Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Memories of the Heart

Today, is the 3rd anniversary of my Dad's passing ~ suddenly @ 63 yrs .

I still remember watching him take his last gasping breaths as if it were yesterday.

God saw you getting tired,
a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you,
and whispered"Come with me".

We watched you suffer,
and we saw you pass away
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.

It's lonesome here without you,
we miss you every day,
life doesn't seem the same,
since you've gone away.

When days are sad and lonely,
and everything goes wrong,
we seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up , carry on.

Each time we see your picture,
you seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping,
We'll meet again some day
'Forever in our hearts'
I miss you Dad.I will love and remember you always.

Yesterday, quite by chance I was sorting through our filing cabinet and I came across several files with loss and grief poems , the funeral order of service for Charlotte , (also my Godmother's who died 6 weeks before my Dad), my pregnancy record card, the invoice/receipt for Charlotte's funeral, sympathy cards we received, as well as two 'congratulations' ...on birth of Charlotte.

I think I re read them (albeit briefly) for the first time in years. I wasn't ready to dwell too much on them. It brought back so many memories ... I couldn't cry though I have felt teary a few times this last week over the craziest unrelated things.

It is only 5 days till Charlotte's 4th anniversary.Days turn to weeks, weeks to years, but I remember as if it were yesterday, my first born, bittersweet memories.

I try to imagine what it would be like to have a 4 yr daughter. I caught a glimpse of it last week when a friend visited briefly with her 3.5 yr daughter. At the same time I was wondering what she was thinking since she lost her precious twin daughters 4.5 yrs ago. They say that time heals, but it doesn't not for my Dad or Charlotte.

I have no grave to visit for either of them .Not that I need a grave to remember them , I visit in my heart or in Charlotte's garden. I used to close my eyes and imagine her running through the house as her little brothers do , pulling out pots and pans, banging them till my ears ring or getting dressed up and parading around. But then I open my eyes and she is gone. Though I sense her, here and there as I look to the stars at night.

What she would look like now I will never know. I might not show it every day but I still despair the fact my only daughter died. I doubt a day will pass me by that I won't mourn the day she died. Don't worry ... I have 'moved on'.I rarely cry.Though my heart is still broken and beyond repair ,I carry it more easily now.

At the same time I wonder if S & J would be here if she was here. She left to prepare the way for them. They don't replace her but they are my sunshine and they fulfilled my life's dream of giving birth (to 'living' children) . I can't imagine a life without them.

to be continued...

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Alison said...

Sending lots of hugs Trish, for you and your girl.
We are coming up to an anniversary, too, and my heart is also heavy with grief.
Sending lots of love your way.

Jenty said...


Iris said...

So sorry! My father died six years ago and I still cannot believe it.
How dreadful to even loose a child!
But it´s always good to remember the loved ones.

My name is Andy. said...

I'm sorry for all your loses. Take some time for you and sit in your garden.

Take Care.

PlanningQueen said...

So beautifully written Trish. I hope you can find some solace in Charlotte's garden during what must be a difficult time.

CappyPrincess said...

Major big hugs for you!

I'm not sure you ever "get over" wondering what things would be like if your child hadn't died. I do pretty good a stuffing all those grief emotions down most of the time and focusing on the here and now. But I think it's also important to have those rememberance times and let your heart have it's say as well.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time at the moment.

Mishelle Lane said...

Awwwwww.. ((HUGS)) No words, just thoughts and prayers...

M+B said...

Hugs to you, Trish. I know where you are coming from. Kai's 4th anniversary is coming up too, I have generally found the anticipation to the day is always, worse than the actual day. Shed a few tears and find some time to dwell in your garden. Then find something fun for you and the boys to do, and think of Charlotte smiling down on all of you

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}}...time dulls the pain of losses such as those of Charlotte and your Dad. But, when we love someone so completely, the pain of loss never completely goes away.

Deborah said...

I am so sorry for your loses. No words can ever say enough, but know that my heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Sad times, take care.

alicia said...

lots of hugs. thats all I have, lots of virtual hugs!

Just Me. said...

Had tears in my eyes reading this.

((((((((BIG, WARM HUGS TO YOU)))))))

tiff said...

Oh Trish
That was so beautifully written and straight from the heart.
Little Charlotte is on my mind, I have been thinking of her as we come to the 1st September, the first day of Spring, your first baby girl, who brought us together...

I hope that the days are peaceful as you remember her. The forth anniversary is, for some reason, very hard.

jeanie said...

What a gorgeous poem. Hugs to you, Trish.

C said...

Oh, Trish! This post had me in tears! Big hugs for you!

Who is the author of that poem? Two weeks ago, a friend of ours passed away and that poem was in her service. It is such a beautiful poem.

That last bit you wrote made me think. It is so true. Would the twins be here if Charlotte were here? True, no one can ever replace her, but you were also given the gift of two other wonderful little bundles of joy :)

Did I tell you that my brother and his wife are expecting their 2nd AND 3rd babies two weeks after we're due with our 1st??? That's right! They're having TWINS!

I may need to e-mail you for advice for them. They are a bit anxious and nervous as to how to deal with two crying babies and a toddler! Their 1st won't even be 2 years old when the twins arrive!!!!

Crazed Mom said...

Hmmmmm, I know 'xactly how you feel.

I'm sorry about your dad. My mom literally dropped dead at the age of 64.


elena jane said...

hugs dear....i think we never quite forget and always remember....

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