Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Handle with care - domestic violence behind closed doors ?

Would you stop to help someone involved in a domestic on a lonely country road ?

Today, as I drove home from shopping in town, I noticed a well dressed lady walking - clearly not for leisure or exercise - with her hand bag and a car following slowly . I passed them with caution and pulled into the driveway of a nearby farm [gate] up the road.

I thought I saw the lady hurl herself and handbag at the car in the middle of road. The car turned and drove off . After it passed me, I went to check she was ok and offered to drive her somewhere. (It was 17km walk into town along country road and not particularly safe anytime , especially once you got to the highway). I was 3km from home.

She jumped in without hesitation (I must look safe) maybe she was scared ? relieved?. She was a bit teary , said she was in a mess but ok. He had told her to get out of the car , so she did. "To stand up for myself !"

She wanted to go to the local train / bus station and travel 750kms far west (from her partner) to her sister. She had recently lost her Mum (Diagnosed with Cancer and passed away within 6 weeks) , was grieving and had some issues with partner over her Mum's death and being away.  She chatted on the 15min trip back into town, mostly I listened. She told me her name and a bit about what was happening and wanting to stand up for herself and said she probably did /said the wrong thing too - made him angry and frustrated.


By the time we got to town , she had changed her mind. I think she would have lucked out on the bus /train anyway [I checked it is a 2 day trip - and she would have to go to Sydney first.]

She asked that I drop her at the Bank (because she had thrown the credit card at him as he'd demanded it back - what I saw when I thought she was throwing something at the car) and said she might have a bite to eat and think things over.

I did offer her a safe place if needed ; she told me where she lives. She didn't say she was in any danger and she was happy to leave her two children ( < 5yrs) with him (they were at preschool)

Why did I stop - because last night I finished Liane Moriarty's (a review for another day)

big 
little 
lies

One of the themes Liane's book plugs into is domestic violence.

The Lady was literally describing her behaviour like the character in the book.

Mind you , I was so focused on the lady I couldn't tell you the colour or make of the car , only that is was a 4WD. I didn't see the man. I'd make a pathetic witness...

Who knows what goes on behind closed suburban doors or bushy farm gates or right in the middle of country back road ?

In a few days, I am wondering if I should drop a card in her letter box (She lives on a property, not in suburbia) so I doubt I could drive by and see her out and about.

It's still bugging me - what would you do ?

 

Comments (28)

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I'd be hesitant to drop a letter in her mailbox, only because I would be worried that he could find it first and it would make things more difficult for her. I'm unsure what I'd do though. Is it possible to find out what her phone number is?
It's a hard situation and good on you for stopping and helping her out.
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1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
That is such a tough decision and such a sad tale.
You are a kind soul and great person. Many wouldn't have stopped. I would like to think that I would have stopped.
The card sounds like a lovely idea but in the back of my mind I worry about what 'type' of man he is. Could there be a cryptic way to leave a message? Maybe just "thinking of you, please call if you ever need anything" and your name/number.
I'm saying a little prayer that she is okay. xx
1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
Good on you for stopping and being that ear and caring. It would have made such a huge difference to her. I hope she is ok. I think I would be curious to check on her. Id probably drop off a card with my contact on it for if she needed assistance or offer to have coffee. Even if things with her man are repaired she is someone grieving and a little bit of nurturing could be needed. I always like to help if all in my life is well and I have the capacity.
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1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
I personally dont know what to do either - it is always hard to know what to do in these situations. I think stopping like you did was great and her talking to you showed she needed to talk. Maybe a really general note for a catch over tea/coffee is she wants. Sorry I am not much help in this situation as so many unknowns. take care xx
1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
that is a really tough one Trish. I like to think I'd have stopped in the first place, but I don't know! I like the idea of trying to get a phone number but I'm not sure how you'd do that. Keep us posted won't you? She is lucky you were driving by. x
1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
Oh I really don't know what I would do. I think you were very brave to stop and offer her a list in the first place. It's hard to know when to step in a be the good samaritan when there can be the fear of retribution these days. I agree with Tegan in that you may antagonise the situation if he gets the card first...such a toughie...good luck
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1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
Trish, talk about in the right place at the right time, you were like a proper Guardian Angel. I am sure she really appreciated you being there and being having someone to talk to you. I wouldn't know what to do next either. It's so tricky. Your heart is made of gold, I swear!
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1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
It sounds like she could do with a friend, but how involved do you want to get? Maybe drop her a letter in the mail. It is hard to know. It must be hard to have lost her mum and be so isolated. Hopefully you cross paths with her again in happier circumstances, good on for stopping, it was probably just what she needed that day.
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1 reply · active 559 weeks ago
You are very special to have stopped. If you had the chance to see her and tell her that you are thinking of her and hope she is ok, that would be good, but otherwise, you have done quite a bit already.

I would like to think I would stop, and do just as you did, but until we are all in that exact situation you just never know.
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I think the fact that you stopped and helped her will go far. She now hopefully knows there are people willing to listen who would help if she wants to reach out. Xxx deb
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So a hard thing but if you leave a note he might see it and she might get in her grief. Maybe you could leave a message for her at the bank or another place she goes to. I think you might have done all you can, she will remember she has a safe person if she decides to do something about it. Keep us updated x
You did the right thing by stopping and giving her a lift. Now she knows she is not alone. Maybe you could stop by with a "cake" to say hi and see what happens from there? But be very careful, take care of you too xxx
I have done exactly the same. Woman walking down a road, obviously upset - no pavement and a very busy dual carriageway, so I guessed she had got out of a car. It was evening, she was wearing a tiny dress and carrying her bag. I asked my partner to pull into the next lay-by and I walked back to her, telling him to stay in the car in case two people walking up to her scared her. I talked to her and she said her boyfriend had told her to get out of the car, so she did. I explained that my partner was in our car and we would take her anywhere she wanted to go. We dropped her off where she wanted to be, I asked if she needed anything else and she said she would be fine. I wondered the same as you - how much more should I do/have done? Have to say, not sure I'd do the same thing again: I just remember seeing her and feeling I had to stop and help, but I wouldn't necessarily say it was a smart move or that everyone should do the same in that situation.
I think you did good in helping her to get away for a while and reach out to talk to someone. At least you are now aware, and much closer than her sister is. Maybe you can keep in contact via mobile and just have tea or something together the week after to check on how she is doing.
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A disturbing post, Trish, and a lot of food for thought. You were a kind and supportive, though random, stranger, and your listening would've helped her, but only in the moment.

I think a card in the letterbox is a good idea. I'd be bright and breezy and not allude to her stress or the car incident. Just a little 'hello' and suggestion for coffee, cake and a chat. It's an olive branch she may want and need, but unfortunately I think there's a high probability that she won't want to meet to discuss her problems. Domestic violence is so insidious it often affects the victim's ability to be independent and proactive. :)
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Your kind action of stopping may give her some hope in the future. It often takes more than one time for someone to leave. You are a brave woman.
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I grew up with domestic violence. It scares me that she said she did or said something wrong. I think you definetly did the right thing by stopping. The note sounds like a good idea, but if he's monitoring her mail then the note may need to say something very simple like "it was nice meeting you the other day. If you ever want to go for a coffee, here's my number." That way it says you're another woman (not a man to be jealous of), it says nothing about what you talked about, and it gives her the ability to seek you out when she might need you.
My dad monitored everything, and recorded us, recorded my mum on video, tracked her in her car. These controlling men do freaky things. Good on you for caring so much! Here for FYBF
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Good on you Trish. You did the right thing.
I wouldn't think it would be wrong to drop a note in the letter box and ask if she wants to catch up for a coffee? Even if her partner sees it first, if you don't write anything obvious, I'm sure he will just think you're a friend saying hi. It would be good to keep a door open for her.
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