Monday, 28 July 2008

Mischief managed ?

No, I don't have a magic wand but I wish I did and a time turner.

Harry Potter - Hermione's time turner .Image licensed under the Creative CommonsAttribution License v. 2.5:

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay

I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry
But baby

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time

My world was shattered, I was torn apart
Like somebody took a knife
And drove it deep in my heart
When you walked out that door
I swore that I didn't care
But I lost every thing darling then and there
Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and darling

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time, Baby

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time.

I am so thankful for all the friends I have made in this virtual world. However, I let it intrude too much into my real life and I let my relationship suffer. I spent too much time away from him and it caused a rift.

We drifted apart and I neglected my husband.My dearest friend in the whole world. It wasn't just blogging and my blog in the last 14 months .It maybe goes back further to when I frequented pregnancy loss forums after losing Charlotte, then infertility/IVF and then pregnancy forums.

The last 4 years have been very difficult, first we lost Charlotte, followed closely by two pets (one of 4yrs and another of 12yrs within 3 months not significant but part of the big picture), my Dad was being treated for Leukemia and he died very suddenly 5 days before Charlotte's first anniversary. A more people M knew passed away in a short period and it shook him.

Then our IVF journey and Twins' pregnancy - though we received the greatest gifts imaginable. It has still been a stressful three years even with the joyous and awesome responsibility of raising them.

I think I searched for comfort and support from others instead of him. Maybe they understood me more . I wanted their acceptance and understanding - he didn't meet my needs. Maybe I didn't give him enough of a chance. We grieved differently . I never wanted this but I can see now it needed to happen.

My husband had no one. They say it is different for men - maybe - they just don't get the same support. M says looking back that when we lost Charlotte was when it started to slide and go wrong.

Though there is more to it than I understand or can explain here. M also thinks I was too controlling and he let me be, to keep me happy. I don't think he will again.

M is a good man , a very good husband and Father. The last 2 weeks he has changed dramatically and it is as if he has been through a fire. Our relationship has too.

Like in the Aussie bush ...

the effects of fire in regenerating the bush can be dramatic. Immediately after a bushfire, the landscape might be charred and barren, completely black and seemingly devoid of life. Yet maybe only a few months later, the bush is re-born. Bushes and trees have begun to re-sprout and flower, and seeds that have been released and germinated by the blaze are taking root.
We can't spend our time sifting through the ashes. We have new bridges to build. We have to focus on the future and try not to make the same mistakes again.

We are talking and trying to renew our relationship slowly. It is still difficult and uncertain. It's still hard to know where it will take us.

Like the new growth it might take some time.Though there is forgiveness. The scars will remain but the pain will lessen, I hope. I have written M twenty pages of thoughts and feelings (save the trees darling and come home). It has been therapeutic. I wrote the things I couldn't say out loud and others I did especially 'sorry'.

Our family business plays a big part in it all too.

I have had plenty of time for some intense soul searching.The entire experience has been painful but I am going to cope it whatever way I can.The Lord has been with me through some very tough moments and he will be in the future.

On the teen front - I have recognised that I didn't manage my actions and behaviour well in relation to him. I picked on him over the small stuff. There was some other big stuff too I could have dealt with better. I have to continue to work on this. He is oblivious to what he does. For peace sake I have to let go and reduce my expectations of him.

~ ~
Oh on mischief ... how do I manage it - I don't. I thought you might know .
H E L P !
My little buddies are so mischievous - they have scaled new heights and are destructing everything. It's been dangerous ...but they have kept me in sane.

This has been the hardest thing caring for them by myself 24/7. I have a renewed respect for single parents. I really DO.

I still don't know what else to say enough said already. I have 'blog writers' block' and my heart is still heavy. I will be blogging again more regularly as soon as things settle down but not as much as before.

Thank you again for all your messages and emails of support. They were much appreciated.


Bettina said...

I'm confused. How does Tina Turner relate to Hermoines time turner and Cher?

I hope you manage to rebuild your relationships.


Xbox4NappyRash said...

You have my very best wishes, all of you.

Brightonwoman said...

I think the easiest way to handle exploring kiddos is to try to find an area (at least one room) that's totally safe. Not 'babyproof' per se, but a place where they can get into things and explore and pull stuff apart and not get hurt--nor do lasting damage to any of the stuff. Then try to spend a lot of time in that area. My little Bear is 18m, and while I'm sewing he likes to pull my fabrics off the shelf and drag them around on the floor...not ideal, but it keeps him entertained, allows me to work, and hey, fabric can always be washed again.
I try to remind myself often that he's not trying to cause trouble, he's just curious about the world, and trying to learn new things. I try to separate the "that's annoying" from "that is truly dangerous"...and if it's only annoying I try to let it go.
I'm sure it's twice as much fun with twins *wink* but there's all the ideas I have to offer. I hope maybe it helps a little.

Jenty said...

(((HUGS))) glad you're talking, and working it out. It'll take time.

womb for improvement said...

Good luck, hope it all works out.

jeanie said...

Hugs to you.

tiff said...

Thinking of you and the boys.

Lightening said...

I'm glad you're starting to work things through. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. The thing I LOVE about feed readers is that even if you can't post for a while, I'll still be here when you get back. Don't put pressure on yourself to post simply for the sake of it. It's your blog and ultimately there for you when you want or need it. :)

katef - said...

I've been thinking of you.... I am glad to hear you are all working through this together.
As for mischief... my only advice is to prepare yourself... it will get worse before it gets better, but then I guess that is the same with a lot of things *hugs*

Jayne said...

Thinking of you, hope things work out for you soon.

baby~amore' said...

@Bettina : I told you I was crazy and confused LOL I see it clearly now ...I am laughing !!! Sorry I have to edit it now.Glad you are paying attention girl A+++.

@xbox- thank you

@Brighton woman:thank you I have some rearranging to do now they climb higher.

@Jenty:thank you yes we have lots of time to do it right
@Womb for improvement:thank you

@Jeanie :thank you for your hugs (hugs are good)

@Tiff- thank you my friend

@Lightening: thanks I am catching up on a few reads as time permits. I still want to blog too.

@Kate : LOL I knew it - coming from another twin mum I have to prepare myself hey ... a padded room or two ! one for them and one for me.

@ Jayne:thank you so I do I.

Widdle Shamrock said...

Trish, I really connect with your comments on how we deal with grief differently.

You have had life experiences which statisically on their own, have a high divorce rate.

I am not saying that to bring gloom and doom, but to let you know you are not alone in your struggle here. It is common.

I feel priviledged to have read this. So honest. Thank you.

Mel said...

Trish you are all in my thoughts.

Alison said...

Enjoy the new growth :-)
Healing thoughts and prayers still with you and your guys.

M+B said...

As Widdle Shamrock said you have had some life experiences that shatter marriages and you've survived, your communication lines are still open, and there is progression... and there is lots of hope ((Hugs))

Suzie said...

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope it all works well well for all of oyu said...

Oh my goodness, have been wondering where you have been and fell so sad as i read this blog. The blog is not important friends will be there when you return but you need to put time in with your husband and teen. I pray you can pull it bakc together with a fresh start.

Crazed Mom said...

First thing~HUGS!
Second thing~it takes two. one person is never completely wrong nor completely right. grief is very hard on marriages because men and women grieve very differently. men can't realte to a child they haven't met, usually.
Third~don't let the teen manipulate. they do that whenever they can. You and your spouse need to discuss limits and ways to deal with oldest w/o kid's input.
Fourthly~having 2 babies and toddlers is very hard work. give yourself credit. they're happy and pretty healthy boys, good job mom.
Once again, a marriage consists of two people. Do not accept total blame or responsibility, it should be 50/50 ideally.

Love you, Janice

Laura said...

Wow, hon...I'm so sorry...I understand the rebuilding time... Remember that no matter what, your marriage is more important than blogging. Take your time, and do what you have to do to rebuild those special relationships! I'll be praying for you!

Just Me. said...

I read this with such a heavy heart. Babes has constantly said that I am on the computer too much. Maybe it's because like you, I felt that my blogger friends could understand me better.

Please do take good care of yourself. Take all the time you need with your DH and teen.

I'll wait for you to come back, as and when you're ready to.

Be good to yourself.

(((((((hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs)))))))))

Randall said...

When I got divorced everyone asked, "What happened". They seem to think one thing breaks up a relationship. My answer was, "Life is continual growth. Sometimes people grow together and sometimes they grow apart." The point is that you can't stop growing. Keep on keeping on. I know it hurts but, "This too shall pass".

Vixen said...

My thoughts, prayers and hopes are with you and your family. Best of luck, although really it is all hard work.

Tonya said...

I found your blog at Stirrup Queens. I am facing some similar issues in my marriage right now, but cannot blog about it. I am thinking of you, and hope you find your way day by day.

Tracey said...

Trish, I hardly know you, and I know your DS less, but I can't believe this has all been your fault. Not for one moment. If he felt alone, if he struggled, if he grieved, he had the same opportunities to reach out as you had. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and if you want to work it out with him, I hope you can. But please, please, understand that this is not solely your responsibility. It's not possible. It takes two to make a marriage work, conversely, two for it to fall over. I hope your faith brings you peace, and that you can see things for what they really are- whatever that may be. All your boys are lucky to have you, Trish. You are a very special person.

Lady in Red said...

*big hugs*

Hope things are settle down soon. It's really hard what you're going through I hope all of you come out the other end all right...


Sueblimely said...

The words of that song are so expressive of how we feel in these sort of situations. I will be thinking of you. x x x

Cathy said...

Another very brave of luck to you and your family xx

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