Monday, 30 August 2010

6 ... Monday

Outside my window… the sun is shining (well it was when I started this post) , it's been a crystal clear blue sky day with fluffly clouds. Six years ago ...I only remember it being cold and windy !

I am thinking... about six years ago today, exactly, Monday 30th August ,when our life was shattered to it's core.

How they told me my much longed for baby girl had no heartbeat.Though the grief is less intense , I feel it today intensely.I internalise it because I cannot express it.

The tears are below the surface ...as time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, the love & loss intermingled.

“Be both. Be sad for what might have been, be glad for what is.” @wbgookin (author of Daddy Is Tired)

I am thankful for everything. I am so blessed ! Especially my sweet little boys ...for the friendship of good friends who got me through those tough firsts... days,weeks,years and all the other firsts.

I am remembering… the numbness ,the tears, the disbelief. I couldn't speak or see anyone that night , my poor DH had to make all the phone calls and catch me from falling in a heap, though he was struggling too.

Being up all night ...waiting for Tuesday.

I am going… to light candles tonight in ~Charlotte's~ memory and for ~Micah~ ...can you believe I checked my google reader for the first time in weeks . I was shocked and heartbroken to read that my bloggy friend Jenn's full term baby boy~Micah~ died, just before his birth to a cord accident. Her recents posts resonated loudly within my soul and I shed tears for both of us.

I am currently reading… through my google reader. (DH was away last night and I couldn't sleep). It's been quite challenging on many fronts ...last night I read too of another mum who lost her 4yr old son , he was terribly disabled from a near drowning 17 months before , still her loss is great . (I should be reading your blog soon though !) I hope there is happier news I've missed.

I am hoping…to spend some time in Charlotte's garden ~ it's been sadly neglected over winter and with all DH's treatment chewing up our time.

On my mind …selling our home and facing my fears, the anxiety of leaving behind the dreams we planted here six years ago and Charlotte's memorial garden.

Noticing that… I have a lot of packing to do as we prepare to sell our house.

Pondering … why ! Grief is such a mystery and misunderstood. I hold on to every memory because if I forget them then it will be as if she were never here and I could never imagine what my life would have been like without Charlotte ...no matter what the outcome was.Looking back I'd do it again, because every moment is cherished in my thoughts, she was loved, she is missed, and remembered...I could have missed the pain.

From the kitchen… comfort food tonight slow cooker "Beef in red wine" casserole, with steamed beans and creamy mash. (Rice for the twin with sensory issues)

Around the house… it's a mess as we've been packing with 4yr old twins underfoot who love boxes and testing them for fit or to empty just packed treasures. It's looks so bare with all our photos packed away.


;)

I have to find my box of Charlotte's things too ...I packed them up so we could move the cupboard to paint !

One of my favorite things… right now enjoying the quiet of the moment while my boys nap ...a rarity these days.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: ... enjoying my family and giving thanks for all I have , Baking and eating to console myself !

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Friday, 27 August 2010

Daffodil day


It's daffodil day today ...
with one in two Australians diagnosed with cancer by 85, there’s every chance your life will be affected. No matter who you are, Daffodil Day is for you.

& for all humnaity.

We want to defeat cancer ...
Together we can do it.
Please support those that need it. One planet One life, Give another person and family a chance to hope.
Fathers, brothers, mothers,sisters, children like Dainere (read her awe-inspiring story at Cate Bolt's)
The day , just over 3.5 months ago, my husband was diagnosed with malignant cancer was one of the worst ever. It is something I hope no family has to experience. I cannot begin to explain how it has affected us.
Yesterday, too was the 5th Anniversary since I lost my Dad to side effects of Leukemia ...a blood cancer.

Make a donation , buy some Daffodils, buy bears, balls or a pen ...



Even go donate blood ...that's were I am off to right now.
The majority of donated blood approx 34% goes to people with cancer and blood diseases.
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Friday, 20 August 2010

Out & about

I took the boys out & about ... exploring our 'neighbourhood' to keep them out of the way while Dh & Grandpa were gyrocking and painting.

We came into the world like brother and brother;
And now let's go hand in hand, not one before another.
~William Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors

It was a long '1km' walk to the creek crossing & front gate /cattle grid ...and J whined about it at first. The addition of a 'walking stick' made all the difference LOL.


Rest stop @ the big tree

"Look Mum there is water in the creek ...take a picture"

It was a gorgeous sunny day though a little windy.

Fishing ...

(acting out a scene from Skippy the bush kangaroo ...
'Mum we're slipping [down the bank 'LOL'] ...take our picture")


Can you spot the bird above ...

Squiggle mum tells this little birdy is a Striated Pardalote

Baa Baa..the neighbours sheep
aww at the little twin lambs




Home ward bound !

I hope they'll always be best friends...

and not lead or follow each other into too much temptation mischief ;-)

What adventures did you get up to this week ?
See more adventures @Emily's Raising mummy

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Saturday, 14 August 2010

Snuggles

I woke up in the early hours and all I could think of was I didn't want to get up out of my warm caravan bed to go twinkle ;-) ... it may only be a short walk to the shed but still at 0 ° brrr & dark.
I did ...just saying, it's not like I had a choice.

Back in bed , the wheels started churning. I started feeling glum about all the bad stuff , paranoid feelings, terrifing ones , my exhaustion, my lack of motivation,anger & the anxiousness I feel about so many things. I am not completely unhappy I just can't define it it exactly.

Everything is overwhelming somedays.

I woke a short time later to a little monkey crawling in bedside me, "I love you Mummy" he said and I melted, as he snuggled in. His twin snuck in beside DH.
However , a 4ft bed is not big enough for 4 LOL.

I shifted my mood in a higher gear and found 10 positive things .

  1. I am thankful for the rain (The creek crossing was a bit dodgy) but happier the sun is shining again .It's a pity we haven't got the new water tanks in yet though.
  2. Now we have a washing machine at the farm ...it helps me to stress less over this
  3. I love my new (recycled) solar & wind powered clothes dryer.
  4. Really though, I am happy when the boys are happy, The birds are even happy ! (I didn't see his home till I uploaded the pics - awesome)
  5. ... Especially when my hubby is happy...the gyrocking is underway ...we'll have a bigger bed inside shed soon !!!! SO I iz happy too (no more freezing & dark trips to the loo,too)!!!!!
  6. The teen is on holiday in Queensland (though it's too short for my liking)
  7. My glass is still half full (well not quite yet but it will be a bit later)
  8. I still feel a bit guilty, after 'awww' ing & 'oh ah' ing over these cutewoolly babies, that we are having roast lamb for dinner (ours in store bought =]). I'd love to snuggle one or both of them.
  9. I found the Green sheep, cheeky bugger keeps going under the fence to eat our grass and sneaks back when he sees me coming. Seriously I kid you not.I caught him yesterday & today.He is the only one !
  10. I am glad my friend with a severe migraine, that has lasted 3 wks, doesn't have a brain tumour.I hope she finds some relief with a new Dr soon though.
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Sunday, 8 August 2010

The truth and the light at the midnight oasis

The Truth
  • My plans to stress less haven't worked. I feel more stressed then ever before and I have cold sores to prove it.
  • It was a relief for my husband to finish his 6wks of radiotherapy. The oncology team of Drs decided that he wouldn't get any extra benefit from chemotherapy. WE hope radiation did what was intended .That is all.
  • It's now a 6 month wait till the next, first scan.
  • Two more things that will help me to stress less are
The truth is seriously I'd like to use it on my teen (mute function) and to a lesser extent on the other three ;-). It has a multitude of uses ...
  • More of this LOL ...
  • My time is still swallowed up these days just doing regular things. It seems lately I haven't even 5 mins to actually sit down and think of something that others would like to read.
  • No promises but I hope be doing posting more regularly once normalcy reigns in my life again.
The Light
The light at the end of the dark , lonely road tunnel is still visible. I keep holding onto the Light of hope.
It that fails I'll get a brighter light. I know we must also believe in ourselves and our unlimited potential even when things do not go as planned. I wish I had someone to talk too.

...at Midnight Oasis
We are out of town at the farm midnight oasis . It's kind of relaxing.
A retreat ...
Camping with all the comforts of electric cooking facilities, heating, hot water , shower and a flushing loo (...but not in the caravan).
Our shed 'home' is still a work in progress . Nearly everything we are using is scavenged recycled.

At night we put the camels to bed in the caravan which is very comfortable in the meantime.

I'm not sure who still visits so please say hi & raise your hand in the comments. I don't think I have that many readers hanging around.

Why do I bother to blog at all ...I do it for myself as record of the bits and pieces, snippets of times going by , places and people.
I am glad there is no rule ... of how frequently.
I accepted that I''ll never go back to what I had before.
It's a relief to feel less pressure , now I just blog when I feel like it...or have the time ;-)
Just as well I'm not taking up someone else's space by being here.

So tell me how are things going at your place ?
Is life treating you kind?
Can you still see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Are your days flying by so fast you only see a blur ?

hahaha ...my favourite song is playing it's a marvellous night for a moonlight ;-) ...kthxbai


 Rewinding Sat 25th June




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