Sunday, 26 August 2007

Sunday ...smiles & sadness

Today we celebrated S's birthday and had a family get together for Dad's (RIP) 2nd anniversary.

Almost exactly this day 3 years ago on a Sunday ... Dad organised a family get together because it seemed to him families only have get togethers for weddings and *sigh* funerals. He said it shouldn't be like that. He organised a BBQ for family and friends ... it was the last time we saw many of them before Dad's death & funeral a year later.

S enjoyed all the lovely gifts she received and appeared to be having a good time. She was bubbly and smiling.She changed into new clothes and put new makeup on.My aunt gave S a framed picture of her mum as a teenager( ~ Jo~). I don't think S has many due to circumstances that robbed her of memories of her mum.

It was a while later and we said we wanted to 'do' the cake and sing Happy birthday. S sat inside, face buried in the lounge and refused her grandfather's requests to come out for her cake. Her grandfather left her too it , saying I don't know why she does this , just because she can she tells me.

I went and sat near her and talked to her . S said she didn't want to have a cake -she wanted her mum (impossible ~ died from cancer). My eyes were welling with tears. What can you say to a child... I'd already cried many tears with her before when she was still 4.5 ...So much sadness for a little girl to carry.

Now, I knew how she had felt in a way missing my Dad but I am an adult who understands and she is 9. She has suffered so much in her short life and been hurt by the hands of people who are supposed to love and protect her. My sister joined us too after a while and eventually S said she would cut the cake but didn't want anyone to sing "Happy birthday".

So out we went. S still had a meltdown because she didn't want to smile for the cameras. My sister cradled her in her lap and she blew out the candle after a little encouragement. Later she came over to show me a cupcake with a candle in it , and told me she wanted people to sing now ... so we did.

Oh S,we really hope this birthday marks a change and that all your future birthdays are something to sing about. That wonderful memories are made today and that you can think of your mum watching over you smiling that you are safe and loved.

Three years ago, the same day as the family get together my SIL showed me the family bassinet she had prepared for our sweet Charlotte ... new linen and netting all ready ... we were just about to move to a new house (6 yr old) so she still had it. In my heart I was feeling like things were wrong when she showed me it!

Every time I saw it after that ...I knew I could never use it ... and when I found out I was pregnant with twins I was relieved ! I didn't have nor explain to people why not.