on to every memory because if I forget them then it will be as if she were never here and I could never imagine what my life would have been like without Charlotte ...no matter what the outcome was.Looking back I'd do it again, because every moment is cherished in my thoughts, she was loved, she is missed, and remembered...I could have missed the pain.

From the kitchen… comfort food tonight slow cooker "Beef in red wine" casserole, with steamed beans and creamy mash. (Rice for the twin with sensory issues)

Around the house… it's a mess as we've been packing with 4yr old twins underfoot who love boxes and testing them for fit or to empty just packed treasures. It's looks so bare with all our photos packed away.

I have to find my box of Charlotte's things too ...I packed them up so we could move the cupboard to paint !

One of my favorite things… right now enjoying the quiet of the moment while my boys nap ...a rarity these days.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: ... enjoying my family and giving thanks for all I have , Baking and eating to console myself !

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