Post it Tuesday #18

..brought to you today by the letter S ...sad

My husband is facing some scary things , it's the waiting to find out that is scariest for both of us. Today we only got more unanswered questions but it's not all bad.
There were a positives . I just can't talk about it right now.

This afternoon , I also found out through Facebook an internet friend I've known for 4 years, who also lost her first daughter to stillbirth, just lost her young husband. Suddenly & unexpectedly early Monday morning in his sleep.

I haven't been in touch much lately I knew her through a forum. I'm not personally affected, still I'm shocked and saddened ...

I cannot begin to even suggest I understand the trials in front of her and the ones she has already passed. She has two other young children under 3 and is 24wks pregnant. She is going to need all the strength in the world. It's so cruel.




I am not sure why sometimes bad things happen... still right now I'm going to take my kids out to dance in the rain.

I ♥ Post it Tuesday's

♥

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Confessions from the rubber room

Sat 6th August @ Multiple MUM

There are many things I don’t understand about human nature. One of the main ones is the intense desire to judge other people.

So judging others ...It seems as though its been going forever so history tells us. Now sometimes it isn't just limited to real life and it is in the virtual world.A dear friend of mine, Tiff @ Three Ring Circus has been blogging about her family of seven beautiful children. One of them Ivy, a gorgeous two year old has been sick for a long time and they fought a battle to get her special treatment. A lot of bloggers helped out by signing a petition. I missed it all because we were away.

Now Tiff is plagued by trolls who want to bring her down. She is much loved and I suppose some people don't like it.They judge her and harshly criticize her blogging about her life as she honestly tells it and Ivy's treatment or lack of it. I don't understand it.

The trolls that is.They also probably don't understand or bother to look deeper ... like knowing the devastation and anguish Tiff and her family suffered watching their 5 day old son,and baby brother die in their arms only 4 years ago.

Do they know that Ivy gets extremely sick very quickly and though she doesn't have something much worse (who is to judge anyway) she has suffered so much in her short life since her birth @ 30 weeks. Ivy has been in hospital again for 5 days -imagine that stress and disruption to a family of seven children - 5 at school, one of them with special needs and a toddler (missing his twin and Mum) , and missing your wedding anniversary ... so to all those trolls who sit in judgement I wish you could understand how much more it is.

In real life too the need to make sure you are on par with everyone else and perhaps a bit above. The need to make sure if someone is different than you, that you are still 'good enough'…and maybe even a bit better? I don’t know why! Why can't we just accept each other for what we are ?

I personally know its hurtful when you are on the other side, but I also know that subconsciously I even do it too. Can it be ... it can be, rather than just focusing on their weaknesses or faults we focus on something else. I might not agree with and like everyone I meet but with a little understanding I can accept they want the same things in life that I do. We are just a little different.

So what if I decide to continue breastfeeding at 2 or if another friend lets her child have a bottle still ...what difference can you tell between the kids in kindergarten which one gave up their dummy or bottle or breast at 12 months or 3 yrs ?. So what !

There are also two sides to every story and even every person has a side they they might not show to others or a reason they do what they do. Leave them be.

The desire to live in a community is intense too. People want to live or rather be around other people, to be able to have a friend to ring (or email) when they are feeling down or have some good news to share, to be able to stop for a cuppa and chat or share some chow every now and then.

It is what people want to be able to do and do it everyday. I see the blogging community as an extension of our real life community. Some of us are too busy especially mums with small or sick children. We can't get out everyday so these friends are our sanity.

I am in awe of the support the blogging community has given to Tiff and even to me at times.

When people get too busy, to connect, they start to feel isolated, even though they are going from work to kids activities or thing to thing. When we aren’t able to stop and connect with others in a meaningful way we get 'down'.

I feel a little like that at the moment. I hate it being about me and I would rather not say it. However, I know so many others are hurting this same way. I have friends (real and blogging ones)I haven't connected with in ages and I feel bad about it. I am sorry to anyone I have missed!
OK, so I’ve been on a brief hiatus from serious 'blogging'. It is partly because of some people who read my blog that I would rather NOT and I made a decision that my children and family are more important. I used to do a lot of reading ,writing, commenting and a lot of stuff on the internet. Then I stopped. I sort of lost contact with a lot of people in the cyber world and even in real life.

That little “write a post today” voice starts popping back up in my head or I wonder how 'X''Y'& 'Z' is but I just don't have enough hours in the day. Still I do have a lot to say ...there is plenty of time as soon as I get more organised.

Lastly I got this by email recently

It said that every 60 seconds you spend angry, upset or mad is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not by the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

... It's my uncle's 50th Birthday today so we are off to a party . Then it is my Mum's birthday tomorrow and my dear Friend's -be sure to mark it in your diary and go her some lovin' Monday.

♥

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What if this is as good as it gets ...

Erma Bombeck said, “The easiest part of being a mother is giving birth. The hardest part is showing up on the job every day."

Today my dear sons were pushing all my buttons.The ugly - mummy 'guilt' ones.

The littliest ones my keyboard or TV buttons ... changing the TV to snow or black screen or the volume sky high. Coupled with standing in front of the remote sensor so I physically had to get up off my computer chair to bribe him to move or move him. They both fight over the Mem Fox "Where is the green" book ... though it could have been any. S snatches J's dummy(binky/dodger whatever) to get a rise out of him (& me).There was lots of whinging today ... the grass was too wet to play outside but we did have a swing.Then more tears because we came back inside.

Later, S went to sleep on the breast (nipple clenched between his four teeth) also balanced on my lap on the zoo pillow. BUT .... waking the moment I arose to carry him gingerly to his nap time cot or my bed. Haha not a chance. After two goes I abandon it and leave him up. We were going out anyway. I only spent an hour or more trying.

I peg more washing out ,make a cuppa tea and finish a few things.I finally wake his slumbering brother and off we go. After a light lunch with friends ... eventually we had 6 @ 1 yrs old boys and 1 girl - amazingly all well behaved.

We head home amidst dark skies and pelting rain ... soaking my precious washing and all my cloth nappies.But I won't complain about the rain - God knows we need it .I am just feeling woeful about the dryer I will need to use. I quickly get it off the line as fast as I can - ouch a single peg dropped on a toe hurts like crazy.

Next, I deposit an almost sleeping S into his barely used cot - argh he cries but I know he will nod off. I walk out, get J and attempt to put him back down to nap ... not a chance. I put hi down to play ... His crying gets to me .. only because I panic it will wake his brother - grrrrr ..... More guilt because I know he just wants a cuddle.I want a cup of tea.

They are tag teaming me today.I breastfeed him and he still won't budge those eyelids shut. Finally, I sit him behind me on the recliner rocking chair inside the play area. I sit down to relax with some friends .

Suddenly I notice how quiet it is and remember that only one is in bed ... if you have a toddler and it is quite for too long -you assume they are doing something wrong (see Toddler rules) - wrong he was

The 'peace' is a relief but I still feel guilty that I strive for that hour or two (or 40 minutes) they are both asleep. I feel guilty for ignoring their cries for my attention when I just want some me time.

I remember what life was like before and this is way better ... I remember what it was like to dream of having children and I am so grateful. Really ...

Though having a teenager and toddler twins is certainly not was I ever imagined.

I feel very troubled about my relationship with my teen. He is a raging bull and full of testosterone . Everything I say to him waves the red flag . Everything he does sends me into a spin ... I spit out a shameful tirade of angry words. We lock horns continually.You know what they say about the mouth / tongue.

Mouth: Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."


Prayer: I pray that I would speak only wholesome words beneficial to others. May my speech be appropriate and respectful. May it encourage those who are disheartened and bring faith to those who have none.

Tongue: Proverbs 10:19-20 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value."

Prayer: I ask that D will learn wisdom and as a result, be able to hold his tongue. Keep him from wicked words. Make his tongue like choice silver.MINE TOO

So how do I reconnect to the heartbreakingly beautiful little boy I once knew. Who feels we don't care now we have the babies. Will we ever ? Will I go crazy trying? or send my husband reaching for extra doses of his special 'pills'.(that is another story) He says the babies will pickup on the stress too.Tonight, we (my teen & I) were at it and the babies were crying ... and clingy. I was waiting for my Dh to snap after his 12hr long day.

I know it is small stuff that gets to me. The excessive consumption of our softdrink stash and other stuff, Internet usage (LOL - I am fine one to talk) and the phone bills he is 'ringing' up !I have the power to ignore it . However, I feel I can't let him get away with lying, laziness and generally the way he gets annoyed by the babies or us not living up to his expectations. Like us not letting him have wants, continually putting his hand out for money for this activity or another;ranting because his father isn't home to help me so he doesn't have to.

I loath his habit of wearing his pants half way down his backside, his jocks showing and walking on the cuffs.Other hurtful words too like that because I am not his mother I can't tell him what to do.D just presses all the wrong buttons in me so I spend a great deal of time being mad at him -even when he isn't home I curse him to myself.Usually after finding evidence of what he has failed to do or things he has done wrong.

I wonder will it all click into place and somehow make sense one day? I guess all I can do is hope and pray that it will, one blissful day.God I hope so , I just can''t take much more of him.I really have to force myself to break the cycle the two of us have with each other on a regular basis for all our sakes.

I'll finish with ..

no matter how bad things seem, the sun rises on another day, and I am given the opportunity to make a difference….