Monday, 22 June 2009

Bargains with God

Two women each sitting in their own bathroom.

“99% accurate in less than 2 mins” says the marketing spiel...aimed at both extremes of the women holding the thin strip between trembling fingers. Each nervously anticipating the result with a tumultuous heart beating and holding their breath.

It is a graceless act, peeing on a stick (or into a miniscule cup), that could hurl our emotions and either send them soaring or over the edge.

One line with the potential to change a lifetime.

Some have no need to read the instructions.

Each women tries to imagine the result they want.

Their life (and perhaps another [or two]) rests on a line.

How different a life it will be ... if it is or if it is not the desired outcome.

Even those who don’t believe in God are just as likely to screw shut their eyes and make bargains with God or a higher deity.

Praying as they are counting down...

Please God I’ll believe if you give me an

...empty window

Oh ‘ God it has to be Negative!

No listen to me God ...I’ll give my right kidney for a positive!

Just let there be two lines (pink or blue depends on the brand).

It’s not too hard Lord.

Is it?

Why can’t we all get what we want ?

You would think it has to balance out - those who want it more than anything in this world vs. those can’t think of anything worse.

So Me ...

The day I saw my first, two pink lines was just over 5 years ago @ 37yrs. I did another test a few minutes later to make sure.

I ‘d (we) waited a long time , 14 years married , over 12 years infertility - hope all but given up. We were already parents to an adopted son but this was something different.

One line (actually two) changed everything in my life, for all of time.

We had a few months of joyful anticipation till our dream was tragically shattered. No bargains possible. No one can take away the fact we created a precious baby girl who, though we never got to know in this lifetime, we will love forever.

I only got to cradle her briefly in my arms, trying to rock a lifetime of love into her still body. I hoped it was enough, though I knew she felt nothing. I had nothing left in me to bargain with.

I am so thankful we were given another chance with two lines.

By the grace of God, almost three years ago, two precious and blessed boys came to grace our lives in a way I never imagined possible the day I saw even my first two lines.

The whole of their ‘pregnancy’ I bargained with God daily, hourly to let them be born alive , let them live. I still do to this day. I will forever.

Welcome to ICLW ...if you are visiting you can read my full story here.

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Brenda said...

Oh Trish, I am so sorry for your loss. God truly works in mysterious ways. Your faith in Him is what keeps you strong every single day.xx

Blossom said...

sigh....infertility is such a mean thing......

I am so sad you lost your sweet girl but I am glad you got your twins to have here on earth.

gentle hugs

Mum-me said...

A very moving post, and so full of truth.

I did read your story a few months ago, and I cannot being to imagine your pain.

I have been one of those who hoped for a negative result and was plunged into despair at the thought of another pregnancy. Yet I also pray every day, almost every moment, that God will protect my children. Because now they are here I cannot imagine life without them.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

So sorry for your loss. I pray each day for God to protect my kids too.

nh said...

Powerful words...I'm sorry for you loss, but after so much pain I'm glad you got your boys.

Anonymous said...

I so remember peeing on those sticks, several times. Loss of a babe no matter the age is so hard.

It really irks me when people say to me, "Oh, you only have one child? Why no brother or sister - they must be spoilt" Oh bugger off.

I understand your pain and send you many healing thoughts.

Erika said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. I know your boys don't take away the pain or sorrow of your loss, but what a blessing they each must be!


Stacie said...


I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

This is a beautiful post--so heartfelt and real. Oh, how those meaning of those two little lines vary due to perspective. I just wish that we all got to see the result our hearts yearn for most.

Sending love your way. Hugs.

Wendy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - thank you for sharing your feelings.

sassy said...

That was a beautiful post, really moving, and your boys are very beautiful. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

I've been doing some of my own bargaining lately... I hope he's listening. Tomorrow I'll have the result...

M+B said...

A beautiful post. I am so glad you have your gorgeous boys. I know they won't take the pain of losing Charlotte completely away...


Kacy said...

That post made my heart hurt. Infertility is not easy.



Frogdancer said...

Are those boys nearly three? Already?
Gee, time flies.

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