It's been 5 years almost to the day that we got a Beta 400+ ; two pink lines and a BFP.
If you have experienced infertility you know what I mean ...
It was just over a year after our 'firstborn', a daughter, was stillborn; mourning that 1st anniversary along with the my much loved Father's passing.
After 15 years (of not relaxing) we were pregnant (2nd time around) and we quietly rejoiced.
All we had for certain was a little bit of hope ; for today we had reason to celebrate (and watch my online friends send fairy dust confetti into the air).
Even though we had been blessed with our adopted son (@13.5 months), the yearning to extend our little family was ever present. The deep desire to snuggle and nurse a newborn of our own creation was intense.
On our 2nd IVF cycle; 3rd Embryo transfer we got lucky.
After 15 long years I dared to dream ; again. There I was ...
"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
Of course you know our story had a happy ending.
The infertility video Empty Arms still makes me teary.
I found this somewhere.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”I don't agree with everything because I am no better a mother because of my wait or my struggle .
I may not also be a wonderful mother all the time .
I walk in my shoes thankfully, feeling compassion for those who are still struggling with their infertility.
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