Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Today - the wall !

I know I don't have to be cheerful and positive all the time.
Honestly, it's really sucking at the moment.

Today is 5 weeks since I saw my GP about my suspicious symptoms.
Today is 4 weeks since I had my mammogram and U/S - when I knew positively that the news would not be good.

The staff were too nice, too apologetic and over explaining the need for extra images, different position and long time waiting for the Dr to review them -in case I needed more. Explaining gently - I may get called back for a biopsy ...telling me not to worry it is normal ...Well - no I didn't doubt for a minute it was !

Today is 3 weeks since a double mastectomy and axillary (armpit lymph nodes) clearance (Left). I still have my drain three weeks post op. It is annoying and painful at times mostly just uncomfortable ; finally bearable enough not to need as much pain relief. I've swallowed a gutful.

Today is 2 weeks since I cut my hair quite short. I am okay with that and the prospect of going bald I've yet to get my head around ...pun not really intended.

Today, I had a port a cath implanted, beneath the skin in my chest wall and below my right collarbone - which is the start of phase two in the breast cancer marathon . It is going to provide long term intravenous access for the chemotherapy and much longer targeted therapy. It is the right my choice but it hurts.

Later, in between infusions I hopefully won't know the port a cath is there, except for a raised bump.

The local anaesthetic has worn off - the pain, right now, is far worse than I expected. In both my neck and upper chest - they cut , poked , prodded it into position - it will ease up in time. Woe is me.

On a scale of 1to10 - maybe 8-9 . I am so glad I still have the oral Endone to give me some relief. It really hasn't eased it completely. I am trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I feel ok , others not - about this major interruption to our life. I look down where my breasts used to be and I honestly can't remember what they looked like ...well I barely managed a B cup. I don't feel too affected by this itty bitty bit.

Tomorrow, is the BIG day when I meet the Medical oncologist at the Cancer care centre - find out when I start chemotherapy , the details and the long list of side effects  that already terrify me and the big picture. It seems crazy to say I'm both looking forward to it and wishing it NEVER comes.

It will bring a sense of order and maybe control but today is not a good day.

I found out recently another mum from our former playgroup , a similar age to me, was diagnosed with Breast cancer a month prior to me. She has just started Chemo (1st dose) and is having a rough time.

Yesterday, at a 6th birthday party - other former playgroup friends in common , commented how odd is was that there were 2 of us in a group of maybe 20. It really isn't that odd because 1 in 8 will be diagnosed with Breast cancer.

Someone else, close to me, told they think her mother has breast cancer . Her mother lives 4000Km+ away. Tomorrow - her mother will find out more exactly the details. My eyes started to tear up upon hearing this news too.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.