Friday, 26 October 2007

What if this is as good as it gets ...

Erma Bombeck said, “The easiest part of being a mother is giving birth. The hardest part is showing up on the job every day."

Today my dear sons were pushing all my buttons.The ugly - mummy 'guilt' ones.

The littliest ones my keyboard or TV buttons ... changing the TV to snow or black screen or the volume sky high. Coupled with standing in front of the remote sensor so I physically had to get up off my computer chair to bribe him to move or move him. They both fight over the Mem Fox "Where is the green" book ... though it could have been any. S snatches J's dummy(binky/dodger whatever) to get a rise out of him (& me).There was lots of whinging today ... the grass was too wet to play outside but we did have a swing.Then more tears because we came back inside.

Later, S went to sleep on the breast (nipple clenched between his four teeth) also balanced on my lap on the zoo pillow. BUT .... waking the moment I arose to carry him gingerly to his nap time cot or my bed. Haha not a chance. After two goes I abandon it and leave him up. We were going out anyway. I only spent an hour or more trying.

I peg more washing out ,make a cuppa tea and finish a few things.I finally wake his slumbering brother and off we go. After a light lunch with friends ... eventually we had 6 @ 1 yrs old boys and 1 girl - amazingly all well behaved.

We head home amidst dark skies and pelting rain ... soaking my precious washing and all my cloth nappies.But I won't complain about the rain - God knows we need it .I am just feeling woeful about the dryer I will need to use. I quickly get it off the line as fast as I can - ouch a single peg dropped on a toe hurts like crazy.

Next, I deposit an almost sleeping S into his barely used cot - argh he cries but I know he will nod off. I walk out, get J and attempt to put him back down to nap ... not a chance. I put hi down to play ... His crying gets to me .. only because I panic it will wake his brother - grrrrr ..... More guilt because I know he just wants a cuddle.I want a cup of tea.

They are tag teaming me today.I breastfeed him and he still won't budge those eyelids shut. Finally, I sit him behind me on the recliner rocking chair inside the play area. I sit down to relax with some friends .

Suddenly I notice how quiet it is and remember that only one is in bed ... if you have a toddler and it is quite for too long -you assume they are doing something wrong (see Toddler rules) - wrong he was

The 'peace' is a relief but I still feel guilty that I strive for that hour or two (or 40 minutes) they are both asleep. I feel guilty for ignoring their cries for my attention when I just want some me time.

I remember what life was like before and this is way better ... I remember what it was like to dream of having children and I am so grateful. Really ...

Though having a teenager and toddler twins is certainly not was I ever imagined.

I feel very troubled about my relationship with my teen. He is a raging bull and full of testosterone . Everything I say to him waves the red flag . Everything he does sends me into a spin ... I spit out a shameful tirade of angry words. We lock horns continually.You know what they say about the mouth / tongue.

Mouth: Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Prayer: I pray that I would speak only wholesome words beneficial to others. May my speech be appropriate and respectful. May it encourage those who are disheartened and bring faith to those who have none.

Tongue: Proverbs 10:19-20 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value."

Prayer: I ask that D will learn wisdom and as a result, be able to hold his tongue. Keep him from wicked words. Make his tongue like choice silver.MINE TOO

So how do I reconnect to the heartbreakingly beautiful little boy I once knew. Who feels we don't care now we have the babies. Will we ever ? Will I go crazy trying? or send my husband reaching for extra doses of his special 'pills'.(that is another story) He says the babies will pickup on the stress too.Tonight, we (my teen & I) were at it and the babies were crying ... and clingy. I was waiting for my Dh to snap after his 12hr long day.

I know it is small stuff that gets to me. The excessive consumption of our softdrink stash and other stuff, Internet usage (LOL - I am fine one to talk) and the phone bills he is 'ringing' up !I have the power to ignore it . However, I feel I can't let him get away with lying, laziness and generally the way he gets annoyed by the babies or us not living up to his expectations. Like us not letting him have wants, continually putting his hand out for money for this activity or another;ranting because his father isn't home to help me so he doesn't have to.

I loath his habit of wearing his pants half way down his backside, his jocks showing and walking on the cuffs.Other hurtful words too like that because I am not his mother I can't tell him what to do.D just presses all the wrong buttons in me so I spend a great deal of time being mad at him -even when he isn't home I curse him to myself.Usually after finding evidence of what he has failed to do or things he has done wrong.

I wonder will it all click into place and somehow make sense one day? I guess all I can do is hope and pray that it will, one blissful day.God I hope so , I just can''t take much more of him.I really have to force myself to break the cycle the two of us have with each other on a regular basis for all our sakes.

I'll finish with ..
no matter how bad things seem, the sun rises on another day, and I am given the opportunity to make a difference….
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