Friday, 29 August 2008
I had to cut a long story short(well shorter).
Our fertility experience began with IVF. In a way I feel like a fraud having twins via IVF instead of naturally but regardless we came through against all the odds so they are still miracles.
After adopting 14yrs ago, then my first pregnancy in 2004 which ended when our daughter was stillborn at 6 months we went down IVF path in 2005.
On our 2nd cycle we conceived twins – two embryos from 17 fertilised eggs. We had had two previous transfers of two embryos – unsuccessful.
On our final attempt we had two embryos implanted. Right then and there they give you a letter telling you they wish you success but at same time not to get your hopes up.Then 5 mins later we caught the lift back down to main entrance .We caught the eye of twin toddler boys in twin pram – they smiled at me. Simultaneously my husband and I grinned at each other – never imagining what we were secretly wishing for.I am not sure what I was thinking to tell the truth.
Ten days later – there were two pink lines … on the pregnancy test kit. The beta blood test showed I had high levels of HCG – the presence an indicator of pregnancy and in my case it was quite high – so a possible indicator of multiple pregnancy.
I could barely contain my excitement I wanted to shout to the world – so I told a couple hundred people on an internet forum or two BUT not our families and real life friends.
I then had some spotting (slight bleeding) so off for a scan we went – YEP – two little black blobs but only one had a beating heart @5wks and 6 days. The guy was very cautious but encouraging … come back in a week and I am sure we will see two (heartbeats) as the first little one may have only just started beating that day. This guy 'B' was the same guy who had given me the news that our daughter had no heartbeat.
It was a test of strength not to go back in before the week but wait till the official scan at the IVF clinic. We were elated at 7 weeks 2 days to see both our little blobs had perfect beating hearts. I could finally take a breath and go to the toilet.
Again they reminded us of what could happen … disappearing twin syndrome but we pushed aside all thoughts of this (we had enough to fear) and started to anticipate the dramatic changes that would shape the rest of our life.
I contacted our local AMBA but because I didn’t want to jinx myself I didn’t subscribe … till after their birth. We went along to an expectant parent evening andI began to realise what a blessing I was going to have in having not one baby but twice the joy in two. They made it all seem so normal and wonderful at the same time.
I knew I wouldn’t have to worry if something came up because someone would sure to have an answer for me and support. I never thought – how will I cope?Our boys arrived one month early but well and perfectly healthy.
I wonder why did God choose to bless us with our gorgeous twin boys. How lucky we are to be gifted two miracles.S & J are fraternal and at 2 years are developing very different personalities - chalk and cheese. Some people say they look alike but others are amazed how different they are.
So far it has been an amazing journey and I know my husband and I cannot imagine life without our cheeky little treasures that fill our lives with much love, joy and laughter. They interact well with each other (when they are not fighting over our keys and mobile phones).I can see they will be great mates – I hope they remain friends! I am also grateful they have each other because they are our last and their brother is 15yrs old so while he plays with them -he isn't around much.
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Wednesday, 27 August 2008
A voice rings through the house ...
You better run you better take cover !
Being too darn cute ...
(no one say double trouble).
Guess I keep them ... till tomorrow LOL!
Ps after white spirits, methylated spirits and sard wash the stain is still slightly visible - any other suggestions to remove texta from my doona cover ?
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
I still remember watching him take his last gasping breaths as if it were yesterday.
'Forever in our hearts'
God saw you getting tired,
a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you,
and whispered"Come with me".
We watched you suffer,
and we saw you pass away
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.
It's lonesome here without you,
we miss you every day,
life doesn't seem the same,
since you've gone away.
When days are sad and lonely,
and everything goes wrong,
we seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up , carry on.
Each time we see your picture,
you seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping,
We'll meet again some day
I miss you Dad.I will love and remember you always.
I think I re read them (albeit briefly) for the first time in years. I wasn't ready to dwell too much on them. It brought back so many memories ... I couldn't cry though I have felt teary a few times this last week over the craziest unrelated things.
It is only 5 days till Charlotte's 4th anniversary.Days turn to weeks, weeks to years, but I remember as if it were yesterday, my first born, bittersweet memories.
I try to imagine what it would be like to have a 4 yr daughter. I caught a glimpse of it last week when a friend visited briefly with her 3.5 yr daughter. At the same time I was wondering what she was thinking since she lost her precious twin daughters 4.5 yrs ago. They say that time heals, but it doesn't not for my Dad or Charlotte.
I have no grave to visit for either of them .Not that I need a grave to remember them , I visit in my heart or in Charlotte's garden. I used to close my eyes and imagine her running through the house as her little brothers do , pulling out pots and pans, banging them till my ears ring or getting dressed up and parading around. But then I open my eyes and she is gone. Though I sense her, here and there as I look to the stars at night.
What she would look like now I will never know. I might not show it every day but I still despair the fact my only daughter died. I doubt a day will pass me by that I won't mourn the day she died. Don't worry ... I have 'moved on'.I rarely cry.Though my heart is still broken and beyond repair ,I carry it more easily now.
At the same time I wonder if S & J would be here if she was here. She left to prepare the way for them. They don't replace her but they are my sunshine and they fulfilled my life's dream of giving birth (to 'living' children) . I can't imagine a life without them.
to be continued...
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Saturday, 23 August 2008
- It is International Comment Leaving Week for August and I welcome new and returning visitors to my blog. Here is a welcome post I wrote for National Comment leaving month.
- my new car - a Toyota Corolla that goes like a rocket !
- S & J going to bed without much fuss. We recently made the move to the big bed - they have a racing car bed each but currently sleep together in one. This bed is still in our room but we will soon move them back to their own room. They can then choose to sleep separately or together.
- We have rain for the garden yesterday and last night. Hopefully it will soak into the ground and refresh the browned off grass.
- My GP has organised counselling for me.
- The Ear ENT specialist said he will fix my ears ... well the chronic infection and discharge . Then I can order a new hearing aid which has been on the agenda for more than a year. It wasn't a pleasant visit (having one ear scraped out (of wax) and my other ear sucked out so much so I felt faint, but I am happy that I am finally doing something to improve my hearing.
- Things are much calmer on the home front .
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Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Monday, 18 August 2008
Over the last few weeks I haven't thought much about menu planning.Dinners have been spur of the moment, sometimes it has just been the boys and I. I haven't had much of an appetite either. I have lost 6kgs but I can't afford to lose much more.
I am once again inspired to get more organised ... the fridge and freezer needs a good sort,
I got a slow cooker
With a hungry teen the food
Monday: Slow cooker Roast Chicken, oven baked potatoes and steamed vegies (or maybe slow cooked)
Tuesday: BBQ Steak and steamed vegetables , chippolata sausages for the littles.
Wednesday:Slow cooker Spaghetti
Thursday: Chicken Surprise and rice
Friday:Leftovers ...umm if there are any
Saturday: Lamb cutlets, savory rice & vegetables (Joel especially loved Lamb cutlets the first time I gave them to him two weeks ago but with the price they are a $pecial treat)
Sunday: hoping for an invite out ;) to dinner because it is my niece's birthday .
I am hungry now just thinking about all these dinners, must be time for
It feels good to have a plan again -things have been chaotic of late. Now let us see how well I follow it.
See more great recipes and menus Laura @ organising Junkie
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Friday, 15 August 2008
I have been so busy doing housework, playing with S & J , gardening, doctors appointments and checkups and other mundane stuff I have hardly had a chance to think about blogging. I have weaned myself from the Internet. I hardly noticed the withdrawal.It feels good to be released but also sad. I am sorry I haven't been around to visit you all. I miss you.
Good news ... J's congenital developmental dysplasia of his hips got the all clear after xrays Tuesday.We go back again in 3 yrs for a final checkup but the specialist was confident no further treatment will be required. J also had a renal ultrasound, the results we won't get for two weeks. He has another scan to check for any scarring and kidney function next week. His last scan showed 65% right kidney /35% function for left kidney (meant to add to 100).
Poor J was unwell all week with high temperatures , and some vomiting too. The teen, D was also also home 4 days from school unwell with virus.S, thank fully was sparred.
The days have been so beautiful and spring will be sprung in just over 2 weeks. It has only been a mild winter. So I have been weeding the garden because I want it in good shape for Charlotte's anniversary (1st September) . I love being in her garden.Of course I need none of this to remember that my daughter died, but sometimes I like the feeling of tending to her roses, weeding and having something physical to look at.
Our new neighbours will move in this weekend so for the first time in 8 years (4 years here) we will have close
I know a few people who know me in real life read my blog and I have no problems with this. I have always been 100% honest.Sure I exaggerate and play on the funny things in my life - so be it . Maybe some things are too personal to blog and they horrify people but I think sharing personal things allows others to see we make mistakes and we are all dealing with issues that cause us distress.
No-one is perfect and it has helped me to read other blogs. To relate to their grief and loss journeys, marital stress, teenage/parent relationships problems and even the joys and challenges of raising twins or just two adventurous toddlers. The truth sets us free from worrying and it helps to know we are not alone. Yes, there are people with far more serious problems, and we all have issues to deal with. I suppose this blog is my little corner I use to express my frustrations and the fun I have with my life experiences.
The feeling of isolation many stay at home mothers (and fathers) feel is lessened with the burdens shared and joys celebrated.Not that I blog all of my feelings , far from it, I hold back on a lot of things but at least others can be open too. It’s supplementary support, in good times and in bad times 24/7 that some real life friends came bring.
I have said it before Internet friends can’t replace your community of real life friends, but they can add to it. Using it with compassion to reach out in friendship, then that’s what you’ll get in return. That is very real. Sometimes you might elicit nods of recognition, virtual hugs of understanding and offers of support and perhaps the occasional softly-spoken disapproval.
Just so you know things on the home front are improving but I don't want to talk about it here at the moment.
PS I haven't even had time to think about starting a new blog ...
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Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer, too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book [& THOSE WHO COMMENT ON MY BLOG]
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits 'send' [POST].
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com
I have been very busy with my little guys and my teen spent a lot of the weekend here. Still up to his old tricks but we got along fine. I just
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Friday, 1 August 2008
August 1st was actually the magical original due date for my twin boys - they would have been two today, if born @40weeks. So I had "2" join in.
Kate @Picklebums is the happy hostess of Flickr Friday and she is a twin mum too.
OMG - I could identify with her having to buy two of everything too and especially certain toys or it gets too much breaking up fights and the whinging.
The sweetest thing about 2 @ two year old toddlers is the cuddles and the way they love each and look out for each other. They are the best buddies when not at war over toys or shoes.
Right now they are my everything and they keep me
1. The Twin Set, 2. Big Number 2, 3. 1 2 3, 4. Repost: Now and then, 5. flickr, 6. You and me..., 7. 1.june2008birthday 126, 8. Two, 9. 1.june2008birthday 127
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