Today - the wall !

I know I don't have to be cheerful and positive all the time.
Honestly, it's really sucking at the moment.

Today is 5 weeks since I saw my GP about my suspicious symptoms.
Today is 4 weeks since I had my mammogram and U/S - when I knew positively that the news would not be good.

The staff were too nice, too apologetic and over explaining the need for extra images, different position and long time waiting for the Dr to review them -in case I needed more. Explaining gently - I may get called back for a biopsy ...telling me not to worry it is normal ...Well - no I didn't doubt for a minute it was !

Today is 3 weeks since a double mastectomy and axillary (armpit lymph nodes) clearance (Left). I still have my drain three weeks post op. It is annoying and painful at times mostly just uncomfortable ; finally bearable enough not to need as much pain relief. I've swallowed a gutful.

Today is 2 weeks since I cut my hair quite short. I am okay with that and the prospect of going bald I've yet to get my head around ...pun not really intended.

Today, I had a port a cath implanted, beneath the skin in my chest wall and below my right collarbone - which is the start of phase two in the breast cancer marathon . It is going to provide long term intravenous access for the chemotherapy and much longer targeted therapy. It is the right my choice but it hurts.

Later, in between infusions I hopefully won't know the port a cath is there, except for a raised bump.

The local anaesthetic has worn off - the pain, right now, is far worse than I expected. In both my neck and upper chest - they cut , poked , prodded it into position - it will ease up in time. Woe is me.

On a scale of 1to10 - maybe 8-9 . I am so glad I still have the oral Endone to give me some relief. It really hasn't eased it completely. I am trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I feel ok , others not - about this major interruption to our life. I look down where my breasts used to be and I honestly can't remember what they looked like ...well I barely managed a B cup. I don't feel too affected by this itty bitty bit.

Tomorrow, is the BIG day when I meet the Medical oncologist at the Cancer care centre - find out when I start chemotherapy , the details and the long list of side effects  that already terrify me and the big picture. It seems crazy to say I'm both looking forward to it and wishing it NEVER comes.


It will bring a sense of order and maybe control but today is not a good day.

I found out recently another mum from our former playgroup , a similar age to me, was diagnosed with Breast cancer a month prior to me. She has just started Chemo (1st dose) and is having a rough time.

Yesterday, at a 6th birthday party - other former playgroup friends in common , commented how odd is was that there were 2 of us in a group of maybe 20. It really isn't that odd because 1 in 8 will be diagnosed with Breast cancer.

Someone else, close to me, told they think her mother has breast cancer . Her mother lives 4000Km+ away. Tomorrow - her mother will find out more exactly the details. My eyes started to tear up upon hearing this news too.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.
♥

Trials, Tribulations , Termites and Tales from Harry Potter and Half blood Prince.

Saturday dawned bright and beautiful and I had high hopes for a little home decorating, room re-arranging and making space for the change of season clothes.

Instead it turned into a living nightmare. You could say we learnt some major life lessons. Keep Calm - yes I nailed that !

 Why ...because we found termites had infested invaded the shipping container where most of our furniture and stuff is stored. It was a HUGE mess.


It all started because I wanted to rearrange things ...luckily I did is all I can say because it was just in the nick of time.

We spent all Saturday and Sunday removing boxes and furniture from the container , then cleaning the mud out and assessing damage - mainly to one heavy TV entertainment/storage unit plus dozens of books/things damaged /dirty or destroyed.

The white ants were most partial to cardboard boxes and books , even fabric - they really got their teeth into Harry Potter and Half Blood Prince. They gouged out  a huge, neat 'grater' tunnel ( mind you it is almost 10 cm thick) , then they set up camp inside the spine. I couldn't save it unfortunately.

The coffee table was ok :)

Two days later , a wheelbarrow full of mud , dozens of boxes we had to empty and clean mud/dried goop or poop off stuff. It was physically and mentally exhausting as well. Burning the boxes gave me a little satisfaction. We bombed the container with cockroach bombs first as well.

DH called it the big guns and heavy machinery ...AKA the Bulldozer [his Dad's] to move the container by dragging and hopefully breaking their contact with the nest. Then he used the bulldozer to lift each corner and put it on concrete blocks with ant caps [shutting the gate after the cows had bolted maybe]

Saturday night DH casually told me his sister had mentioned they had white ants in their shipping container (in Queensland). I didn't say it but I thought it ... ! He was shattered enough already . It is what it is blaming saying anything was pointless.


SO did not finish anything I planned - I couldn't even get my head around starting. I also planned to finish writing my new giveaways.

Friday we had already spent cleaning a caravan full of our office/business stuff covered in diesel smoke/soot - it damaged the caravan but hubby can repair that mostly.Soot still covers a lot of stuff. It cannot be wiped off fully - creme cleanser did a fair job. Hubby had transported it up here, on his truck, Thursday, and the exhaust went in under roof panels.

Needless to say we were both SO OVER IT . Then yesterday we found more live termites inside our cabin/shed where we live. (They already wrecked havoc in our bedroom last year )

After I took boys the school we set out to do what I'd wanted done on Saturday. A place for the boys to do their homework from under my feet ...A homework station to leave pencils,textas and homework books out,and not have to pack it away every night from the kitchen table (to eat dinner).  

Thankfully, the termites were contained next to only one wall and with mud casing around and/in one cupboard box containing a Lego table, Lego baseplate ( the boys were happy we found these) and Thomas Tank engine large poster book.We only need wash mud off them. 

DH moved all other boxes off the floor , up onto the table tennis table. We are going to do very regular checks ... daily and we are getting exterminators out to spray.


The Drummer Boys now have a lovely space and table to draw , complete homework and craft . Nearly all the books are out (even Mr 18 Chapter and series books). DH could have cared less about the books but not me *sob* burning them was horrible.

We are still chipping away at the mess from three incidents and the mantra Keep Calm - Carry ON has been muttered constantly.
Life is good enough again

It is what it is *. 

Things are still very tightly packed in here but not against the walls. I cannot believe the cr@p we have accumulated over 22 years of marriage ... and wonder how we used to fit it in our house.

The silver lining is I found a few treasures I was missing like my Tupperware scales , Bamix and  clothes.


* Termites cause $780 million in damages to homes across Australia each year.

♥

Honest Scrap (warning it's only part 1)

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly.
First ...The Bad - I was given this

oh about a month ago by MissyBoo.I've been procrastinating thinking hard and carefully about it. That's bad !

The Good ...I am supposed to nominate 3 other people for the award ...though most have already done it.
I took my time because I too really needed to honour Alison , Fe , Missyboo who shared some very intense and private things. I tried to do the same (well within reason).
The Ugly Honest

1. I wasn't really ready to write 10 honest things about myself, to lay myself open for judgement too! I'll start with something easy. I have always hated having my photo taken, I have always felt ugly ...though I know beauty is not the be all.


2. Shortly after I got my driver's licence I wrote off my mum's car. It was low speed accident no one hurt. It was an older model car but they had just finished replacing the automatic transmission or power steering (I digress).
   I went to pick up a friend to go to church . Inexperience meant I made an error of judgement. I didn't drive again for over a year. I only started to drive again because I had to to continue Nursing = shift work and no public tranport. It took me ages to get back my confidence.


3. I have been reading other honest scrap awards stories...on sexual abuse. The statistics are scary 1/3 girls and 1/7 boys. My own experience wasn't that 'bad'. All sexual abuse scars but I just can't think of any other word to describe it as a lesser evil.
    Protect your children at all costs.


4. I met my husband via a radio match making program, he called in ... read more here.(Remember it was pre Internet in the olden days). The night before our wedding my father rang the radio station guy and my tongue tied husband to be was 'made' to talk. It was taped by the 'best' man, unbeknown to us.
   At our wedding reception they replayed it (a few times) ...and everyone was rolling on the floor laughing.It was funny because poor Dh messed up a few things .He was so embarassed at the reception and also sick. He had food poisoning on our wedding night- not so much fun.


5. I was 22 when I found out I had a genetically inherited disease called Neurofibromatosis 1.I found out by accident. Even though I was a registered nurse and had completed a 3yr full time university equivalent Nursing course.
   I honestly found out by snooping & reading a Newsletter on my Aunt's kitchen table.Her 2yr daughter(my cousin) has just had major brain surgery to remove a tumour from her optic nerve. It left her blind in that eye.
   The newsletter was from the Neurofibromatosis Assoc of Australia ...I started to read it out of curiosity.Within a 30 secs I realised the truth. It was ME, they were describing.There was no Dr Goggle or Internet but I knew from what I'd read that it was a potentially horrible neurological disorder.
   It explained my numerous 'hideous' birthmarks [cafe au lait spots] and a few odd lumps I had.
   
   Just a few months before my 'young' Uncle K, had died in a nursing home at 31yrs of age. He had a benign [non cancerous] brain tumour but surgery had debilitated him and broken him. Surgery and complications from blocked brain shunts left him physically handicapped , ? incontinent , barely able to walk or talk or swallow properly. My elderly grandparents had no choice but to admit him to a nursing home.K died 3 wks later - l think it was a seizure not from the tumour .I didn't know it then but suddenly I knew K had NF1 most definitely. I was in shock.
   
   Once I got home (to a house I shared with 2 girls) I locked myself up in my room at the back of the house.Deeply depressed. Alone, I cried and I barely talked to anyone for a week.I didn't know how to tell my then boyfriend (now my hubby of almost 20yrs) let alone deal with it . I was a shift worker so my house mates didn't worry that I wasn't around. They got from work late and left early.
   
   I decided I had to move on with things and not let it defeat me. I made some appointments , got myself checked by a neurologist and broke the news to my boyfriend (my DH)
   He said he didn't care, he still loved me ...this I think was my greatest concern apart from the NF1.
   
   He told his mother, who at the time had her concerns I hadn't explained it fully to him.Her neighbour was a Paediatrician. He had given worst case scenarios.
   I HAD...honestly told him everything , in terms of children having 50% chance of inheriting it through me and what I might face.
   
   It didn't break us.We got engaged 2 months later and married 7 months after that in 1990.
   
   We saw a Geneticist & genetic counsellor regarding future children ,They did not advise whether or not to have children but explained the 'facts & chances' and consequences of doing so.
   
   About 2 years later we decided to try for at least one child . We had a 50% chance of having unaffected children too, as well NF1 was very variable in the way it affected people and mostly treatable. Though the cosmetic things you learn to live with you can't hide them.
   Whatever happened we would manage, together.
   I never discussed it with my family.
   If you saw me walking down the street you probably wouldn't know I had NF.Some others are less fortunate as they have severe facial disfigurement or other disfiguring tumours . Close up now you can see a few lumps & bumps. Nekkid (of course that isn't going to happen) ... I now have thousands of small lumps/freckling on my torso, arms and even a large neurofibroma in my left thigh the size of a tennisball.
6. Getting pregnant -it didn't happen with a bang like we thought it would. Though NF doesn't affect fertility. We briefly investigated our IVF options in 1993.Then we decided instead to try adoption . In Oct 1993 we started the ball rolling after I heard a radio advertisement :).
   In April 1994 we passed our interviews and 'graduated' to the waiting pool of 'adoptive parents'.
   
   In July 1994 we got 'offered'our son (now 16), we were the adoption agency's second choice (the first couple declined because he was 13 months old already though in the newborn program).It was the day after we just back from a 1 week island holiday. We jumped at the chance , though because I didn't have my hearing aid in or it wasn't working , I hardly heard what they said.He was a beautiful baby I couldn't understand why his mother relinquished him.
   
   We bought him home in August 1994. Six months later Feb 1995 a judge in his chambers signed the adoption order ....most coincidentally on our 5th wedding anniversary.
   
   We had the opportunity to adopt a 2nd child. We went to the preparation course when DS was 3. In the end we /I couldn't face taking someone else's chance away from them.I.e. being greedy to want 2 children when others were waiting on one child to complete their family. I was still hoping if we relaxed and adopted 1 child getting pregnant would automatically follow ...as they say (I wish I had a sarcasm font).
   So we had ditched all contraception ... infertility has its benefits!
   
   Here ends part 1 (bet you are glad)...part 2 to follow.
   ♥
   Never miss a post

Never SAY Never ...Head Or Tails

This weeks theme from Skittles is NEVER say NEVER...

1. Well I never thought I would be blogging and addicted to it with a passion .
2. Never that I would meet so many interesting, brilliant , witty, caring and amazing people on the Internet ~some of whom have become dear friends IRL or extended to personal emails & phone calls.
   
3. Never that I would marry such a wonderful man.
4. Never that I would have problems conceiving.
5. Never that I would adopt.
6. Never that I would fall pregnant after 12 yrs infertility
7. Never that my baby would die before she was born ... though admittedly I had great fears about it. That I can never talk about.
   
8. Never ever would I fall pregnant again .
9. Never would IVF work.
10. Never ever would I be blessed with not one but TWINS .
11. Never that so many people would stop me and talk to me or tell me how cute my twins sons are or ask me about them. This still amazes me because I never would.
    
12. Never would I be able breastfeed for 17 months and still going strong.
13. Never would people be interested in my blog (I hope some of you are).
14. Never would I manage the NaBloPoMo and here we are 2/3 of the way through.
15. Never would I be tagged for a Taggy post ... thanks I am working on it.
16. Never would I read this list of 75 Ways to Increase Your Site’s Traffic.LOL it has some great tips .
    
17. Never would it matter to me so much to increase my traffic.
18. Never ever would I admit I am often wrong ... ssshhh don't tell my husband ... because never have I been so wrong about all these things.
19. Well I like the idea of Never Never land in Peter Pan ... I wish my babies could stay little a little longer but of course I can never wait for the next stage of development. Just so I can shameless brag about their achievements.
    
20. I loved the book We of the Never Never.I even visited the replica homestead and area where Jeannie Gunn lived in Northern Territory. Never thought I would.
    
21. NEVER have I not had the last word ...even if it is muttered under my breath.
    
22. I bet you thought I would never shut up about 'NEVER say NEVER' EVER !

AND Go to Skittles' Place to join in the fun!