Monday, 30 August 2010

6 ... Monday

Outside my window… the sun is shining (well it was when I started this post) , it's been a crystal clear blue sky day with fluffly clouds. Six years ago ...I only remember it being cold and windy !

I am thinking... about six years ago today, exactly, Monday 30th August ,when our life was shattered to it's core.

How they told me my much longed for baby girl had no heartbeat.Though the grief is less intense , I feel it today intensely.I internalise it because I cannot express it.

The tears are below the surface time goes by, the tears may roll less often, but each 1 still feels the same, the love & loss intermingled.

“Be both. Be sad for what might have been, be glad for what is.” @wbgookin (author of Daddy Is Tired)

I am thankful for everything. I am so blessed ! Especially my sweet little boys ...for the friendship of good friends who got me through those tough firsts... days,weeks,years and all the other firsts.

I am remembering… the numbness ,the tears, the disbelief. I couldn't speak or see anyone that night , my poor DH had to make all the phone calls and catch me from falling in a heap, though he was struggling too.

Being up all night ...waiting for Tuesday.

I am going… to light candles tonight in ~Charlotte's~ memory and for ~Micah~ ...can you believe I checked my google reader for the first time in weeks . I was shocked and heartbroken to read that my bloggy friend Jenn's full term baby boy~Micah~ died, just before his birth to a cord accident. Her recents posts resonated loudly within my soul and I shed tears for both of us.

I am currently reading… through my google reader. (DH was away last night and I couldn't sleep). It's been quite challenging on many fronts ...last night I read too of another mum who lost her 4yr old son , he was terribly disabled from a near drowning 17 months before , still her loss is great . (I should be reading your blog soon though !) I hope there is happier news I've missed.

I am hoping…to spend some time in Charlotte's garden ~ it's been sadly neglected over winter and with all DH's treatment chewing up our time.

On my mind …selling our home and facing my fears, the anxiety of leaving behind the dreams we planted here six years ago and Charlotte's memorial garden.

Noticing that… I have a lot of packing to do as we prepare to sell our house.

Pondering … why ! Grief is such a mystery and misunderstood. I hold on to every memory because if I forget them then it will be as if she were never here and I could never imagine what my life would have been like without Charlotte matter what the outcome was.Looking back I'd do it again, because every moment is cherished in my thoughts, she was loved, she is missed, and remembered...I could have missed the pain.

From the kitchen… comfort food tonight slow cooker "Beef in red wine" casserole, with steamed beans and creamy mash. (Rice for the twin with sensory issues)

Around the house… it's a mess as we've been packing with 4yr old twins underfoot who love boxes and testing them for fit or to empty just packed treasures. It's looks so bare with all our photos packed away.


I have to find my box of Charlotte's things too ...I packed them up so we could move the cupboard to paint !

One of my favorite things… right now enjoying the quiet of the moment while my boys nap ...a rarity these days.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: ... enjoying my family and giving thanks for all I have , Baking and eating to console myself !

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