Monday, 25 May 2009

On Loss ...

I don't talk much about losing my first baby, my still 'born' daughter .
Certainly the hard days are fewer and fewer.
On Mothers' day I felt her loss and her presence.
I remembered the day just over 5 years ago, my first positive pregnancy test held between my trembling fingers after 12years infertility.
I remembered the changes we made buying and moving house.
The emotions flooding from fear to elation back then ...I was a parent already of an adoptive son but it was still my first 'known' pregnancy.
I had no idea of what was ahead of me ...
Not long after I had our first scan , then another at 12 weeks ... then the one that told us 'she' was 'she'.
It was all over too soon ...
Saying goodbye before we got to say hello .
A final gut-wrenching scan so there were no doubts ...after my OB couldn't find her heartbeat @26weeks at a regular appointment.
No doubts ... except how was I ever going to deal with the reality of losing my long awaited baby girl and the pain.
It is easy now I no longer focus on the raw emotions . I fumbled my way through in the begining. I had no clue . I didn't know anyone who had lost their baby.
So what do you do...

You wake up everyday and breath.
You believe in yourself that you can get through this.
You remember that this is as bad as it gets, from here, each day, you will survive and sunshine is never to far away.
You hug each other.
You find people to support you and you ask for help when you need it.
You remember that its ok to cry.

You will be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take each day as it comes, don't think to far ahead and tell yourself everyday that you can only do your best.

YOU WILL get through this
This advice I found recently ...and it is really good.

'You find people to support you'.
The other was to find and surround myself with friends who had cried & crawled walked the same journey(s) , hand in hand , side by side , leaning on one another when we needed to.
Some, still now, are real life friends. Some I have never met . We went on to share subsequent infertility / pregnancy journeys and parenting after loss.
Yes, we still meet and talk about the days of empty arms and broken hearts.

I Rewound this at the Pink Fibro 12/2/2011

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