Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Today - the wall !

I know I don't have to be cheerful and positive all the time.
Honestly, it's really sucking at the moment.

Today is 5 weeks since I saw my GP about my suspicious symptoms.
Today is 4 weeks since I had my mammogram and U/S - when I knew positively that the news would not be good.

The staff were too nice, too apologetic and over explaining the need for extra images, different position and long time waiting for the Dr to review them -in case I needed more. Explaining gently - I may get called back for a biopsy ...telling me not to worry it is normal ...Well - no I didn't doubt for a minute it was !

Today is 3 weeks since a double mastectomy and axillary (armpit lymph nodes) clearance (Left). I still have my drain three weeks post op. It is annoying and painful at times mostly just uncomfortable ; finally bearable enough not to need as much pain relief. I've swallowed a gutful.

Today is 2 weeks since I cut my hair quite short. I am okay with that and the prospect of going bald I've yet to get my head around ...pun not really intended.

Today, I had a port a cath implanted, beneath the skin in my chest wall and below my right collarbone - which is the start of phase two in the breast cancer marathon . It is going to provide long term intravenous access for the chemotherapy and much longer targeted therapy. It is the right my choice but it hurts.

Later, in between infusions I hopefully won't know the port a cath is there, except for a raised bump.

The local anaesthetic has worn off - the pain, right now, is far worse than I expected. In both my neck and upper chest - they cut , poked , prodded it into position - it will ease up in time. Woe is me.

On a scale of 1to10 - maybe 8-9 . I am so glad I still have the oral Endone to give me some relief. It really hasn't eased it completely. I am trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I feel ok , others not - about this major interruption to our life. I look down where my breasts used to be and I honestly can't remember what they looked like ...well I barely managed a B cup. I don't feel too affected by this itty bitty bit.

Tomorrow, is the BIG day when I meet the Medical oncologist at the Cancer care centre - find out when I start chemotherapy , the details and the long list of side effects  that already terrify me and the big picture. It seems crazy to say I'm both looking forward to it and wishing it NEVER comes.


It will bring a sense of order and maybe control but today is not a good day.

I found out recently another mum from our former playgroup , a similar age to me, was diagnosed with Breast cancer a month prior to me. She has just started Chemo (1st dose) and is having a rough time.

Yesterday, at a 6th birthday party - other former playgroup friends in common , commented how odd is was that there were 2 of us in a group of maybe 20. It really isn't that odd because 1 in 8 will be diagnosed with Breast cancer.

Someone else, close to me, told they think her mother has breast cancer . Her mother lives 4000Km+ away. Tomorrow - her mother will find out more exactly the details. My eyes started to tear up upon hearing this news too.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.

Comments (51)

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You don't have to cheerful or brave all the time

Feel free to fall apart

We will catch you

Gentle hugs
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
Sending you much love and strength.
It's okay to rely on others strength to get through the days, hours, minutes or even seconds ♥
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
Totally ok to fall apart. Your positive outlook is such a breath of fresh air and so inspiring. Good luck for tomorrow x
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
love you beautiful... no one can be cheerful all the time.

Take some time to woe, it is good for you.

x
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
xx lots of love to you Trish xx
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
You have a right to feel as you do Trish. Let yourself grieve.
We have been with you this far, we will continue to be so.
One step at a time. xxX <3 Ooo
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
Sending love and prayers your way Trish.
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
Trish you are allowed to feel angry with the world. I know the ups and downs of grief. Still sending my hugs to and your family. Just remember to keep moving forward each day. Take each day as it comes.
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
You are so, so strong. It must be an unbelievable feeling, to fight this and yet you stay so humble. My mum had a scare the other week, it turned out to be a false alarm but so much went through my head, I can't imagine what her thoughts, or anyone else in that position must be thinking. Stay strong.
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
It would be exhausting to even try to be cheerful all the time. You are doing great and on those tough days, we will be there, sending you love and positive thoughts and prayers. Much love, lovely lady x
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
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Claireyhewitt · 677 weeks ago

Tomorrow it is ok to feel scard and worried too,
Xx
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
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Pink Ronnie · 677 weeks ago

Such a hard road…. holding you in my prayers.
Ronnie xo
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
one day at a time T. thinking of you xx
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
We're with you, Trish. All you really need to think about is the here and now. What is right for here and now. The rest will happen whether you think about it or not.

Big hugs to you...
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
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cat@jugglingact · 677 weeks ago

I have not been here in ages Trish, so this is all new to me. Lots and lots of love and prayers.
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
What a huge huge journey you've been on in such a small time frame. Please have the sads, go with the ranting.. Imagine that all of us who care are there when you want to shout out & let us help...but Trish, you know what you need to do, and say and feel..and I am glad to read this post. So sorry for the news and the pain...it truly is NOT right but it is what it is. Much love Denyse x
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2 replies · active 677 weeks ago
Thinking of you Trish. xxxx
1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
You have every right to feel like crap Trish. I know it will be hard road to travel..but you are one brave woman and I know you're thinking of your boys doing this. You will get through this. You're always, always in my thoughts. xx
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1 reply · active 677 weeks ago
Sending you love and hugs Trish
xxx
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You've been through so much, Trish. It's okay to feel what you're feeling today. It makes perfect sense.
Just wanted to let you know, we're all here for you.
Sending you love and prayers x
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I have been away for a while but you have remained in my thoughts and prayers.
You are a brave and beautiful woman. Be yourself and we will be here for you.
Sending love and hugs your way.
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Absolutely! You mustn't beat yourself up over having bad days. It's not possible to be a ray of sunshine through the entirety of this journey. What's important, is that under the pain, anger and sadness, there is strength and positivity, which WILL shine through, tomorrow or the next day, or whenever.

Hugs (gentle ones) and prayers still heading your way.

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Trish it is awful and you detailing it like that is really important - probably for you but also for others' understanding. I am so sorry.
Oh Trish! You do not need to be brave or cheerful for us, we are here to listen to your pain and to help you get out your thoughts and feelings. We love you so much through the web and those that have met you IRL.. I am so glad you are detailing what you are feeling for us and those who may be going through a similar issue or perhaps haven't gone to that doctor yet because of that niggling feeling!!

I hope you have a better day tomorrow and the next and the next! xx sending our prayers and love xx

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