Sunday, 26 September 2010

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Slipperiness & Solace

Do you ever find yourself so completely overwhelmed by things that you have no real control over ? I guess I can't be completely alone.
Yet I find complaining somewhat unproductive and unattractive, do you ?
I know we all do it !
It's normal to want to 'vent our spleen' and rant 'n' rave.
Surely, if I tried I could easily find something every day to whinge and whine about.
Though who wants to do that or even read about it ?
Some waste their entire life whining and complaining.
Do it often enough and everyone around won't be able to stand you.
So I had a break from everything (my own and others whining...not you my dear readers)

Dealing with a diagnosis of malignant cancer , and then treatment, can bring on tremendous fear and anxiety in all involved.
I've been absent from blogland for 3 weeks trying to find solace.
Time has rushed by the last 3 weeks too, we've been so busy.

It was Time to go back and spend more of my available hours in the real world.

Painting (well DH actually).
Wallpaper bordering.
Scraping off old borders.
Cleaning & scrubbing.
Decluttering & packing.
Garage sale'ing & throwing out junk.
Mothering two small busy boys and an unwell husband.
Drowning in teenage hostility that is so hard to live with day in day out.

Then there was the first followup appointment for my husband with the Radiation oncologist 14th Sept.
It's been 6 weeks since radiation finished.

I really didn't expect her to say much.
Dh still didn't feel well, he is tired (of course with all he has been undertaking it is no wonder) and wound up generally.
He has had persistent headaches, weariness and other chest pains.

She booked him an urgent MRI. To rule out 'anything' else and check for 'brain swelling' or inflammation from the radiation therapy. She prescribed medication just in case.
DH had that Friday 17th night at 9.45pm ( was supposed to be 8.00pm) but they didn't know about his titanium clips ('Tumour' removal margin markers from his surgery). They refused to do it till they could find out.

It was at another Sydney hospital and they were ringing the Cancer Care Centre Hosp (a major hospital) and a major private hospital where he had the surgery.It's hard to get information at 9pm on a Friday night. A private hospital whose medical records were by luck still open at 10mins to 9pm. Even the MRI lady was amazed as most private hospitals close their medical records dept at 5pm.

Unfortunately,the specialist surgeon hadn't detailed the type of clips in the operation/ medical records.
The newer model MRI machines have a stronger magnet they are ' 3' whatevers and the others are '1.5' ... I think they thought they would rip the clips out or displace them? .

I know they were just doing their job but it was frustrating.
In the end at 9.20 pm I said "Look I'll call the Surgeon myself" and I did. I called the switch lady at the major Sydney hospital to ask her to put me through to him. She put me on hold to call the Dr and cut me off accidently. I called straight back and she answered and knew it me ...amazingly. Then she put me through in 60 secs. She was so extraordinarily helpful.

The Specialist Dr spoke to the MRI guy on my mobile phone . He confirmed it was ok to go ahead with the MRI but they made DH sign our referral letter to say he had spoken to Specilaist Dr and it was 'okay'. DRAMA.
We just wanted it over with and not be left waiting another week.

The Radiation oncologist was going overseas for 3wks so she wanted to know what was going on before she went Tuesday. DH dropped the scans back to the hospital Sunday for her to look at Monday. The actual report takes 8 days. It was just stressful waiting for her call, holding our breath all weekend.
The worry causing more sleeplessness (than the small boys coming into our bed.)

I just hadn't the time, let alone the desire to blog or come online.(Ok I lie I did want to)
The relief was overwhelming when the Dr called back Monday afternoon to say it looks ok to the Oncology team, they can't see anything and thinks it might be nerve pain because of surgery. He had fluid in his sinuses too. ??
They will repeat the MRI in a few months.
It was a huge relief but the headaches are still a 'pain'. DH also has been dizzy , and had other odd symptoms at times.
Maybe its stress and exhaustion too. He is just feeling unwell all the time.
It's hard not to be in control.
For both of us.
I feel powerless to do anything to help him.
Like I am stuck fast in mud.

(after the car was unstuck)
Out of control not unlike like the slipperiness of mud.
That DH sunk the 4WD into the other day.

We had gone to the farm for a few days on Sunday (till Thursday) for solace ... and because we had family visiting.
The wheels kept turning but going nowhere except deeper into the sludge.

There was no way forward or back.
Sunk up to and over the axles.

With his Mother in the car too...I could go to town on that one ;). LOL

It was in a back paddock ,'Spring Dam paddock", DH was giving his mum a tour.The boundaries of the farm property are wide (almost 2000 acres in total -2 farms) with patchy phone reception. Fortunately the mobile phone worked.
DH's uncle was at the farm and knew where to find them (DH,the small boys & MIL)
They left the car there overnight - stuck fast in the mud.
It was funny and fun getting the car out the next morning.

The laughter was good.

Anyway,our house is still a huge mess.We have boxes everywhere.
Furniture everywhere out of place carpet is coming Monday. We always seem just to 'finish' before we sell LOL.

The house is upside down and inside out ( yep half the furniture is outside or in the garage) but Monday (after new carpet gets laid) will be a turning point and putting things back in some sort of order will bring more solace.
Though it is scary we will be closer to selling.

It will be okay... this, too, will pass.

I am just so grateful for family & friends and hand holding ...xo.

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Sunday, 5 September 2010

Dance with my father again

Happy Father's Day , Daddy & Dad...
For some people it is both a celebrated day and one for remembrance.
Sam and Joel adore their Daddy.
(I do too)
M is the best Dad, he spends a lot of time with our boys giving them a secure foundation in love.
They follow him everywhere.
I love him so much for being a 'hands on Dad', with twins he didn't have much choice but to be ...though I know it was a choice he would have willingly made.
He has most definitely risen to the challenge and has every day since their birth ... I'd never have done it without him.
Some days are hard but we get by ...
Last night he even cleaned up the vomit ... (warning when you think your kid is faking a sick tummy because he doesn't like dinner maybe believe him.)
Ok he's not all perfect.
Sometimes I get annoyed at my husband.
Nothing specific and mostly about nothing absolutely important .
After a long day with the boys
and if he is late home
and it's the witching hours between 5 and 6 ...
when he walks in the door I'm a real Bitch touch grouchy.
I don't know why and I have no excuse except I am worn down.
I get snarly ... just because he didn't do it my way.
I love him so much, just sometimes I forget to appreciate him and show him.
I wrote this a while back , it still fits.

Dear M
I pray that we will have a respite from the struggles and can pause for a moment or maybe even a few months, to just reflect and recognize all that we do have and enjoy it simply for what it is, without thinking about what it is not.

You are a good and responsible Dad, where you can possibly find a way to help, you will... beyond measure. Even at the expense of physical and emotional pain.

Over the years you have worked very hard for our family to find a balance in everything.You amaze me with your strength and tenacity.Our sons are going to be incredible Dads someday, owed mostly to your spirit and love.

Six years ago our daughter ~Charlotte~ was stillborn 5 days before Father's day, it was a very difficult Father's day that year.

Five years ago just over a week before Father's day my father died at 63yrs ...much too young.

Sometimes I feel really sad that my Dad never got to meet S & J or even know I was pregnant. A miracle in itself.
I feel sad beyond words that S & J will never feel the great bear hugs he gave, often, to everyone whether they liked it or not.
He was a kind and generous man my Dad.
They will never know what a wonderful man he was in real life , he is just a photo on the wall to them.
A photo I know where they cropped out my nephew as Dad held him high one arm. My nephew loved his Poppy.
S & J would have too.
I miss him.
Happy Father's in heaven Dad.
I wish ...

I still remember him crying on my Wedding day and dancing with him.
I feel sad too knowing my husband will never get to dance with his daughter ...
Still it's been a lovely day, hope you made lots of happy memories with your Dad's or children's Daddy.

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Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Six ~ Wednesday

Time will never erase the memories of her brief life. Days turn to weeks, weeks to [six] years. I remember as if it were yesterday, the details become a little blurrier but She is not forgotten.

So what happened on Tuesday... the day after I was sent home by the OB , all hope gone , to be induced the next morning on Tuesday 31st August.
I told you it was worst night ever ...
my pregnant belly was no longer a safe harbour for my baby but a coffin.
I had to find a name and that I did.
Charlotte Rose.
I went into Hospital at 8am to be induced only to be 'growled' at by the ward clerk about why I was there ...she wasn't expecting us .
"We're here to have our {dead} baby"...
"Oh the [stupid] Ob didn't tell us to go to delivery suite"{across the hall}.

What could I say 6 years on about that
day I went to the hospital to have my dead baby torn from my womb by my pitiful body ?

The day I felt so despicable a mother.

The day loss opened up a chasm in me that I thought I would never climb out of ...

The day other mothers and fathers whom nature smiled
upon welcomed their own babies in the next room as it should be ...

The day I couldn't set foot outside the delivery suite room but my DH had too.
He had to talk to people and smile ...

The day spent talking about preparing funerals and grief as we trembled and tried to find strength in each other.

The day the OB told they would give me 'everything' so I wouldn't feel pain but he LIED ! Nothing can take away the excruciating pain of losing a child.

The day I scarcely
knew what to think or feel or to expect.

Labouring to bring forth your dead baby into the world has got to be one of the sh*
ttiest jobs on earth.

So here we are today ... six trips around the sun to bring us back to a Wednesday.

After 5 lots of vag.inal gel our daughter was born 19hrs later
Wednesday 1st September 2004 @4.20am.
It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life.

It's not quite a happy birthday but still it's remembering her BIRTH'day.

Still I remember how robbed I felt after waiting 12 years for this precious baby.
My firstborn.
As I said the tears they roll less often ...much less.
It doesn't mean I don't remember.
I wake every year on this day in the early hours.


I do [remember] most days but nothing profound and as melancholy as it sounds.

Today, I woke sardined in, not so cosily, comforted by the presence of my little boys, who alternately cuddle , whack me with stray limbs or press into me .

I gave thanks.

Charlotte is & was a precious gift ...
some people only dream of Angels we cradled one and carry one in our hearts always.
May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have.
The boys are my happy place and their laughter is music to a mother's broken heart.
A new day has dawned, shadows are lengthening into light, the sky is starting to beam pink, a gleaming smile.
The friendly warmth of Spring is here (I hope) and new expectations of a purposeful day in our garden.

I want to clarify ... I don't write to gain sympathy but to share my feelings and perhaps comfort another walking a similar path. There are thousands (&thousands) of dead baby mothers like me. Honestly I say , there is no honour in garnering false sympathy.
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