Friday, 22 July 2011

How to help when a Baby dies ?

Firstly, I personally don’t know anyone who is entirely comfortable talking to the bereaved after the death of a loved one.Let alone, when it is a family or friend's precious baby who has passed away before birth , during birth or soon after.

I know ... losing a baby at any time is one of the most devastating experiences that any family can experience. Whether 12 weeks , 26weeks or a full-term baby, it's beyond tragic .

I know we had already prepared a lifelong place for ~Charlotte~  in our family before we met her. All parents have hopes and dreams for their baby and beyond.

There are no easy answers when a baby dies and your whole world is shattered.

As family or a caring friend, you might ask

"What do I say?"
"What can I do?"

The grief journey is very painful one for a baby’s parents. Nothing prepares parents for the separation from their baby.

I know we travel to a place not on any map and we don't know when we will arrive or leave. It's a place we have never been to (hopefully) and everyone has a different experience. 

Bereaved parents will need the support of their loved ones now more than ever before but seldom will they ask... for anything

So how can you help? here are a few things you might to consider from my personal experience.
  1. Use the Baby's name if named ...do not keep saying " The Baby   ". You can help bereaved parents by listening to them to talk about their loss, if they want and you feel able to listen. Ask them gently if they want to talk about {insert Baby's name}.Don’t try to protect them from their grief – help them face it and if you need to cry, do it. If they cry, silence is ok while they cry ; put a hand on them gently, hug them (if appropriate), pass the tissues, or if you feel too uncomfortable say "I'll put the kettle on to let you have a few minutes (?)." Respect their rights to express whatever they feel or think - regardless of how strange it may seem to you if they seem angry or calm or whatever.
  2. Bring them a meal *or simple groceries to cook (they may be too distracted to cook ).Offer to help with their house cleaning or offer to mind or occupy their other children , it will be appreciated even if they say   "NO thank you  ". Even offering to read their surviving child a story or play with them in their own home while they rest or take care of the cleaning *.
  3.  Phone, visit or send a card : if you don't know what to say a simple message, We love you and we are thinking of  you and baby {insert name if known} today. Especially remember the DUE DATE if the baby died in utero or was born alive early (before the due date). Even an email is some comfort especially if you don't know them too well, for example online or a co worker and don't have a physical address. (There is always Google to help with kindly worded sentiments)
  4. A gift is not necessary; some like to give flowers or a plant: nurturing a living thing can be very comforting for grieving. We were given roses for a memorial garden. A trinket , figurine, ornament or piece of jewelry etc may be chosen by family or a close friend especially, if it is something they know symbolises the baby ~ a Butterfly , an Angel or anything really.
  5. A sense of normalcy is very therapeutic for healing.It's okay to laugh and tell talk about other things, even your own children and theirs. We know life goes on, it just that ours has changed forever.
  6. If someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss and is past the intense grief stage of their own loss, ask them if you can give their phone number or email to the newly bereaved parents. A note in a card is okay. Talking to someone who has been through a similar loss , not necessarily a professional counsellor ,can help to take the isolation out of grief and spare a spouse for a while. (Hospitals usually give plenty of bereavement literature to parents or there is so much available online now)
What not to say ?
  1. When a baby is lost families [and others] often have a desperate need to know why their baby died but now is not the time to ask...what happened .They probably won't know themselves.You can ask What did {baby's name} weigh and how long was {baby's name}?" etc
  2. Don't encourage them to be strong ...or say how well they are coping or ... "Don't be sad. Don't cry  " -    "It will be ok   " -   " It's for the best  "  (e.g.when you know it is genetic) 
  3.  Appreciate that they miss this baby, who can never be replaced by another child. If a twin is lost never say 'At least you still have one baby'.
  4. Understand they may not want to know who is newly pregnant or newly delivered in your social circle. It's difficult if you were part of an anti-natal parents group ...be sensitive when sharing such news in the early days.
  5. Don't compare their loss to losing your pet or say this happened to someone you know and it was caused by ..... because they did .....
  6. Remember, too that most people don't say too many insensitive or wrong things [common sense aside]. Above all you are caring enough to talk to them ! Ignoring their loss is far more insensitive.Your friend or loved one is very lucky to have you in their life.
This week I have read several stories about infant and pregnancy loss. It always breaks my heart. I am writing this in response, to maybe help someone help.I hope it makes sense.

I really don't mind being reminded at how fragile life is .Today my heart goes out to anyone reading this who has said goodbye to their precious baby, all too soon .

Kristie said a final goodbye to Avery yesterday ... her son, Avery a beautiful boy born sleeping a week ago.

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"Dear Avery, please see this light as a symbol of the
 never-ending love for you. Please understand that this love knows no limits or bounds; it conquers even the hold of death. Let this light shine in memory of the love for you, in celebration of the life you shared together, however brief, and in the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. 
May they feel your spirit with them even now, gently guiding and strengthening them. With this light they will remember your true gifts : memories of joys past, hope for present peace and love to last a lifetime. May they forever feel your presence and love you always."

Hope is like the sun,which, as we journey toward it ,casts the shadow of burden behind us.


It's my sincere wish that those touched by the loss of a baby are well supported, able to process their loss and hopeful for the future...(not my words but heartfelt wish)

There is so much more I could write including about 'including siblings'...another day .
Edited to add a link to Martine @ The Modern Parent's posts on Grief : Helping Children Grieve

Please note *Gifts of meals ~ can in itself be overwhelming if they get too many meals all at once and no way to store them all... check if anyone can be responsible to organize a list of friends to alternate duties such as meals and visits to help.
 

(In our church they did this for one family via an organised roster initially while the baby was having surgery for her heart and then after she passed away)
Please share your own experiences and any other advice that helped you or your family or friends.

Linking up with Shae about Things I know ...but sincerely wish I didn't today.

Edited to add this further to precious Avery's story and HeartFelt
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Comments (41)

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Beautiful, excellent and well worded post. I could add nothing else of value, you have hit the nail succinctly on the head.

So sorry to hear of another beautiful baby's passing, and for the sorrow it reminds you of when you lost your Charlotte.

xox
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
this is beautiful and brigns tears all at once. In my family there has been too much loss of babies. I have lost a little girl cousin, Paige at 19 weeks and a brother, Adam at 10 months.
I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that taken away from me. I know how horrible it feels having missed out on having a little brother, let alone a son.
I remember my aunty saying to me "Everyone is avoiding me because they don't know what to say, but I just want someone to say her name."

We got her a present - there is a lady who takes photos of the sunrise and the sunset every day. We got the sunrise and sunset photos of the day she was born. Personal anbd thoughtful, but not too confronting if the parents aren't ready to explain the meaning behind the photos.

Hugs to you and everyone else who has lost a child. And thank you for having the courage to write this.

from fybf x
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom Trish xoxo
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
Thank you for sharing this, Trish. Very thoughtful.
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
Really good Trish - this is so good for those who aren't sure how to help when someone loses a baby. So clearly framed with your own experience of this too. I wish people were not so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they avoid those who are grieving or feel the need to offer trite condolences ("It's meant to be" is my pet hate). Sometimes you don't have to say anything in order to provide the right kind of support. Just listen, acknowledge and care. Thanks for the thoughtful post. XX
Such a helpful post.

We heard so many odd things when my nephew died. When one person asked a friend to pass on a message to me that was

"sorry I can't call, it is just too hard for me" I knew that person was not the kind I wanted in my life. Have never spoken to them again.
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
just beautiful Trish and very helpful. I appreciate your words and advice. hugs.xx
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Thanks for sharing these helpful tips.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Such a beautiful post Trish. Thankyou...
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
Thanks Trish. Everything you say is so true. I am so sorry that beautiful beings like Avery, Charlotte, Bubba and so many others are lost to this world.
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
Beautifully written Trish. We were lucky to have so much support from amazing friends and family following the death of our nearly 5 month old daughter. What you have outlined is great advice as it is never an easy situation. I remember lying on my bed the day we came home from the hospital with my 2 best friends just lying next to me, they didn't try to say anything or make sense of my world turned upside down. We did have one of the nurses say to me on the morning we were told she probably wouldn't make it " at least you have 3 boys to go home to". No not very helpful but I wasn't in any state to respond! And now, 3 years later I do appreciate when people refer to her and include her as one of my children.
1 reply · active 715 weeks ago
This post has brought me to tears. I know several people who have lost their babies and it is always hard to know how to truly support them.Thank you for this post, I hope it does help enlighten people to better support and communicate with those in times of grief.
Beautiful post, and wise advice. I lost my little girl at 21 weeks, and would have loved to print this post and hand it out to family and friends. Much love to your friend and Avery x
Thank you so much Trish, this is a truly beautiful and helpful post. So many women go through such tragic losses and it can be very hard to know what to say or do or most importantly what not to. I believe this post will help so many families and friends. Thinking of you, your family and beautiful Charlotte, Avery and all other Angel babies xoxo
1 reply · active 714 weeks ago
a lovely post Trish ,I just wish you didnt know so much about it first hand.

thinking of you and Charlotte.
Gorgeous post Trish, thank you for sharing such good advice, although I echo PeskyPixies comment "I just wish you didnt know so much about it first hand".
As a friend of families who have sleeping babies, I thank you for writing this post. I wish you hadn't had to experience it first hand. Life can be so unfair.
Thank you so much for sharing your terribly hard earned wisdom. x
I have a friend going through this and I don't know how to help. It sucks.
Beautifully written Trish. I'm so sorry that you are writing from experience, but so thankful that you are strong enough to share ways that we can help others with their grief. xx
Such fantastic, considered and thoughtful advice/suggestions Trish.

I was so saddened to read just this morning of Avery's passing. A very sad time.
My sister lost a baby at 36 weeks a year ago. In less than 12 hours, hopefully she will give birth to a baby.

I thought someone might be comforted by the poem I wrote them when they buried their baby. http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/some-decisions-hav...
Beautifully said, it is a very painful stage that parents and immediate families go through when this happens, and it more common than one would think so...I deal with a lot of this with my work, and my heart goes out to all of you who have gone through such a stage in your life. Please do not try and be strong... you are allowed to grief, although having said that it is amazing how much strength we can find in traumatic situations especially if you have a good supportive family and friends around you xxx
Hi Trish,

When my friend lost her baby 5 years ago I bought her a nice blank journal to just purge into when she needed to.

Thanks for being honest Trish. I, personally, haven't suffered a loss like this so I can't truly understand how hard it is; but I do understand that it is very very hard.

Love & stuff
Mrs M
(Mum's Word)

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