Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Pondering the view outside my window ...

Most days my husband opens the windows and 6ft long blinds in our room. Just outside is our rose garden.It is lovely to look at. Some days I only look out the window because I am too busy to actually go outside and smell the roses.The garden we planted in memory of Charlotte. I see the roses and
I remember her life ...
I remember her life
Happy Expectations
Soft gentle Kicks
Playful leaps and somersaults
I remember her death
Her sweet nose
Her eyelids clsoed forever
Her darling little mouth
I remember her funeral
Dazed
Disbeleiveing
Numb
Desperately wanting her back
I remember the anguish of the early days without her
Sleepless nights and meaningless days
Merging with tears and more tears
Pain and yet more pain
I remember learning to live without her
Emptiness,darkness, despair
Tears on Mother's day
Hopeless Christmas
And terrible pain on her first birthday
I remember her still
I realise the enormous impact that her life has had on mine
I know I am a changed person becasue of her
I am now aware of the many positive things that she brought to my life
But...
I would give up all these things if only I could have her and not have to remember her.
Author Unknown

I found this poem yesterday in Sids & Kids newsletter.The first one I have been able to read in a while.Mostly, I saw come them in the mail and I put them somewhere to read later or never ...

I had just come from the playgroup we started attending, on Tuesday, at Church. There I met a lady, K , a grandmother of a little girl. She commented on my twins and we chatted about how gorgeous they are. Then she told me "I had twins" ... quickly followed up with the fact ...' though one had died ...a few weeks after birth, born @ 27wks and her surviving daughter is now 30'.

Then I told her about S & J being one month early due to cholestasis (obstetric liver disorder that causes intense itching) ~ she was so surprised and said 'I had that too but no-one ever told me what it was called" even the specialists.She described it exactly and it does happen in subsequent pregnancies. She even wrote it down 'Cholestasis'.

During the conversation, she told me how hard she still found it to see same sex twins. We chatted a bit more and I mentioned Charlotte , she had also lost another baby @ 27wks premature ~ stillborn. She said she wanted to talk to me more and winked, with a wistful smile. A mother just never forgets these things for no matter how many children she has...she remembers the 'others' and she is always waiting for someone, for someone she can tell about them.Someone to understand. Afterwards, I regretted I didn't ask her their names.I will next time I see her.

I still can't imagine having Charlotte in my life ... I wonder what she would be like and look like and what she would be doing but my head says NO ! she couldn't stay.

I have a friend her daughter is same age as Charlotte would be ... I have twins ... what she should have or I mean has except one lives on earth and the other in heaven. She, also, finds it hard to see twin girls.

Sam & Joel have brought so much into our lives but the torment remains that they might not be here had her life not been cut so short. We are so thankful we have them.

Life is precious and there is life beyond grieving , though I might not always have felt this way. A life of hope .I give thanks to God for all our blessings and each new day of hope.Nothing can take that away from me.

Saturday, 26 May 2007

Yesterday,Today & Tomorrow

Past, Present and Future ...


Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present
-Bippin

these words are the sum of our existence - they mean so many different things.


Yesterday -I received my nuture nappy stash ... the coolest 'Present' my long awaited cloth nappies some hard to get AIO Itti bittis,growing greens, bumgenius,totbots bambozzle and some lushiously soft berry plush.Not a nappy pin in sight.In the past ...'yesterdays'... as in only a few years ago these names and nappies were unheard of .Parents made do with squares of flannel and terry cloth nappies. I used them on DS (13).

TODAY - Even the way we don't need to soak (It is a NO NO !)and wash them has changed.They are all fitted like a disposable with velcro,aplix and plastic snaps (similar to metal ones used on modern clothes).We dry pail them.

Flats are still used but rarely in the modern cloth nappy community. Modern nappies are so much more fun , they are funky colours, fabrics and made of hemp, bamboo and other 100% polyester fleeces.

One thing that has stood the test of time is 100% woolen soakers & covers ... much sort after and bringing back the click clack of knitting.They are absorbant and breathable and the designs can be stunning.These will last well into the future.

I switched over 2 months ago for environmental reasons (reduce my contribution to landfill) , cost (of 2 in disposables) and the cuteness factor ...(not necessarily in that order)... after I saw my friend, Tiff's nappies and others on the forums. I was hooked and converted. My main reasons ...saving the environment -it is the future we have to consider and how we impact our planet for our children's future.

The disadvantage is modern cloth nappies take longer to dry than flats.Today I washed them (though new) 5 times to remove any residues and make them more absorbant.

Tomorrow ...I will lovingly hang them on the line and watch them dry ...then I put them on to be used only to re-wash them and a new cycle will begin ... wash, dry,wear -wee and/or poo ,wash today,tomorrow and for the next year at least.

Today, I went to a fanatstic plastic Tupperware party ... it has been around for many years - in my yesterdays my step grandmother was a TP lady ... in the very earliest days . She retired at 70 after more than 20 years I think. She was 75 when she passed away 15 years ago. She had oddles of it in a garden shed and I can remember it in my earliest memories. Not all fond of her anyway. The other day on ebay I saw these colourful plastic toy animals, like we once played with - mix and match the heads/body/tail etc. I had completely forgotten them. Ah the memories.

Did you know 'Tupperware' has a lifetime guarantee ... though I read recently lifetime meant 45yrs.WTHeck ... Anyway, back to the topic ...

There, (remember at the Tupperware party) I met a young lady who was the demonstrator along with her sister. She had a baby boy born 11.09pm 30th June 2006 ... yes 51 minutes shy of the increased baby bonus ($4000). She still got the $3000.She said she was glad to be over it[birth] at the time - she just wanted him out LOL.She didn't care.Yet, she was not late enough to win an extra baby bonus ($4000) comp on a radio station.Someone else was closer to midnight.

Lucky for me, Samuel and Joel were born 1st July 12.51pm and 12.52pm - a cool $4000 each - had they been born earlier I know I wouldn't have minded either. Just thought it interesting to comment on ... in my theme of yesterday , today and tomorrow ...

In the future it will rise but I will not get to take advantage of it.She will !

On a much sader note ... yesterday ... well Wednesday I attended the funeral of my online friend Christine Bradshaw. We came to be friends because she her lost twin daughters.

I was very sorry to hear the tragic news on Mother's Day ~ but a little boy will never know his special mum ...and how much she struggled to have him.

It was with great sadness I announced the death of Christine (known to many as Chris ~Confused Egg) on the forums.There was never going to be a good time to tell anyone. I struggled with the decision. It was hard but she deserved to be remembered and if there were heavy hearts and tears that day - I hope they were grateful for their blessings.


I hope they said a prayer of thanks and she didn't die in vain. I will always be grateful I knew her even if for a little while though not in real life. Though I did know her in real life ~if you know what I mean just not by sight. It will be my reality check whenever I feel sorry for the stupid little things that irritate me ... life is just too short.

Chris (37) passed away on Friday 11th May after losing her battle with life , following a brain haemorrhage 3 months ago not long after giving birth to her much awaited little boy, William. Chris joined a forum after her twin daughters ~Chanetelle~ & ~Shale~ were stillborn @21weeks on 4th & 5th July 2005.Chris received much support from friends she made there. She also gave comfort to many people including myself. She had a great sense of humour and also compassion towards others.

On the 1st anniversary of losing her twin daughters Chris got a BFP - and was overjoyed to be pregnant again. She welcomed the support on her online friends during her pregnancy. We chatted often on MSN and a few times on the phone.

Christine gave birth to her 3rd child, William Earle, @35wks2days on 8th February, 2007. A very precious little man. It was a week or so after his birth she became ill. She has spent the last 3 months of her life in hospital.


Oh I think about her precious lil' man, -'Junior',her never getting to know him or nuture him and him not getting to know her.

Today, may we all find the time to hesitate and remember how blessed we are , may we take the time to laugh, love and cry with those we love and whom love us

Christine's life was cut tragically short ...

May she Rest in peace ...as time goes on with out her and may William live long and be her legacy in the future.

They said at her funeral that she was dealt a hard hand [as in cards] but she played them well and as best she could.

A few little quotes ... I had this first on Charlotte's order of service.



I cannot change yesterday,I can make the most of today and look with hope toward tomorrow.





Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.Albert Einstein





TO acknowledge that each day comes to a close, that each life comes to a close, is to hear the challenge to rise to the occasion and make something of this day, this life.

WE fear death most when we feel that we haven't lived yet. We're frightened that death will come like a thief in the night before we've really had a chance to live. We missed it and now, all of a sudden, it's over.

THE more fully we live, the easier it is to let go, to die.




Let us live each day well – one at a time. Since we have only one life to live.


Lord , thanks for the history and thank you for all the fun I had at play today ... bring on tomorrow and please can I have some mystery. Though, I surely don't need a tall handsome stranger because the one I have now is spectacular.

that will do ... tonight ... did I mention I have so much to say. I lie awake at night thinking of all this stuff ... it is cluttering up my head space.

Friday, 25 May 2007

A stuff up ... before I was up the duff

A stuff up ... before I was up the duff

I originally posted this to what I thought was my first blog I started when I started IVF - but hey I stuffed up and made a 2nd blog instead of another post in my new blog.So I had to put it here ...it is part of my history and my story !


Saturday, July 02, 2005

Why the heck ?

New from Libra for the women who have time to spare during AF

Sanity pads with trivia 'Odd Spots' on the adhesive backing
who has the time to read this garbage when you have to do what you have to do ...
so I'll give you a few examples since you seem to free at the moment

Odd Spot #12
The human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all of the world's telephones put together

Odd Spot # 73
The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court

Odd Spot #38
On average,13 people die very year from vending machines falling on them

Odd Spot #156 (you mean there are at least 156 of these gems)
An elephant can throw a baseball faster than a human

Odd Spot #26
The total length of all eyelashes shed by a human in their lifetime is over 30 m

Odd Spot #132
A typical bed is home to over six billion dust mites

Odd Spot #119
A zebra is white with black stripes not black with white stripes

there you have it - wasn't that exciting stuff ...unfortunately I hope not to be needing these horrendous things for next 9 months so if you want to hear more you will have to go buy your own.

this was my profile at the time ... pretty lame but also a part of me
I am still 38 counting down to 39 unfortunately. Luckily I am married very happily to a wonderful man Together we are on the IVF roller coaster for our first IVF cycle. Our egg pickup is mid July. I have an adopted son now 12 and an angel baby daughter Charlotte Rose born still 1st September 2004 We took 12 yrs to conceive Charlotte on our own but are embarking on IVF baby quest because haven't got time another 12 yrs under the sheets. I am pretty,actually ugly, boring otherwise.

Saturday, 5 May 2007

The Nitty Gritty


This post is a verbose summary ...just in case you wanted to know more but didn't want to ask ! -well you can

I find when I am visiting new Blogs for a first time it can be difficult to navigate the archives to find out more. Often I spend time searching for answers in past posts. That’s all good, but sometimes I still don’t find it. I decided to collate this because it seems a good idea (thanks Melissa) to knit a single post together that contains relevant information that you might like to know (or not).

• My name is Trish.
• My husband's name is Matthew . We have been married 20 years.

INFERTILITY

• We briefly considered IVF in 1993 but after one appointment decided it was not for us (…back then)

ADOPTION

• We have an adopted son David, adopted as at 13.5 months old though in a normal ‘newborn’ adoption program. David is 14 yrs old. We were planning to adopt a special needs children but that adoption fell through before we finished our approval anyway .

• We also fostered a little girl, S (4.5yrs) for 3 weeks in July 2003 sadly it did not work out due to her Father (I digress to say– last year she joined my Sister’s family as a foster child).

SO CLOSE AND SO NEAR ~ SURPRISE PREGNANCY ...SO FAR ~PREGNANCY LOSS

• In 2004 after 12 years infertility we were surprised to conceive, unassisted, ~ Charlotte~. Charlotte died in utero when I was almost 6 months (26 weeks) and was stillborn. You can read her story HERE.
• After ~ Charlotte~ I turned to the Internet to understand my grief and connect with others walking the same path. We were not able to find out why she died and I wanted answers.


IVF THE NEXT STEP

• I became involved in several different online parenting forums in pregnancy loss topics and then infertility threads. These women gave me the knowledge to try again and pursue assisted conception primarily IVF because of our long history of infertility and my age …38 nudging 39.
• I had read and heard of a few infertility / IVF blogs so I decided I’d started this one … this is my very FIRST POST
• We conceived our fraternal boy twins S & J on our 2nd IVF Cycle.
• Our first IVF yielded a harvest of 17 eggs, 13 fertilised and two were transferred at day 2 - and 6 frozen. 12 days later we found out we were not pregnant.
• Our first frozen embryo transfer was two weeks later … using 5 of our 6 frozen embryos. This same day I last saw my Dad alive. He was a patient in the same large hospital I was having my transfer at the Fertility clinic. It was sheer coincidence we met both my parents in the corridor. We had some quick lying, explaining to do. No one (in our family) knew we were undergoing IVF. We didn’t know it would be the last time we would see him conscious or maybe I would have.

MY WORLD IS SHATTERED

• My Dad passed away 26th August 2005 – suddenly with complications of Graft VS host after a successful bone marrow transplant from his brother. He died a few days before the first anniversary of losing ~Charlotte~.
• I found we were not pregnant around the same day we had found out a year before our long awaited baby’s heart had stopped beating...
• In the space of a few days our world was shattered several times over.
• September 2005 our last frozen embryo failed to thaw properly so it was we started our 2nd IVF cycle...

BRINGING IN THE HARVEST

• By this stage I had learned so much from my IVF cycle buddies and DR Google. I insisted we grow our embryos to Blastocyst. They said yes if I had enough eggs.
• I had 19 eggs and 15 fertilised … more than enough but it was a nail biting 6 days –hoping and praying we would an embryo left to on transfer. Our transfer was on day 6 – instead of the usual 5 because the clinic was closed Sunday … I don’t think it is because they all to Church but I think we did.
• Monday 14th Nov was our appointment with destiny – they had 5 Embryos still growing but only 2 were deemed normal, 2 are the maximum they will transfer anyway but none were suitable to freeze. I was a little perturbed but thought no matter I can do this again if I have too.
• An agonising two week wait … well less because my transfer was day 6 instead of day 2.

FINALLY PREGNANT

• About 8 days later I had an inkling I was pregnant and after much encouragement from my Internet support crews I decided to flush away the temptation and pee on a stick the next morning November 23rd about 5.30am. Two pink lines.
• I jumped the queue for my beta blood test –got told off – but I later received the phone call that would change my life forever confirm I was indeed pregnant and up the duff well and truly with a beta HCG in 400’s instead of 100-200.

THERE IS A PAIR IN THERE

• I guessed I might be having twins. It was confirmed at 7weeks though I knew we had 2 sacs at 5wks 6days but only one heartbeat.
• My pregnancy was high risk but I was well and healthy. It was more to monitor their growth and ensure that I got to take them both home. I was extremely anxious after losing my daughter at 6 months –unknown reason too.
• At 18 weeks we found out they were both boys. They were both breech from about 30weeks.I was booked for caesarean on 14th July (38 wks) but I developed Obstetric Cholestasis in late June. I went to hospital 30th June and they were delivered the next day by emergency c/s (not a real emergency though).
• Our twins were born on July 1st 2006 – exactly a year to the day I first started my IVF cycle with the injectables-PUREGON follicle stimulating hormones– not counting the birth control ‘PILL’ I took or the Synarel ( a drug you sniff strictly every 12 hrs to prevent ovulation and keep hormones suppressed).
• IS & J were born at 35 weeks and 4 days. They had minor breathing difficulties at birth – mostly what any premature c/s baby have but otherwise healthy and screaming. They were kept in the NICU for 4 days then we were transferred to our local hospital special care nursery.
• July 1st also the day the Australian Governments Baby bonus rose from $3000 per child to $4000 – a joke the Doctor had with me moments before they were born – except he thought is was $5000 – I wish.

A LITTLE HOUSE KEEPING

• My blog is very eclectic – a RANDOM collection of stuff about parenting twins , my tornado toddlers, a tumultuous teenager , a little on infertility, pregnancy loss and random stuff like blogger tips and even cooking and gardening.
• I consider my real blogoversary is 25th May 2007-the pilot episode being 1st July 2005 .When I started I wrote 2 posts somehow in two different blogs because I had no idea then nothing for more than a year and half.


COMMENTS
• I appreciate receiving comments; who doesn't like comments? So please don’t be shy to just say “HI’Commenting is about connecting so I make a very concerted effort (... depending on two little things ;)to visit the sites of those who do comment.

Blogger makes difficult to reply personally to comments unless you are a blogspot blogger.I also know you might not have the time to track back all my posts that you've commented on and see if there is a reply or not.

Please know that even when I do not respond specifically to your comment - I treasure each comment made and consider it a thoughtful act of friendship.

So what do you have to say ? Share with me and add your ingredients to this recipe we call life.


EMAIL
My email address is babyamore2 (AT) gmail (dot) com I do my best to respond to each comment in a timely manner unless it is for the big memes. I do my best to visit your blogs in return and leave comments as much as I can.
• I am usually pretty good about writing back within two days so if you don't hear from me after a week or so, send another email. I try never to ignore emails unless they are spam-like.
• Please remember to check the little box to receive follow-up comments in email, because Blogger makes it difficult (if not impossible now I don’t get email notification of non blogger commenters) to reply in any other way. I'll keep adding to this page as time goes on or new information pops up.
If you are still here - thanks for reading all of this. Anything that isn't covered, or if you have a question you can ask me via email or in the comments. Enjoy reading:
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