Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Stressless ..stress less ...less stress ?

Tough decisions.
Who cares ...really.

Some days I just want to crawl under the blankets and hide from the world ...since burying my head in the sand is not as pleasant an option!

I saw a poster

I said to myself "I can manage at least a few of these every day" ...

5 positive things ...
  1. The beautiful friend who sent me a $urpri$e gift depsite her own turmoil.
  2. The small wild things who slept the whole night in their own beds last night ( first time in a month)...then made me read "Where the Wild things are" while we snuggled under the blankets at 7am.
  3. DH's Sister who is coming to bringing dinner when she minds my little boys this afternoon.
  4. My Husband, his grace and inner strength.
  5. My gorgeous little wild things who say "I love you Mummy"

Update : Dh radiation treatment for his facial/head cancer - today's countdown 5 weeks completed and one week to go (5 days of treatments).It's gone quickly and smoothly so far, though he is suffering (quietly) a few side effects but he soldiers on regardless.

My own last thoughts ...

#11 way to stress less... Only surround yourself with people that will lift you higher. People who will celebrate your highs and support you through the lows ...

#12 Pick more ...

I ♥ my friends.

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Friday, 16 July 2010

Pick more daisies

I don’t know how it started but I woke up feeling a little melancoly ...overwhelmed by stress & worry of the past few months.
Then I ended up tumbling across an inspirational story.

Wednesday ~ my adventures through the filing cabinet resulted in a pile of documents I had to burn
can't find the shredder . This morning as I sifted through what to burn I came across this uplifting piece in an old newsletter from 1994 . (The internet is such an amazing place...starting with a few words it takes you to places that you couldn’t even dream of finding .)

When the late Nadine Stair (she was allegedly still alive when the newsletter was typed in 1994) of Louisville, Kentucky, was 85 years old, she was asked what she would do if she had her life to live over again.

"I'd make more mistakes next time," she said. "I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

"You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, and a raincoat. If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

"If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds and I would pick more daisies."

I think I need more of this more often ...right now. I need to loosen up.
We all need to look up to the brighter side of life and down to our feet (remember the daisies).
The world is only as beautiful as we can imagine it or when we open our eyes around us...

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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Strolling down memory lane

or de cluttering the filing cabinets at work *.

If you take a stroll down memory lane, they say you talk about the past or revisit places that were important to you in the past. It's a metaphor for memories of one's past life.
So what did I discover so far ...

I found business receipts & files dating back 16-17 years....

No excuses for not having thrown them out before maybe life's busyness or plain laziness LOL.
I delved deeper into the depths of the bottom drawer.

Invoices, receipts, insurance policies, tax returns and old bills and brochures.
Instructions for DH's lawnmower bought 1988 (still have it but it's a spare) and brochure of another from 1993 which we sold to my brother in 2000 and still goes.

The pile in the 80l sulo bin grew at an alarming rate as the second bottom was attacked ...
till ...

I stumbled on photographs of our first house we sold back in 1992.
It made me smile, & laugh out loud, as it took me way back down memory lane and a trip into our past.

A cardboard bookmark ...staff memento of the opening of Fairfield Hospital in 1989.
The church newsletter announcing our upcoming wedding.
Our first married phone bill 1990 when we got married and had the phone connected (...though I am wondering if we ever got our security bond back)
The funeral orders of service for my Grandfather & his wife (both passed away in 1992)
I found the itinerary & airline boarding passes to our holiday in July 17th 1994 (...the day after we got back we were given news of adoption of our now 17yr.)
Assorted ♥ love notes & cards ♥ ... awwww
An old personal diary of my nursing shifts in 1994 and other interesting but not worth mentioning stuff.

Then I hit the jackpot - a Superannuation statement for my husband from 2003 . It was a kind of misplaced, but not entirely forgotten, Superannuation account.
The Good news ...$28k
The Bad news we can only roll it over into his current fund and not touch it.

Interesting though was the empty file marked FANTASY.
It has the old wheels churning ...I wonder what I ever put in it or intended too.
I feel too young to be this old LOL.

P.S.: That's only the bottom 2 of filing cabinet #1 (= 4 drawers) , I still have top 2, plus #2 cabinet ( and cabinet #3 at home)

P.P.S : If you had asked me to look for any of those things I would have no chance of a) finding or b)remembering.

*We used to live at work [yes ;) well ... work from home] running our business from home so that is why the filing cabinets contained personal items.

So what do you have hoarded in your filing cabinets or drawers ?
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Saturday, 10 July 2010

Greener Grass ?

The grass isn't any greener but at the moment it's our favourite place to be.

(the Moon the afternoon [@dusk] of the partial solar eclipse).

(our sunset view)

Breathless, we flung us on a windy hill, Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
Rupert Brooke
Dh slashed the grass today so we can see the kids (and keep snakes at bay). It took him & my brother the better part of a day to slash ;).

And I'd like to give my love to everybody, and let them know that the grass may look greener on the other side, but believe me, it's just as hard to cut.

Little Richard

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Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Mud sticks

It's our first time playing ...

We have spent a lot of time at the farm the past few months.
The boys don't have a lot of toys or play equipment there but they do have plenty of red dirt, energy and imagination.

It rained.
So I learnt ... !
Don't pray for rain if you are going to complain about the mud~ Proverb
The boys love dirt & mud. They love messy sensory play.

"The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful."Author: E.E. Cummings

It had rained overnight, they added to the puddles with barrowfils of water .

Joel dragged a large box from behind the shed and got the small plastic chairs ...entirely his own idea. ...yes it's a boat !!

Later the same day they made 'chocolate dirt mudpies for mummy' = Sam

Plastic garden shovels ;) & childsize wheelbarrows

(Of course tractor play)

(holding the shovel for Grandpa)

My Father in law loves it that I let them play in dirt & mud ...except he has yet to volunteer to do the washing. I am not kidding the water was exactly the colour of the mud.

This was our creek crossing the same day ...really shallow actually where I crossed.
Thankfully it is a long walk to the creek for 4 yr olds and it isn't always flowing.

PS We do own gum boots but they were wet inside LOL !

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Monday, 5 July 2010


Waiting for a train , a red light or in a supermarket queue can be frustrating ...

The idea of waiting for scan results , your husband to start radiation treatment , then get through it has certainly frayed my (both our) nerves.

I haven't felt comfortable sharing my emotions here ... though I feel churned up 90% of the time. It is mostly because my life mate, the love of my life, is hurting & exhausted and I hate it.

Neither of us sleep well , we go to sleep alright but wake up ...wheels start churning and there’s no way to put the brakes on.

The small boys who invade our bed nightly about 1-2 am don't help. One in the bed is bearable but two ...is just not compatible with a good sleep.

Today is a good day ...hooray ! We 'celebrate' the half way mark of DH's 6.5 wks of radiation. It's been a busy 3 wks 1 day and 3wks 1 day to go (14 treatments to go).

Generally, we've been focusing a lot on living for today & being happy. Though life has taken us down a road that is scary , we know things will be okay

It always feels like there are never enough hours in the day. each day is measured by the appointment time. The traveling has been arduous ... (the traffic and the crazy drivers scary). It generally takes around a 2-5 to 3 hr round trip. I am very grateful he can be at home...because we met a man last week that is over 3 hrs from home and only to gets to go home at the weekends.

We finally got to speak to his Radiation Oncologist on Friday, she explained his very complex treatment.He is having IMRT Intensity-Modulated Radiation Therapy to the right side of his face /temple.
IMRT is a state-of-the-art cancer treatment method that delivers high doses of radiation directly to cancer cells in a very targeted way, much more precisely than is possible with conventional radiotherapy

IMRT can be used to treat malignant tumors that might have been considered untreatable in the past due to close proximity of vital organs and structures. Treating such tumors requires tremendous accuracy. For example, in the case of head and neck tumors, IMRT allows radiation to be delivered in a way that minimizes exposure of the brain, optic nerve, salivary glands or other important structures.
The planning of it was very involved (behind the scenes) as DH's tumour was very close to a few vital areas. Not all of his tumour was possible to be surgically removed .It was so very close to the bone that surrounds the temporal lobe of his brain.

A powerful computer program optimizes a treatment plan based on a physician's dose instructions, and information about tumor size, shape and location in the body. A medical linear accelerator, equipped with a special device called a multileaf collimator that shapes the radiation beam, delivers the radiation in accordance with the treatment plan.

The equipment can be rotated around the patient to send radiation beams from the most favorable angles for giving the tumor a high dose while preserving important healthy tissues.

The actual radiation treatment appointments last a very short time.Once DH gets in, changed and on the table with his mask secured the treatments lasts under 5 mins (yes I timed it). He is usually there about 30-40 mins.

His treatment is 6 beams from various angles including one that enters at the back of his head. Each beam lasts about 20 secs, with a 20 sec or so interval to reposition him (from the computer console outside), the last beam requires them to manually go in and move the table.
Within each 20sec beam they target different areas/different intensities.

The radiation beams may be moved dozens or hundreds of times and each may have a different intensity, resulting in radiation sculpted in three dimensions.
His head , especially, is rigidly fixed via a full face mask to the treatment table to achieve total immobilization - there is no margin for error or movement. His body is immobilised too via knee/feet mould .

DH cannot even open his eyes or lips during the treatment the mask is so rigid & tight. When he exits the room, for at least 20mins or more after, his head has the honeycomb impression of the mask indented over his face. It's uncomfortable but a small price to pay.

We've had our moments of struggle with the 'busy'ness' of this life , our 3 boys birthdays in the last 2 weeks, continuing on with closing our business and spending down time at the farm. DH still works half the day as his appointments are mostly in afternoons.

I have learnt particularly in the last 2 months to lower my expectations and raise my appreciation ...in all areas.

I am disappointed in some family & friends actions & attitudes. I know I can't control these things so I let it go.

I am so grateful particularly for DH's sister who has a been a tremendous support. I am grateful for the few friends who email or text us every few days, for the lady at church and another casual friend who separately told me that their bible study group (2 different ones) are praying for my husband. This comforts us, make us feel loved and supported.

Comfort from friends & family have made this nightmare more tolerable and for that I am eternally grateful. I'll continue to be grateful for what I have because I'll get more out of life than being bitter.
Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it. - Buddha
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Thursday, 1 July 2010

Happy birthday ...

Happy Birthday S & J

Today it also the anniversary 5rs ago when I started a blog ... my first post is here ~ well it was one post ;) not My Little drummer boys then .Most importantly is it also the day we started our first IVF cycle 5 years ago .
Never for one minute could I have imagined the love, laughter ,joy and light these boys have brought into our life.
Read my Birth Story here.

A beautiful friend of a special friend from Church told me today she & her hubby are expecting fraternal twins 14 wks along ... it was wonderful & special to hear such news today. It was a lovely surprise for them ;) and to chat with her too.
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