Monday, 25 June 2012

I must confess ...

Firstly , I've been promising Kirsty I would join her meme for a long time. Forgive me .... I have a lot to confess.

I am still in limbo regarding the full pathology results after the mastectomy and axillary clearance. So far so good. I've have a lot of time to think about 'what if's' while in hospital.

Some say the worse is over now that my breast (s) and the cancer is gone.The drains are still uncomfortable but necessary. Once they're gone I won't have much pain (I hope).

The exercises to restore full arm movement have commenced.I starting walking on treadmill later today.

The proposed chemotherapy regime and hormone therapy treatment is more than mopping up. It is not to be taken lightly.

I have long dark brown hair and I don't colour my hair. I've been lucky to have only a handful of greys. I confess I glad of all the money I've saved - not. I've only added a semi permanent colour maybe 2 -3 times ever.I mostly tie my hair back in a pony tail. I'm practical.

A legacy of being a lazy nurse who preferred sleep to hairstyling. My hair do took me 3 mins, tops (after washing of course). I could even go to work with damp hair pulled back.

It was also easier, with twins , to care for it with just a brush and a hair elastic. I've thought about a style change a few times but I was too lazy to get out and do it.

Faced with the real possibility of losing my hair slowly or rapidly in distressing clumps , clogging the drains and my spirits, I want to do something positive first.

To get used to it.
The loss won't be permanent , just annoying.
It might not be the same when it grows back.
Deal with it.

I confess I am more worried about how other people will see me ...I do not want to look like Gollan (google him). I do not want pity or stares or want to worry my little boys.

The physical stripping away of my femininity is highly emotive. I care less about my breasts.

I know there is Look good feel better course I can do
I will .

I've enough body issues before this with visible skin lumps , cafe au last spots , a wonky eye and a titanium screw in my head. I am not beautiful , nor vain but I don't want to look like a freak.

The idea of hiding away for months is appealing.
I could do it out on our farm.
Not practical .
Not really what I want .

I am not in utter despair.
I confess I have barely cried , undoubtably the tears will come as a relief.

I am so grateful my almost six year olds are now experienced bus travelers.
No one will see me at the property bus stop.I could live in pjs ; they are comfy.

I've realised today my wig options may be limited because of my bone anchored hearing aid prosthesis {screw} behind my right ear ...I can't occlude my hearing aid nor the screw that sits out on the hairline. Hats are tricky too. They make my hearing aid buzz and squeal if they touch it, if I don't get the right one.

I know we will figure it out. I found this site for short hair styles for women in 40's ...I will link later .

Those who know me , please tell me what you think ? Will this suit me ?

I am going to CHOP my hair , all - off next week once my drains are out. I found a few more styles I just can't add links with blogpress ...

My new hair-do won't last long before I'm likely to go bald.
Like an answer to a prayer , that hadn't passed my lips , a lovely friend sent me a link to her friend's business . She is a survivor who makes head coverings , specially designed scarves for cancer patients.

My hubby asked if I'll go blonde ...highly unlikely .
Maybe pink or purple ;-)
Do blondes have more fun ?

I like this look too.

I will save my plait to use to make my own wig if practical and affordable , or I will donate it for another organisation to make someone else's wig like- locks of love.

I feel very overwhelmed reading 'what if's regarding my body being chemically forced into early menopause and that is a whole other post. Still it is giving me a little more control about the dozens of questions I need to ask.

Someone , not just one person told me , said she bet hundreds of women checked their breasts last week after hearing my news. I hope you all did and continue to do regularly.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad so forgive my grammar, autocorrect and lack of links.