Monday, 7 September 2015

I must Confess - I wish I could hug my Dad one more time

and confess the truth.

For some people it is both a celebrated day and one for remembrance.

To me it is many things - missing my Dad (he died 1 week before Fathers' day 10yrs ago) , now my missing my husband's father and even remembering losing our daughter Charlotte days before Fathers' day 11 yrs ago.

Dad was discharged from hospital the morning of her funeral (11yrs ago today) and I can still remember seeing him standing there. by the memorial gardens, rushing into his embrace crying as he cried too.

He was a kind,selfless and generous man my Dad. He wasn't supposed to die so young (63) though he had been through leukemia treatment . I think on our last visit he told my husband and I if he was to pass away he wanted my Mum to be loved again. He named B specifically (a recently widowed friend) and you know what - they did get together.

My Dad never got to meet S & J or even know I was pregnant, though the miracle was that the last time I saw him alive was because we were attending an IVF appointment at the same hospital. I confess - the fact that I lied about why we were there - still gives me grief. I didn't want people to know we were doing IVF - in case of failure. We kept it secret.He wasn't particularly sick at the time, it was maybe a week before he took a sudden turn for the worse.

The hospital ICU made sure we all got to say goodbye to Dad , on life support , they waited until the last person arrived to let him pass surrounded by love.

 On a brighter note ...

Like most lads, my boys adore their Dad and follow him everywhere.

He spends a lot of time with our boys giving them a secure foundation in love and adventure . For the best part of the last 4yrs he hasn't worked much outside our home due to many reasons, not the least being my carer during cancer treatment .
Even with our older son , he willingly made a choice to be 'hands on Dad'.
Everyday since the birth of our twins, he has risen to the challenge ... I could not have done it without him. Today he got up at 5:30 am to drive to school the school camp.

Date night tonight

I confess - he's not all perfect though he does make a perfect cup of tea. Nothing specific and mostly about nothing absolutely important .

In all my fears for the future , I am comforted knowing if I can't be there my husband will do a fine job.

Dear M
I pray that we will have a respite from the struggles and can pause for a moment or maybe even a few months, to just reflect and recognize all that we do have and enjoy it simply for what it is, without thinking about what it is not.

You are a good and responsible Dad, where you can possibly find a way to help, you will... beyond measure.

Over the years you have worked very hard for our family to find a balance in everything. You amaze me with your strength and tenacity.Our sons are going to be incredible Dads someday, owed mostly to your spirit and love.

I Must Confess