Tuesday, 2 April 2013

That Straw.

March was a busy month and then we had a very, very busy and fun stressful filled Easter here.


Poor camel, today, she broke.
It prompted tears.
It wasn't one 'thing' in particular, just the succession.
The last straw.
Beyond endurance.

I arrived and waited over 45 mins to have to my Herceptin ( trastuzumab), a 3 weekly treatment, not chemotherapy but a special intravenous drug. It is a monoclonal antibody that interferes with the HER2+ receptor. It has had a "major impact in the treatment of HER2- positive breast cancer". I am unfortunately in the 20% that is HER2+ - an aggressive form of breast cancer.

One of the significant complications of Herceptin is its effect on the heart. It is associated with cardiac dysfunction and a condition of treatment is that regular cardiac screening with a MUGA heart scan be undertaken during the treatment period (one year).
Anyway they cancelled my Herceptin.


The reason - I hadn't had my 3 monthly heart scan ...3 calendar months is tomorrow '3rd', 3 months exactly to the day is Thursday 4th which is what scan place booked me for. I had my last heart scan Thursday January 3rd...{are you still with me}.

It's complicated because my last scan was slightly earlier than the 3 months.

I know they are just doing their job but at no time previously did anyone stress the importance of  Heart scan before a certain next treatment.

It was my own fault.
They explained it away and it was just me, stretched. 
Though I fully understand.
For as long as I could I stayed as calm as I could, deep breaths, then the spillage of tears.
That was that.
It threw me.
Unglued me.
I reached my limit.

I hate even thinking about heart damage too*.
A gentle hand rested on my shoulder briefly.

Having it a few days late (under < week) won't make much difference (over a week does) but administering it - if my heart function is affected could ...their registration ...my heart. 
I understood.


Completely why. It's more important to know my heart function is still good.
It doesn't really matter in the 'big picture' if I have it on Friday after my scan.

...I should also update the little lump, the penultimate straw.
I had a Fine needle aspiration of my 'breastless' right lump, Monday 18th. Thursday 21st my regular GP called me back to say the result was inconclusive - only because they only had blood in the sample. She reassured me it was all okay but referred me back to the Oncology clinic Drs for further options.
I was in Sydney , not much I could do but wait till Monday.
Last Monday , first thing , I tried to get an appointment to see the Oncology GP. (The Sydney Oncologists 'big guns' only fly in on Thursday) . The lady, (who I didn't know except she wasn't either of the two receptionists I knew) 'suggested' that the Oncology GP wasn't the right person but my Breast Surgeon in Sydney was perhaps better and she would call me back.

Was I anxious about waiting longer ...you bet !

Instead, I rang my Breast Cancer Support Nurse ; not a McGrath Nurse - though they do similar jobs and work together anyway, to bring comfort and support rather than to administer actual nursing care or any treatment.

She immediately took action to get hold of my results, send them to, and seek advice from, the Sydney Oncologist. Surprisingly he reviewed the scan results of the little lump the same day. My BC Nurse called me back to say the Head Oncologist felt it wasn't anything to worry about ; they would also talk about it the next day at the conference call meeting. I think an appointment was discussed but I said I had my treatment the following Tuesday{today}. I felt a little less anxious anyway after her call.
Nothing is ever certain, everything remains somewhat stressful, wondering. It always will be from now on.

Back to today...
Swiping away my tears , I mention I need to see GP for scripts for medication, my nurse gets my notes and says they are in 'the pile' for when the DR arrives. I still need a blood test, now three monthly too. I leave to have the blood test at pathology and return to the Oncology waiting room. Tick, another requirement done and dusted.

Eyes still puddling, softly spilling down my cheeks , my nose dripping  and no tissues anywhere. The Pink lady [volunteer] unable to locate tissues when I ask, offers serviettes,they do the job just as well.

After a short wait I get my consultation with the lovely oncology GP. She sorts my scripts, checks my little lump and reassures me. She also offers for me to see the counselor but turned out the counselor was not in today.
This. too. will. pass and things will go back to normal.

The other 99 straws , some significant, some insignificant who knows. I am okay.

I wanted to tell you about our Easter , another day now.

Don't ask me about DS19 and the metal fragment in his eye (He did it last Tuesday at work , thought it was ok - he arrived Thursday night and his sore eye gave him grief and pain Friday/Saturday -  after two visits to Hospital Casualty - he went home Sunday with referral to The Sydney Eye hospital and it was all removed yesterday)
...or DS6 - riding into a barbed wire fence yesterday - he just has a few minor facial scratches. I was not present either ...he was at my Brother's on DH's 'watch'.
...I was busy volunteering at Meals on Wheels and nearly got wiped out as the passenger , by another car , when my driver changed her mind about turning right and continued straight ahead. Note:no accident actually occurred but I did have to squeal "watch out" loudly at the driver)
(*Edit to add: my last scan in January was fine, they expect this one to be as well)
So tell me what you did over Easter - did you have fun ?


Comments (21)

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HUGS to you and your family.
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Oh Trish. My heart goes out to you xx
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Oh Trish, not sure what to say. Prayers to you and your family.
Dear beautiful Trish,I cried when I read your words....Nothing is ever certain,everything remains somewhat stressful,wondering.It always will be from now on.....because I can so relate as that is how it has been for us ever since my mum and step mum first had breast cancer.
I wish you strength when you need it most and send you much love with big warm comforting hugs.Xx
All those 'straws' are easier to handle one at a time, spread out evenly over time, but when they build up and up on top of stresses already in our lives its all too easy for that poor camel's back to break. Hope your camel is recovering well and that you will soon feel like the 'straws' are becoming a bit more spaced out.
Oh gosh. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely lady. Lots and lots and lots of them. xx
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oh my - I do love your little pic, but I do not love your story. I wish today was different for you. I wish everyday was different. You are a strong, incredible woman. Sending BIG hugs to you and lots of chocolate xx
i've got nothing that will help, or fix things, but I think of you often. Hope Mr19 and Mr6 are both ok.
Oh Trish. I hate those moments when the flood gates open and you can't control it, but YOU have good reason for it, my dear. Hugs xx
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My Easter was lonely and depressing, but it now all seems rather insignificant. Hope your week picks up x
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I read this earlier, but didn't know what to say. I still don't. Thinking of you. xo
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I'm going from bottom to top!
My ex had a fragment of metal in his eye and it was super scary, can't imagine it being my son! And SHIT not being there for a barbed fire attack, don't feel bad, thankfully he's okay.
Can I suggest you now be the driver @ Meals on Wheels??
And most importantly you - I think tears are the only way the heart can make itself visible. That feeling of disappointment of not getting in, esp when you were mentally prepared. BOO.
But finally - YAY - for the great news about the little lump xxx
Just keep swimming :) xx Em
My recent post It’s our job to worry for our children
With everything you got going on I don't blame you for tears. They seem to help though. Hopefully the camel gets a break for a while :)
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Quite seriously Trish some days the camels just seem to be not as strong. Sending you some stronger camels and big hugs.
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Oh Trish - you are allowed these times - you have so much going on and have been so amazing through all this. It's always the build up of the little things too that break us, never the big things :) sending hugs to keep you going :)

Hello from #teamIBOT
Oh Trish, that's too much for any camel to bear. I do hope that it's all uphill with a lighter load of straw from now. Much love xxx
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Your world is so tumultuous right now! Health issues are so bloody demanding, they get you right down to the last tear. Hope things start looking up soon, and that you have a better week. :)
Only thing I can think of to say, 'When I am weak, then I am strong." Some times the camel is allowed to break. xxxxx
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Love to you Trish. I love Jess' comment above. So true, sometimes the camel is allowed to break.
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Trish that's a hell of a week. Tell your kids to stay home and don't leave the house so you don't have to worry about THEM as well as you!!!! We went camping near Barrington Tops for Easter and had some lovely, extended family time. xx
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Oh Trish! What a trial you have been having. I hope there have been lots of family and friends around to give you a hug. Hope things calm down, as much as possible, in the very near future.
xx Sannah
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