Saturday, 25 September 2010

Slipperiness & Solace


Do you ever find yourself so completely overwhelmed by things that you have no real control over ? I guess I can't be completely alone.
Yet I find complaining somewhat unproductive and unattractive, do you ?
I know we all do it !
It's normal to want to 'vent our spleen' and rant 'n' rave.
Surely, if I tried I could easily find something every day to whinge and whine about.
Though who wants to do that or even read about it ?
Some waste their entire life whining and complaining.
Do it often enough and everyone around won't be able to stand you.
So I had a break from everything (my own and others whining...not you my dear readers)

Dealing with a diagnosis of malignant cancer , and then treatment, can bring on tremendous fear and anxiety in all involved.
I've been absent from blogland for 3 weeks trying to find solace.
Time has rushed by the last 3 weeks too, we've been so busy.

It was Time to go back and spend more of my available hours in the real world.

Painting (well DH actually).
Wallpaper bordering.
Scraping off old borders.
Cleaning & scrubbing.
Decluttering & packing.
Garage sale'ing & throwing out junk.
Mothering two small busy boys and an unwell husband.
Drowning in teenage hostility that is so hard to live with day in day out.

Then there was the first followup appointment for my husband with the Radiation oncologist 14th Sept.
It's been 6 weeks since radiation finished.

I really didn't expect her to say much.
Dh still didn't feel well, he is tired (of course with all he has been undertaking it is no wonder) and wound up generally.
He has had persistent headaches, weariness and other chest pains.

She booked him an urgent MRI. To rule out 'anything' else and check for 'brain swelling' or inflammation from the radiation therapy. She prescribed medication just in case.
DH had that Friday 17th night at 9.45pm ( was supposed to be 8.00pm) but they didn't know about his titanium clips ('Tumour' removal margin markers from his surgery). They refused to do it till they could find out.

It was at another Sydney hospital and they were ringing the Cancer Care Centre Hosp (a major hospital) and a major private hospital where he had the surgery.It's hard to get information at 9pm on a Friday night. A private hospital whose medical records were by luck still open at 10mins to 9pm. Even the MRI lady was amazed as most private hospitals close their medical records dept at 5pm.

Unfortunately,the specialist surgeon hadn't detailed the type of clips in the operation/ medical records.
The newer model MRI machines have a stronger magnet they are ' 3' whatevers and the others are '1.5' ... I think they thought they would rip the clips out or displace them? .

I know they were just doing their job but it was frustrating.
In the end at 9.20 pm I said "Look I'll call the Surgeon myself" and I did. I called the switch lady at the major Sydney hospital to ask her to put me through to him. She put me on hold to call the Dr and cut me off accidently. I called straight back and she answered and knew it me ...amazingly. Then she put me through in 60 secs. She was so extraordinarily helpful.

The Specialist Dr spoke to the MRI guy on my mobile phone . He confirmed it was ok to go ahead with the MRI but they made DH sign our referral letter to say he had spoken to Specilaist Dr and it was 'okay'. DRAMA.
We just wanted it over with and not be left waiting another week.

The Radiation oncologist was going overseas for 3wks so she wanted to know what was going on before she went Tuesday. DH dropped the scans back to the hospital Sunday for her to look at Monday. The actual report takes 8 days. It was just stressful waiting for her call, holding our breath all weekend.
The worry causing more sleeplessness (than the small boys coming into our bed.)

I just hadn't the time, let alone the desire to blog or come online.(Ok I lie I did want to)
The relief was overwhelming when the Dr called back Monday afternoon to say it looks ok to the Oncology team, they can't see anything and thinks it might be nerve pain because of surgery. He had fluid in his sinuses too. ??
They will repeat the MRI in a few months.
It was a huge relief but the headaches are still a 'pain'. DH also has been dizzy , and had other odd symptoms at times.
Maybe its stress and exhaustion too. He is just feeling unwell all the time.
It's hard not to be in control.
For both of us.
I feel powerless to do anything to help him.
Like I am stuck fast in mud.

(after the car was unstuck)
Out of control not unlike like the slipperiness of mud.
That DH sunk the 4WD into the other day.


We had gone to the farm for a few days on Sunday (till Thursday) for solace ... and because we had family visiting.
The wheels kept turning but going nowhere except deeper into the sludge.

There was no way forward or back.
Sunk up to and over the axles.


With his Mother in the car too...I could go to town on that one ;). LOL

It was in a back paddock ,'Spring Dam paddock", DH was giving his mum a tour.The boundaries of the farm property are wide (almost 2000 acres in total -2 farms) with patchy phone reception. Fortunately the mobile phone worked.
DH's uncle was at the farm and knew where to find them (DH,the small boys & MIL)
They left the car there overnight - stuck fast in the mud.
It was funny and fun getting the car out the next morning.

The laughter was good.


Anyway,our house is still a huge mess.We have boxes everywhere.
Furniture everywhere out of place ...new carpet is coming Monday. We always seem just to 'finish' before we sell LOL.

The house is upside down and inside out ( yep half the furniture is outside or in the garage) but Monday (after new carpet gets laid) will be a turning point and putting things back in some sort of order will bring more solace.
Though it is scary we will be closer to selling.

It will be okay... this, too, will pass.

I am just so grateful for family & friends and hand holding ...xo.

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