Monday, 28 July 2008

Mischief managed ?


No, I don't have a magic wand but I wish I did and a time turner.

Harry Potter - Hermione's time turner .Image licensed under the Creative CommonsAttribution License v. 2.5:http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/






If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay

I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes
I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry
But baby

[Chorus:]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time

My world was shattered, I was torn apart
Like somebody took a knife
And drove it deep in my heart
When you walked out that door
I swore that I didn't care
But I lost every thing darling then and there
Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and darling

[Chorus:]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time, Baby

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't wanna see you go
I know I made you cry

[Chorus:]
If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do
If I could turn back time.


I am so thankful for all the friends I have made in this virtual world. However, I let it intrude too much into my real life and I let my relationship suffer. I spent too much time away from him and it caused a rift.

We drifted apart and I neglected my husband.My dearest friend in the whole world. It wasn't just blogging and my blog in the last 14 months .It maybe goes back further to when I frequented pregnancy loss forums after losing Charlotte, then infertility/IVF and then pregnancy forums.

The last 4 years have been very difficult, first we lost Charlotte, followed closely by two pets (one of 4yrs and another of 12yrs within 3 months not significant but part of the big picture), my Dad was being treated for Leukemia and he died very suddenly 5 days before Charlotte's first anniversary. A more people M knew passed away in a short period and it shook him.

Then our IVF journey and Twins' pregnancy - though we received the greatest gifts imaginable. It has still been a stressful three years even with the joyous and awesome responsibility of raising them.

I think I searched for comfort and support from others instead of him. Maybe they understood me more . I wanted their acceptance and understanding - he didn't meet my needs. Maybe I didn't give him enough of a chance. We grieved differently . I never wanted this but I can see now it needed to happen.

My husband had no one. They say it is different for men - maybe - they just don't get the same support. M says looking back that when we lost Charlotte was when it started to slide and go wrong.

Though there is more to it than I understand or can explain here. M also thinks I was too controlling and he let me be, to keep me happy. I don't think he will again.

M is a good man , a very good husband and Father. The last 2 weeks he has changed dramatically and it is as if he has been through a fire. Our relationship has too.

Like in the Aussie bush ...

the effects of fire in regenerating the bush can be dramatic. Immediately after a bushfire, the landscape might be charred and barren, completely black and seemingly devoid of life. Yet maybe only a few months later, the bush is re-born. Bushes and trees have begun to re-sprout and flower, and seeds that have been released and germinated by the blaze are taking root.
We can't spend our time sifting through the ashes. We have new bridges to build. We have to focus on the future and try not to make the same mistakes again.

We are talking and trying to renew our relationship slowly. It is still difficult and uncertain. It's still hard to know where it will take us.

Like the new growth it might take some time.Though there is forgiveness. The scars will remain but the pain will lessen, I hope. I have written M twenty pages of thoughts and feelings (save the trees darling and come home). It has been therapeutic. I wrote the things I couldn't say out loud and others I did especially 'sorry'.

Our family business plays a big part in it all too.

I have had plenty of time for some intense soul searching.The entire experience has been painful but I am going to cope it whatever way I can.The Lord has been with me through some very tough moments and he will be in the future.

On the teen front - I have recognised that I didn't manage my actions and behaviour well in relation to him. I picked on him over the small stuff. There was some other big stuff too I could have dealt with better. I have to continue to work on this. He is oblivious to what he does. For peace sake I have to let go and reduce my expectations of him.


~ ~
Oh on mischief ... how do I manage it - I don't. I thought you might know .
H E L P !
My little buddies are so mischievous - they have scaled new heights and are destructing everything. It's been dangerous ...but they have kept me in sane.

This has been the hardest thing caring for them by myself 24/7. I have a renewed respect for single parents. I really DO.

I still don't know what else to say enough said already. I have 'blog writers' block' and my heart is still heavy. I will be blogging again more regularly as soon as things settle down but not as much as before.

Thank you again for all your messages and emails of support. They were much appreciated.


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