Thursday, 18 October 2012

If life seems jolly rotten

Today, as I was driving home from town I heard this song playing on my car radio. I started to sing along to the chorus , as you do ...cheesy song or not.

words and music by Eric Idle
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

I probably heard the tune dozens of times {& more} but I've never really listened to the words freaked me out as suddenly got to a certain bit - you know that moment when you realise the actual lyrics...That !

ANY SONG mentioning death or dying makes me anxious . It was the second time today too !!.

In retrospect I have to laugh now, it is kind of a cheer me up song.

I was feeling very down and irritable today ... I can't use the expression 'pulling my hair out' anymore...but you get the drift.

I felt very vulnerable , deciding to attend the boys' school assembly to see their singing item {and see them not get the awards that are due to them}. 

Even going anywhere lately I feel anxious and paranoid. I see the second looks I get. I am continually wondering if my hair 'headgear' looks okay or crooked, weirdo or is scrunched and freaky. My husband wasn't here today to tell me - though the other day I was later horrified at his idea of fixing and straightening my scarf ...argggh !

Today, I couldn't help looking at another 'cancer' lady (about my age and obviously bald and wearing a CanTeen scarf and with a gauze pad taped to the back of her hand - I guessed rightly it was chemo related) .

I saw her{& hubby I presume} first in the HCF (Health fund office) in main street , then 30 mins later in the shopping mall across the road. As I was going down the escalator - there She was sitting down along the side wall, outside the loos, alone. We made eye contact and she smiled at me , I smiled back.

Then I walked over and said 'Hello'. We exchanged a few details. She thought she'd recognised me from the local cancer centre. 'Probably not' I told her - 'I am just about to start there'. Then I told her I have 'breast cancer' and she replied 'pancreatic cancer'. . She said ' I might see you around sometime'. I wished her well and off I went.

Other conversations are ...awkward. It just isn't the right word. Uncomfortable ? I don't know what to say , when people I barely know, ask me 'how am I going' or 'how am I feeling ?' People such as ... the School Principal and the boys' teacher or a random mother I've chatted to a few times. I am guessing they don't really want to hear the details of my side effects .... insomnia, flatulence, nausea, irritability, hot flashes , mood swings etc.

So, tactfully , I respond with "I am good, thanks !" The checkout guys and girls too - what is it with asking me how my day has been ?

Instead - I try not to make eye contact with anyone. Especially, now my eyelashes are sparse and my eyebrows too - coupled with my slightly crooked & turned eye, I probably look like a zombie. When I look in the mirror I see a zombie stranger.

I don't dwell too much on my appearance - seriously ! I know my hair will grow back...eventually. It could be worse, my SIL's friend just lost her foot to cancer {she has started chemo too}.

The final point - Today, I'm thankful for my new memory foam boobs and better fitting bras lovely perky but comfortable soft boobs . Why I will never consider reconstruction is another post for another day.

Have you ever not realised the actual lyrics in a song ...or ones that were different to what you first thought ?