Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Memories of the Heart

Today, is the 3rd anniversary of my Dad's passing ~ suddenly @ 63 yrs .

I still remember watching him take his last gasping breaths as if it were yesterday.

God saw you getting tired,
a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you,
and whispered"Come with me".

We watched you suffer,
and we saw you pass away
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.

It's lonesome here without you,
we miss you every day,
life doesn't seem the same,
since you've gone away.

When days are sad and lonely,
and everything goes wrong,
we seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up , carry on.

Each time we see your picture,
you seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping,
We'll meet again some day
'Forever in our hearts'
I miss you Dad.I will love and remember you always.

Yesterday, quite by chance I was sorting through our filing cabinet and I came across several files with loss and grief poems , the funeral order of service for Charlotte , (also my Godmother's who died 6 weeks before my Dad), my pregnancy record card, the invoice/receipt for Charlotte's funeral, sympathy cards we received, as well as two 'congratulations' ...on birth of Charlotte.

I think I re read them (albeit briefly) for the first time in years. I wasn't ready to dwell too much on them. It brought back so many memories ... I couldn't cry though I have felt teary a few times this last week over the craziest unrelated things.

It is only 5 days till Charlotte's 4th anniversary.Days turn to weeks, weeks to years, but I remember as if it were yesterday, my first born, bittersweet memories.

I try to imagine what it would be like to have a 4 yr daughter. I caught a glimpse of it last week when a friend visited briefly with her 3.5 yr daughter. At the same time I was wondering what she was thinking since she lost her precious twin daughters 4.5 yrs ago. They say that time heals, but it doesn't not for my Dad or Charlotte.

I have no grave to visit for either of them .Not that I need a grave to remember them , I visit in my heart or in Charlotte's garden. I used to close my eyes and imagine her running through the house as her little brothers do , pulling out pots and pans, banging them till my ears ring or getting dressed up and parading around. But then I open my eyes and she is gone. Though I sense her, here and there as I look to the stars at night.

What she would look like now I will never know. I might not show it every day but I still despair the fact my only daughter died. I doubt a day will pass me by that I won't mourn the day she died. Don't worry ... I have 'moved on'.I rarely cry.Though my heart is still broken and beyond repair ,I carry it more easily now.

At the same time I wonder if S & J would be here if she was here. She left to prepare the way for them. They don't replace her but they are my sunshine and they fulfilled my life's dream of giving birth (to 'living' children) . I can't imagine a life without them.

to be continued...

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