Monday, 25 May 2009

On Loss ...

I don't talk much about losing my first baby, my still 'born' daughter .
Certainly the hard days are fewer and fewer.
On Mothers' day I felt her loss and her presence.
I remembered the day just over 5 years ago, my first positive pregnancy test held between my trembling fingers after 12years infertility.
I remembered the changes we made buying and moving house.
The emotions flooding from fear to elation back then ...I was a parent already of an adoptive son but it was still my first 'known' pregnancy.
I had no idea of what was ahead of me ...
Not long after I had our first scan , then another at 12 weeks ... then the one that told us 'she' was 'she'.
It was all over too soon ...
Saying goodbye before we got to say hello .
A final gut-wrenching scan so there were no doubts ...after my OB couldn't find her heartbeat @26weeks at a regular appointment.
No doubts ... except how was I ever going to deal with the reality of losing my long awaited baby girl and the pain.
It is easy now I no longer focus on the raw emotions . I fumbled my way through in the begining. I had no clue . I didn't know anyone who had lost their baby.
So what do you do...

You wake up everyday and breath.
You believe in yourself that you can get through this.
You remember that this is as bad as it gets, from here, each day, you will survive and sunshine is never to far away.
You hug each other.
You find people to support you and you ask for help when you need it.
You remember that its ok to cry.

You will be surprised at the strength you find in yourself. Take each day as it comes, don't think to far ahead and tell yourself everyday that you can only do your best.

YOU WILL get through this
This advice I found recently ...and it is really good.

'You find people to support you'.
The other was to find and surround myself with friends who had cried & crawled walked the same journey(s) , hand in hand , side by side , leaning on one another when we needed to.
Some, still now, are real life friends. Some I have never met . We went on to share subsequent infertility / pregnancy journeys and parenting after loss.
Yes, we still meet and talk about the days of empty arms and broken hearts.

I Rewound this at the Pink Fibro 12/2/2011

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Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing.

Naomi said...

Hi Trish. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Great to 'meet' another twin mummy out there :)

Blossom said...

gentle hugs hon.....gentle hugs.

Natalie said...

An aching loss, just so sad. You are right though, about the inner strength we are not aware of, until we have to summon it up.Hugs to you.xx♥

Mum-me said...

That was very touching. I am glad I have not had to experience this, but it was very helpful to hear it from the perspective of someone who has because a friend has recently lost her baby. I just don't know what to say except 'I'm so sorry' and I don't think that works very well.

LupronGirl said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! What poignant words you have written about the loss of your daughter. Hugs to you and your precious boys!!

Childlife said...

A loss one never forgets. Thinking of you, Trish... we lost our first the first week of June -- nine years ago. I still wonder and miss the might have beens that never were.

Hugs to you today,

Michelle @ In the Life of a Child

(I'm still following your lovely blog, BTW -- I've just turned into one of those dreadful bloggers that posts whenever the whim strikes and fails woefully in the commenting department ;) )

jon and tracy g said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. :)

Thanks for stopping by my blog.


A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a beautiful tribute to your sweet little girl. You explained your feelings of loss so eloquently.


Jayne said...

It's getting through the heavy glue-like days that are hard, despite all the love and support offered.

Debbie said...

What a beautiful and sad post. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced years of infertility and a miscarriage as well. It is an extremely painful road.

Dina said...

Sorry for your loss : (

I imagine it's so hard to feel okay again. But I guess eventually people manage to do that.

I'm glad you found friends to help you through it.

WiseGuy said...

The pain of a loss never goes swims in our mind somewhere...sometimes it comes to the surface, or it finds a rock to rest on...

All the best!


Secret Mom Thoughts said...

So sorry you went through this. Thanks for sharing.

Beautiful Mess said...

You described it so beautifully. I don't know the loss of a child, but I do know of loss and i have heard the pain does lessen over time. It sounds like form your words, that is the case. I pray for you to enjoy the memories you have of your beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing her with us.

jeanie said...

I don't know about losing a child - I haven't felt that anguish - but I do know that mourning is a journey that you need to have friends around you on - even if you don't always need them right next to you, knowing you are supported is a big step.


My Endo Journey said...

I don't think that kind of pain can ever go away. :( Thank you for sharing!


Astrid said...

This is so beautiful and inspiring. I really found some things I will repeat to myself daily in this post. Thank you!

magikquilter said...

Trish I did not see this post yesterday, you have been so much and are going through so much and you are right it's one day at a time, sometimes for years before you start to feel you can breathe again

I have not experienced loss but for the first two years of our son's life we were not sure if he would live and what sort of state he would be in if he did so I know the anguish of not knowing and the pain of what seems to be the imperfect.

Thank you for your honesty here and your willingness to share

allison tait said...

So sad Trish. Great advice though - support and breathing are both very good things!

Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.

Tat said...

My heart aches for you. It's good that you've found support and it will be fair to say that the blogging community is there for you, as well.

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