Thursday, 12 June 2014

Serendipity becomes Zemblanity and an Update.

Firstly, HOORAY ! I just finished my last #30 radiation treatment to my left thigh.

I'm so thankful for this chapter to be over.

Thankful, to be going home (tomorrow night) to my cherubs.

OMG , they turn 8 in 3 wks
 Thankful , my DH arrives tonight to comfort and calm stay with me, then drive me to Westmead tomorrow for the Pet Scan.

Thankful, though my inner thigh is red and slightly sore - The Prof said it looks good.  
While some days it feels like life is spiraling out of control , I long for days when something GOOD happens so that I can take a step back and see things more clearly.

As much as it is a cause for celebration , tomorrow is my Pet Scan.
I'm also feeling gutted for a friend. 

Though grateful that I will be followed up , to pick up recurrence of disease while it is still treatable ; if not curable. My life , forever after marked with medical events on the calendar. 

No path is so clear, No step is so easy

In certain cancers patients are left to determine a follow up schedule for scans (or none till they have symptoms) in agreement with their oncologists /medical team.  There is no denying it ; we are always cognizant of the long-term risk for relapse with any cancer vs the risks and benefits of frequent scanning. 

William Boyd coined the term zemblanity to mean somewhat the opposite of serendipity: "making unhappy, unlucky and expected discoveries occurring by design". A zemblanity is, effectively, an "unpleasant unsurprise".wikipedia

Oh my friend ...I didn't see that coming.

Yesterday, the Radiation team called me to have my radiation treatment 2hrs earlier (they were ahead of schedule). I finished and exited the side door , got to the end of the pathway and realised I forgot to stay for my appointment with the Professor (Radiation Oncologist).

I went back in the front entrance to Radiology and saw my friend , with her friend. (My friend who was diagnosed 2.5 yrs ago with Breast Cancer). Immediately, I noticed her red rimmed eyes and tear stained face. I inquired about her elderly mother who I knew had also been recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer heart sunk as she shook her head.

Unable to speak , she motioned for her friend to explain. After an MRI on a painful hip - the report was concerning , possibly her cancer has metastasized to her hip. She waits,  for more scans tomorrow, then to see the Prof. 

If it is what it is ... we both know it's a tough journey again.

If I hadn't have been called in early or even if I hadn't forgotten my appointment, I wouldn't had seen my friend ; no knowledge of the storm in her midst . The silver lining is , now, I can support her, as much as I'm able.

Negative thinking is unfortunately always a part of life after cancer , even when we go about it without thinking too much about it.

Before we know it , the next appointment or scan is here or we have a new symptom.

Scanxiety !

Even when or if we think we have nothing to worry about. 
It nibbles at the edge of our fingernails.

New symptoms are generally taken seriously in cancer patients even several years out from diagnosis.
Mind games ; I don't want to talk about. 

So overwhelmed by challenges, the bumpy road we have to travel - a cr@ptastic detour. We do our best to carry on normally. There are miles to go before we can feel reassured... there is no way out but through.
We each hold all the moments of our life in our grasp and what we make it of determines who we are. Every day we hold opportunity or excuses.  
So much I want to scream & shout ; really what is the point... A tumble of feelings that pile up.
Too many feelings to mention, plus there is a  caged high fenced off building 100m away. 

All joked aside. I feel like I am crumbling , the scanxiety is overwhelming for both my Friend and I, no doubt our spouses. I remind myself - 

He does not lead me year by year,
Nor even day by day;
But step by step my path unfolds,
My Lord directs my way.
Tomorrow’s plans I do not know;
I only know this minute.
But he will say, “This is the way,
By faith now walk ye in it.”

And I am glad that it is so,
Today’s enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, his grace
Shall far exceed its care.

What need to worry then, or fret'
The God who gave his Son
Holds all my moments in his hand
And gives them one by one.

Source unknown

Even if I knew that tomorrow* the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.   I saw this somewhere yesterday on Facebook !

 May we all be strong, courageous and kind to each other xxx

PS - My husband & I will celebrate quietly over dinner date tonight.

*I won't get any results till Tuesday

 Tell me something good or happy you have experienced this week ?