Happy New Year ... where has 18 months gone

My little guys are 18 months old today ... can someone please tell me where the last 12 - no wait - 18 months has gone.

It has been a joyous year, though it seems a year that passed in the blink of an eye. A few countless precious memories were made, with an endless parade of triumphant and spectacular firsts ... first proper words,first foods, first crawls, first steps,first climbs and falls, first birthdays, first teeth and first bites and first reciprocal hugs.

I am sorry to say goodbye to my twins babybabyhood ...I saw a newborn at the hospital when visiting my SIL and oh, how clucky I felt and deeply sad. I yearn for another baby or maybe it is the yearning for my daughter who I didn't get to know.

I feel a little awestruck that I was blessed with twins but at same time sad that each son did not enjoy all my devoted attention and I had to share so many cuddles when it could have just been me.I could have enjoyed each as a baby separately and not just at the same time. Selfish? perhaps but if you have twins or more you might know what I mean.

I rarely got the time to capture the memories I wish I had ... though blogging has helped me journal a few.I wish I had taken more photos too.The pace has been thick and fast. A whirlwind of days and sometimes sleepless nights.

S & J have reached out and touched so many hearts, grasping at the world with now not so small hands pulling down and wrecking all our stuff . They are demanding of much love and attention but within reason.The joy they have given us in return a hundredfold ... and more than I ever imagined.

As the New year is on the horizon their attempts to communicate are becoming clearer. They are no longer babies.I am looking forward to them being more independent toddler but with a few regrets... as long as it doesn't happen too fast.

The laughter flows all day along with food and spills on the floor and our cup overflows not to mention the laundry with the love and cuddles they return unconditionally.

Do you wonder, like I do, what hopes and dreams God has in store for 2008 ?. I have a long list in my head and in time they will be revealed.

Tomorrow, or the day after I hope to write my letters to them ... when my husband returns to work and my SIL & BIL, & MIL leave. My SIL is visiting tomorrow before she flies home to Queensland- since she didn't get much time to catch up being in hospital.

Today, we did a lot of rearranging of the furniture and finished cleaning up 'Christmas'. It was exhausting but it all looks good ... don't ask me how long it will last with the two tornadoes but hopefully we have them contained again.

I am also pleased to have made it to 18 months of breastfeeding. As long as I am still BF I feel they are babies.

Good news and sad news ... circle of life

In the space of 2-3 days I have had some very good and bad news from friends and family on the baby front.

My lovely Internet friend , Z who I met IRL in March and again last week text ed me Thursday (after we had dinner with them in Queensland) that her pregnancy test was positive .Z, I hope you don't mind me sharing this exciting news.Woo hoo ! Z , has shared with me the journey after losing her little boy not long after I lost my daughter.Z has a little girl, E turning 1 next week.

My equally lovely Internet friend N , who had a big of scare with pre cancerous cells in her uterus - got the all clear after pathology results this week. Yahoo ! After a D & C where she could have had to undergo a hysterectomy.Now she is undergoing fertility treatment she is doing ovulation induction with insemination for this cycle. I am so happy for her truly. She has a wonderful spirit and enormous strength.

Another dear Internet friend MM is hopefully back on the IVF horse and has her little one on board , as of this week so sticky vibes and I wish you the world of luck my friend.

Sadly, yesterday I received an email from another real life friend that she had a miscarriage the same day she had her 5th pregnancy confirmed (she was about 6 wks). She said

Its certainly not as traumatic as the last time – I hardly had time to get used to the idea – but any little one lost is still sad

Then tonight my I heard my cousin had a miscarriage @8wks , she has a little girl 14 months. I didn't know she was pregnant though.

So at the same time I feel a mixture of elation and joy as well as sadness for little lives lost.I know that some people think it is just life that this happens but I still feel the sadness for the lost hope and dreams of a life with that child.

Somebody said
It was all for the best,
That something was probably wrong,
Somebody said
It was meant to be,
Different verse,
Same miserable song.
Somebody said
"You can have another",
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said
"It was not a real child".
Somebody's not very bright,
Somebody thinks it's helpful,
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colours,
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said "I'm sorry",
And sat quietly by my side,
And somebody shared my sorrow,
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened,
And called my lost baby by name,
And somebody understood,
That I'd never be the same again.

For those few weeks,
i had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks,
i came to know you,,,
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life i had planned for you!

Just those few weeks,
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations,,,
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks,
it wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks,
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

True, it is the way it is but I pray the other little ones above get to stay. I am so thankful for my boys.