Friday, 4 January 2013

Grief , Grateful and GUOT

I am someone who tends to be pragmatic about my vulnerabilities.
Right now I feel very vulnerable.

I am a pretty self-assured person on the outside but I hold it in, deeply.
Right now I am drowning in the deep.

I am sad that people who I consider friends have had limited contact, some don't reply to even the simplest of emails or Facebook messages or make any effort it seems. Though I know they active and not on hiatus. I wouldn't say avoiding me but it feels a bit like it.

I am feeling alone , though I have a few great supports online and off. I've had more support from total strangers than some friends to be honest.

Grief and the fear of losing touch in special friendships is crushing me.

I don't think they realise. Maybe they are just too busy with life and I should get over it. Life is too short for disappointment.

Three-four weeks ago I met a lovely lady, I'll call her Sally,  at the Kindy swimming day. She was a grandmother of a little boy. She noticed my very short hair and asked me directly if I was having treatment for cancer. I confirmed breast cancer and she told me she was a 19yr Breast Cancer survivor.

We chatted on/off for the next hour. Sally was calm and reassuring and I was overjoyed to hear she was a long term survivor. I shared her survival with some Breast cancer 'friends' in a FB group.

No-one knew what would happen next...a week and half later .

I dropped into visit another friend after my Chemo on Wednesday. She told she had a funeral to go on Thursday and it was X's grandmother from Kindy , she had passed away suddenly the last day of school (or so) -maybe a heart attack ? I wasn't sure exactly who she meant at first. I had other things on my mind*
{*The same day while I was having my chemo , other friends sent us a message to say their mother had passed away that morning after a brain haemorrhage. I didn't know her but I felt their loss and pain.}

We made arrangements for her boys to have a play-date with Sam & Joel after the funeral.

Yesterday, I dropped by friend's again, after my Heart scan, to collect her boys . My friend said the funeral was lovely and then she told me it was Sally, the breast cancer lady I'd spoken to the pool. They had mentioned her Breast Cancer survival at the funeral ... all the pieces fell into place; with my friend. She knew Sally and I had chatted .

Sally was only about 59 yrs , young, slim and fit looking. It totally shocked me. They are not sure why she died -suddenly-one night at home. I was expecting to see her again around the school (She was the carer for her grandson).

Make sure the important people in your life know how important they are before its too late.
I am still rocked ; by how fragile life is and how quickly circumstances change. Loved ones can be unexpectedly taken too soon.

I'm grateful my heart scan yesterday was still in the normal range. Chemotherapy and some Cancer treatments can damage your heart irreparably or weaken it. The Government legislate that you to have scans every 3 months in order that treatment can continue funding it.

I wonder if Sally's heart was weakened.

Credit - some amazing clocks here
My resolve is to keep making the most of everyday.
Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!

The clock is running!! Make GUOT today.
GUOT - Good use of time !

Remember that the next minute, hour, and day are not promised to you, and may be taken from you at any time. Unknown

PS - I am okay , mostly sad for the families grieving.