Friday, 12 April 2013

A great place to hide a body and other constants

The fear of cancer returning is a constant (at times very exhausting!) motivation to exercise every day, to eat well and not touch a drop of alcohol. Though no-one has actually said I am cancer free , it is nothing like on TV, and I haven't asked. My treatment with IV Herceptin continues every 3wks till October.

I don't crave a glass of wine (or pear cider) but I miss it. It was great for unwinding at day's end or more often to share a drink over a chat with friends. Though they are mostly far away now. I could have a 'drink' if I choose but I haven't for over 7 months.

Exhausted or not I always have enough reserve in my tank to walk the treadmill and sometimes run because I need the bone-jarring impact to stop 'menopause induced' bone loss. My knees are already shot.

I feel reasonably well , though constantly tired. Some days I feel the fatigue more than others and it is most likely a combination of the chemo (now finished), Herceptin, Tamoxifen and other drugs. In the last few weeks I've had several middle of the day naps in the hammock or gotten the kids off to school and gone back to bed to sleep. Some nights I stay up too late I don't sleep well at all . I wake up with hot flushes or bad dreams, restlessly tossing and turning. Medication is helping.

A hammock is a great place to hide a body. It envelops me and it is very comforting to be rocked and cradled. I doze off very easily after a little prayer and meditation...I'm never sure if I'm doing it right.

I live with the fear of metastases but worrying never achieves much so I commit my fears to God and hope for the best.I don't care that I lost my breasts or that my hair is growing back weirdly (well maybe I care a bit more about my hair ).

I have my health, albeit with a few joint and pain issues but I just want my life back as it was before with less cognitive side effects.I am hammered by doubt about everything. I do the best I can but I feel it's not good enough.

When we encounter serious illness or struggles we have high expectations of people in our circles, it's hard when they are not met.

Some special friends are going through tough times and I understand they have their own demons and battles to deal with. One friend sent me an email to kind to explain her situation after she read one of my recent posts about feeling alone. Another , told me she does it tough all the time. I'm sad I can't help them all too. I privileged by the kind thoughts and prayers I have received , plus a few very appreciated candles and a care package, even if not so much direct help. We have managed.

I was shocked to read this story today- I cannot imagine the poor little girl's plight. I was then sucked into a black hole of websites and pages exposing 'people' faking cancer, children dying and other serious illnesses, for financial gain or other benefits. I don't understand why people do it. I know some have a mental illness but it is incredible the lengths of deception people will resort too.

I read others comments who claim that support group forums have closed or now require 'proof of illness' to join because of people trying to scam others emotionally or financially. I know a friend who found out an online friend she thought had passed away from breast cancer a few years ago was actually faked, by a man too. Other people defend the scammers and say exposing them is wrong too.

It is too complex and upsetting for me to analyze it. It really made me wonder if people doubt my story.

In other news -

I am really looking forward to the school holidays and sleeping in , rocking like a baby hiding from the kids in the hammock and no homework to oversee....though fights will need to be refereed. I hope the threat of the Skylanders being listed on eBay keeps the virtual peace. 

The drummer boys also had their first game of soccer last weekend and I signed up as team manager. Our team coach had to resign - so hopefully someone else will step up or hubby will have too.

(Edited - we have a new coach ... with much relief as means our team will survive)