I remember her life ...
I remember her life
Soft gentle Kicks
Playful leaps and somersaults
I remember her death
Her sweet nose
Her eyelids clsoed forever
Her darling little mouth
I remember her funeral
Desperately wanting her back
I remember the anguish of the early days without her
Sleepless nights and meaningless days
Merging with tears and more tears
Pain and yet more pain
I remember learning to live without her
Tears on Mother's day
And terrible pain on her first birthday
I remember her still
I realise the enormous impact that her life has had on mine
I know I am a changed person becasue of her
I am now aware of the many positive things that she brought to my life
I would give up all these things if only I could have her and not have to remember her.
I found this poem yesterday in Sids & Kids newsletter.The first one I have been able to read in a while.Mostly, I saw come them in the mail and I put them somewhere to read later or never ...
I had just come from the playgroup we started attending, on Tuesday, at Church. There I met a lady, K , a grandmother of a little girl. She commented on my twins and we chatted about how gorgeous they are. Then she told me "I had twins" ... quickly followed up with the fact ...' though one had died ...a few weeks after birth, born @ 27wks and her surviving daughter is now 30'.
Then I told her about S & J being one month early due to cholestasis (obstetric liver disorder that causes intense itching) ~ she was so surprised and said 'I had that too but no-one ever told me what it was called" even the specialists.She described it exactly and it does happen in subsequent pregnancies. She even wrote it down 'Cholestasis'.
During the conversation, she told me how hard she still found it to see same sex twins. We chatted a bit more and I mentioned Charlotte , she had also lost another baby @ 27wks premature ~ stillborn. She said she wanted to talk to me more and winked, with a wistful smile. A mother just never forgets these things for no matter how many children she has...she remembers the 'others' and she is always waiting for someone, for someone she can tell about them.Someone to understand. Afterwards, I regretted I didn't ask her their names.I will next time I see her.
I still can't imagine having Charlotte in my life ... I wonder what she would be like and look like and what she would be doing but my head says NO ! she couldn't stay.
I have a friend her daughter is same age as Charlotte would be ... I have twins ... what she should have or I mean has except one lives on earth and the other in heaven. She, also, finds it hard to see twin girls.
Sam & Joel have brought so much into our lives but the torment remains that they might not be here had her life not been cut so short. We are so thankful we have them.
Life is precious and there is life beyond grieving , though I might not always have felt this way. A life of hope .I give thanks to God for all our blessings and each new day of hope.Nothing can take that away from me.