Monday, 25 June 2012

I must confess ...

Firstly , I've been promising Kirsty I would join her meme for a long time. Forgive me .... I have a lot to confess.

I am still in limbo regarding the full pathology results after the mastectomy and axillary clearance. So far so good. I've have a lot of time to think about 'what if's' while in hospital.

Some say the worse is over now that my breast (s) and the cancer is gone.The drains are still uncomfortable but necessary. Once they're gone I won't have much pain (I hope).

The exercises to restore full arm movement have commenced.I starting walking on treadmill later today.

The proposed chemotherapy regime and hormone therapy treatment is more than mopping up. It is not to be taken lightly.




I have long dark brown hair and I don't colour my hair. I've been lucky to have only a handful of greys. I confess I glad of all the money I've saved - not. I've only added a semi permanent colour maybe 2 -3 times ever.I mostly tie my hair back in a pony tail. I'm practical.

A legacy of being a lazy nurse who preferred sleep to hairstyling. My hair do took me 3 mins, tops (after washing of course). I could even go to work with damp hair pulled back.

It was also easier, with twins , to care for it with just a brush and a hair elastic. I've thought about a style change a few times but I was too lazy to get out and do it.

Faced with the real possibility of losing my hair slowly or rapidly in distressing clumps , clogging the drains and my spirits, I want to do something positive first.

To get used to it.
The loss won't be permanent , just annoying.
It might not be the same when it grows back.
Deal with it.




I confess I am more worried about how other people will see me ...I do not want to look like Gollan (google him). I do not want pity or stares or want to worry my little boys.

The physical stripping away of my femininity is highly emotive. I care less about my breasts.

I know there is Look good feel better course I can do http://lgfb.org.au/lgfb_wp/.
I will .


I've enough body issues before this with visible skin lumps , cafe au last spots , a wonky eye and a titanium screw in my head. I am not beautiful , nor vain but I don't want to look like a freak.

The idea of hiding away for months is appealing.
I could do it out on our farm.
Not practical .
Not really what I want .

I am not in utter despair.
I confess I have barely cried , undoubtably the tears will come as a relief.

I am so grateful my almost six year olds are now experienced bus travelers.
No one will see me at the property bus stop.I could live in pjs ; they are comfy.

I've realised today my wig options may be limited because of my bone anchored hearing aid prosthesis {screw} behind my right ear ...I can't occlude my hearing aid nor the screw that sits out on the hairline. Hats are tricky too. They make my hearing aid buzz and squeal if they touch it, if I don't get the right one.

I know we will figure it out. I found this site for short hair styles for women in 40's ...I will link later .

Those who know me , please tell me what you think ? Will this suit me ?




I am going to CHOP my hair , all - off next week once my drains are out. I found a few more styles I just can't add links with blogpress ...

My new hair-do won't last long before I'm likely to go bald.
Like an answer to a prayer , that hadn't passed my lips , a lovely friend sent me a link to her friend's business . She is a survivor who makes head coverings , specially designed scarves for cancer patients.

My hubby asked if I'll go blonde ...highly unlikely .
Maybe pink or purple ;-)
Do blondes have more fun ?

I like this look too.



I will save my plait to use to make my own wig if practical and affordable , or I will donate it for another organisation to make someone else's wig like- locks of love.

I feel very overwhelmed reading 'what if's regarding my body being chemically forced into early menopause and that is a whole other post. Still it is giving me a little more control about the dozens of questions I need to ask.

Someone , not just one person told me , said she bet hundreds of women checked their breasts last week after hearing my news. I hope you all did and continue to do regularly.



Posted using BlogPress from my iPad so forgive my grammar, autocorrect and lack of links.

Comments (49)

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Kirsty@MyHomeTruths's avatar

Kirsty@MyHomeTruths · 680 weeks ago

Trish, I must confess that I am in awe of your strength facing the diagnosis, commencing your treatment and sharing your progress. I must also confess that I was one of those women who checked my breasts last week - you have certainly already done so much to raise awareness of this in the community.

For hairstyles, I've always loved the short pixie look hairstyle - it's looked so good in the past on Kylie when she was undergoing her breast cancer treatment and others like Natalie Portman too.

Thanks for linking up - thinking of you and hoping the pathology results are better than expected.
My recent post I Must Confess…I Have Nothing This Week
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
yes I love the pixie cut as well, I am sure it would suit you to a tea. You really are an inspiration, sharing your journey like you are. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely, my candle of thoughts is still burning for you
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I love the pixie cut. But do you know what? When I see women that have lost their hair to illness, I've never in my life seen a negative. (Obviously I don't mean it's not a negative for them). I swear to you, I see dignity and grace and strength, for I know they are in the battle of their lives and are summoning a strength unimaginable to most. I see them as beautiful, battle scars on display - inspiring and someone to be cherished, respected. I understand the desire to hide, to wear a wig or a hat. But I wish society didn't place that pressure on us. On you. If you lose your hair, that smooth, beautiful head of yours will not make you a freak. It will show the world you are a warrior.
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Well, I must confess to always wanting to try out short hair on myself but it's just so curly/wavy/frizzy that I dare not do it! But I'm sure you will be just as beautiful as you are now :)
I understand the whole 'losing your femininity' aspect of it. In my mind, losing my boobs is "hide-able" and doesn't need to be a visible sign of cancer, but hair... well, that's our "crowning glory"! And it isn't easy to hide the fact that there's none there and that everyone will know. But be so what?! Stand up, be proud, show that you're fighting this and you'll beat it! xx
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Hi Trish, just a quick note to let you know I've been thinking of you daily, and adding my prayers to so many others' I'm sure.

That hair cut is very cute, easy to manage too I bet.

I think head scarves are really cool and they don't need to be expensive. A mum at my daughter's school was wearing them for a while. She always looked so stylish and now she has a cute pixie hairdo she wears with long earrings. I would look up pinterest or something for ideas on how to wear them so I didn't accidentally make myself look like a pirate though lol!!!

And are your ears pierced or are you able to get a lovely new choker or necklace to wear when you go out?

I hope you're feeling more comfortable soon. xx Marilyn
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I think you will look adorable with a pixie cut
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I love the pixie look. I think it would suit you. You are amazing, Trish. x
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Short hair is awesome! Takes no time at all to wash and style :-)

Grief is a funny thing, it can hit you like a tonne of bricks, or creep up on you slowly. I suspect that it will come when you are able to cope with it.

Much love drifting your way.
My recent post Things I Know - Love and Glasses
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I like the pixie cut. I had one for a long time. It will suit you.

Hope that you can find some distractions while you wait. Waiting is so very hard. xx

I must confess to not being able to write much at all at the moment because I feel as though everything I say is small compared to your strength and grace.
My recent post Learning.
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
go short. Go blue. To match your blog.

x
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Trish, I think I mentioned to you that I used the hair loss as an opportunity. As someone with very thick, very dark, very curly hair, I had a chance to have straight, blonde hair for the first time in my life. Everyone loved it, so much so that some wanted me to try and keep the look once my hair grew back. Unfortunately my hair grew back, just as it was before I lost it, so unless I shave my head... no more straight blonde hair for me. I DO however get the nervousness about the hair loss. It's different for everyone, for me it was my beautiful eyelashes going that hurt the most.
My recent post TO POP OR NOT???
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
NOW... on the UPSIDE.... You will probably lose almost ALL of your hair! This IS a good thing. You will save a fortune on shampoo and conditioner. You will save tons of time by virtue of not having to shave/wax your legs. And believe me... there will be times when the last thing you want to contemplate is shaving legs, or plucking eyebrows. EASY, you won't HAVE TO!!! WIN!!!!
My recent post TO POP OR NOT???
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I STRONGLY recommend the "Look Good Feel Better" Program. take a friend or relative with you, it's good fun, and you'll see just how not alone you are in this journey. Some in your group will have already experienced their hair loss, others will be dreading it just as you are. The ladies who run the session are very experienced, they'll have heaps of tips and tricks, and will help you feel very comfortable. They introduced me to a very soft, very colourful turban, which was my absolute favourite when I didn't feel like wearing the wig. It's actually a soft, stretchy tube of fabric that you twist to make a turban. Keep an eye out for it, it's not as dificult as it sounds. Mine is bright pinks, oranges, greens and blues. So cheerful and so comfortable. I ALWAYS had admiring comments when I wore it :-)

PS - I LOVE the Pixie hairdo. I'd have it myself if I could :-)
My recent post TO POP OR NOT???
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
You would rock the pixie haircut, you've got the bone structure and face for it, Trish.
Yep, I sure did check my boobs since last week - have been regularly since you told us.
The Reject Shops have a turban twistie thing MayhemMischief mentioned above, it's meant for after shower de tangling but it's a nice, soft material you could wear out.
Another way to help your boys not be scared might be to get them to 'paint' your head with food colouring.
xxx
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Trish I have a few friends who higly recommended the 'Look good feel better" program - I hope it gives you some 'feel better' too. I reckon that pixie look is fabulous - go for it if you like it. Wishing you endless strength and cuddles with your kids and a quick healing process.
My recent post I Love Mothering, and Other Things - My Rat Brain
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
I think going short is a good start, Trish and you never know, you may decided you like to keep it that way. I've also heard of Look Good Feel Better - another friend did this and found it very positive and helpful.

I'm another one who was finally forced into checking my own breasts after hearing of your diagnosis. I needed that kick up the bum. Thanks. xx
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Thinking of you Trish and yes I was one of those women you helped remind to check their breasts.
My beautiful mum and lovely step mum both survived breast cancer but I have neglected to check myself lately.
I have been so caught up with all that has been happening with my poor mums health decline that myself and my breasts were the last thing on my mind.
Thankyou for sharing your story and in doing so may save a life.Save a family.Bless you.Big hugs.Xx
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Pixie cuts are awesome - I am sure you will look great. Love that you're doing something positive for yourself - and doing a pre-emptive strike on your own terms. I decided to do that too. I had long hair when I got cancer too. I decided on Day 2 that I'd cut it in a cute short hairstyle - for exactly the same reasons you are doing it. It was something I'd never had the guts to do before. The first step in many gutsy moves on the journey! But given I had little choice. The thought of maintaining long hair during chemo was impractical. Losing short hair was so much easier to deal with than long strands (I can imagine). Much like you, I grieved my hair loss so much - it scared me almost more than the treatment - because of the loss of femininity etc.. But you know what? It really didn't look too bad AND it didn't last too long. I'd advise not thinking about wigs until after the first couple of treatments. I wore hats and scarves (canteen bandanas too). I tried on wigs at my Look Good Feel Better course, but they weren't quite right. And before I knew it, my hair grew back. And you know what? It grew back healthier than ever. Fresh hair! Sorry about the long comment... just wanted to reassure you that you will be beautiful in pixie cut, beautiful with no hair, and beautiful with hats on too! :) xxx
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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
The pixie cut will definitely suit you Trish! And then...there's also scarves when you're feeling "retro" - very chic I assure you! Or like Charlize Theron and pop on a hat! Chic to the max!!! :)
My recent post Beauty from the Inside & Out
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Claireyhewitt's avatar

Claireyhewitt · 680 weeks ago

Oh Trish, your hair will look amazing.

Enjoy the freedom of cutting your hair anyway you want.

DO NOT hide your self anywhere. Remember that a bald head is also something to be proud of. Never ever have I heard someone undergoing chemo who has lost their hair described as ugly or a freak. Much more the opposite. beautiful women and men, dealing couragously with what life has thrown at them.

When it happens, wear your bald head with pride, protect it from the cold and the sun with scarfs that work for you, go fancy or plain or crazy. You will still be you, an amazing and kind and wonderful woman. And as it grows back, you can have a new style every couple of weeks!
1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
The pixie cut is very cute and will be a lot more comfortable in the weeks ahead. Good planning.

My son's hair is falling out too, what with the radiation and chemo. So your words are hitting very close to home. I know, more than most, how your family and friends are aching for you and how they wish they could fix this. I just want to wrap my arms around my son and have him understand how precious he is.

I hope that your pain resolves soon and you regain some mobility. Use all the drugs!

Hugs and warm wishes for your complete recovery. XXXXX

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1 reply · active 680 weeks ago
Yes my friend, you will have inspired so many by sharing your story.

Here's something that i wrote previously about looking fab when you've lost your locks, might help with the road ahead x Andrea http://www.foxinflats.com.au/2011/08/bald-hair-lo...
I say do what makes you happy. Play with colour, look at scarves what ever you love most of all. Have fun with make up and jewellery.

My thoughts are with you and your family
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I don't know you personally but I always find the Pixie cut such a powerful look for some reason. I love it. But do what makes you feel great. I know you have a bumpy road ahead. It is very heartening to read all of the incredible messages of support above. You won't be walking this path alone. xo
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